Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Honoring your parents

The fifth commandment (of the ten) that God gave to Moses for the Hebrew nation is to “Honor thy father and mother.” I’ve been thinking about this commandment lately as I write on the challenges facing cross-cultural marriages. It is well known that cultures in different parts of the world place different priorities on this commandment. And, of course different cultures interpret “honor” in many ways as well. For example, Eastern cultures tend to have stronger familial ties in which individual decisions and aspirations are significantly connected to the ideology of the parents. Incorporating parental wisdom, aspiring to family expectations, and caring for aging parents are aspects of how these cultures show honor.

In more Western cultures, individual desires (individualism) tend to be more highly valued than familial ones. This, however, does not mean that Western cultures are any less obedient to God’s fifth commandment. Honor is shown differently. Often this entails living near parents so that parents, children, and grandchildren can be actively engaged in the daily routine. At other times there are the routine phone calls to keep an eye (or an ear) on their health status (whether physical, financial, social, or other).
Parental honor may look differently as you move from one part of the world to another. But, what happens when individuals from different cultures marry? The role of parents in the nuclear family is often a source of conflict, particularly when husband and wife hail from significantly different cultures. It is common for one party to feel that the parents are being too intrusive while the other party sees them as wanting to be helpful. One party sometimes feels like the parents are too demanding while the other sees them as lonely. There are thousands of possible scenarios that can cause conflict that culminates in statements like “I married you NOT your parents” or “you need to choose between me or your mother.”  These are difficult dilemmas because the spouse feels trapped between his/her love for parents and love for spouse. Sometimes, you hear Christians insensitively say that the Bible makes it clear that you are to separate from your parents and cling to your spouse (Mark 10:7). I’ve been very guilty of using this line too liberally. As I consider this issue though, I believe God calls us to hold the Mark 2:7 admonition in one hand and to hold the fifth commandment in the other so that we avoid the hypocrisy that Jesus accuses the religious folk of in Matthew 15:3-9.
Those of us in cross-cultural marriages must draw boundaries around the husband and wife—fostering an intimacy that cannot be broken by ANYONE! Yet, at the same time we must honor our parents by giving them respect. This show of respect will adjust with time and situations. But, it will always place a premium on including them in your lives in whatever form that takes (particularly when your parents have proven themselves honorable). And, this respect will always find ways to care for them when they are less able to care for themselves. And, finally this respect will always seek to incorporate their wisdom into your own life. With these thoughts in mind, take a fresh look at the ways in which you obey the fifth commandment in your own marriage. As scripture tells us, this is a key to longevity on earth.