Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Healthy Disagreement

Disagreement! All marriages have it. Husbands and wives frequently just can’t see eye to eye on an issue.  Sometimes these disagreements amount to trivial skirmishes that are easily dismissed. Other times such disagreements can be rationalized and negotiated to arrive at a common understanding. But, sometimes try as we may we sometimes have to just agree to disagree. That is to be expected when two people with differing views are living life together.

Many couples errantly think that they are not supposed to have disagreements. Young couples are often disoriented when disagreement arises because they think the harmony and bliss that accompanied the romantic phase of their relationship is supposed to last forever. Husbands often keep their opinions to themselves so as not to face the argument of a disagreeing spouse. Wives sometimes bite their tongue to maintain household harmony.

In cross-cultural marriages the disagreement is more pronounced. Disagreements over food, dress, family, friends, religion, parenting, and home are often frequent and emotionally charged. At the heart of most of these disagreements is a belief that one’s cultural upbringing is valid and should be appreciated by your spouse. Yet when our spouses fail to appreciate our perspective, we sometimes take measures that harm the relationship. Such destructive actions include emotional withdrawal, verbal (and sometimes physical) attacks, withholding physical intimacy, and other behaviors that we know makes our spouses mad.

The reality is that disagreement is healthy for your cross-cultural marriage. Disagreement is one of the most effective ways that you can be influenced by your spouse’s cultural identity. Disagreement is healthy for a relationship because it allows each person to shape the attitudes and behaviors of the other. This shaping process is the fuel for personal and marital growth. There is one key, however, that is vital to using disagreement to build the resilience and depth of your marriage. And, this point captures the fourth letter in our model of grace for cross-cultural marriages.

Principle 4: C – Complain without criticizing

When you disagree with your spouse, you don’t necessarily have to keep quiet about it. You can complain. The problem is that many cross-cultural spouses do not understand how to complain. Oftentimes, we allow the unspoken rules of our culture to dictate how we complain. Some cultures condone loud emotional responses. Other cultures allow belittling personal attacks. Still other cultures use more passive aggressive means. Effectively complaining, however, focuses on how your spouse’s actions make you feel. For example, an effective complaint to your spouse might be “I get frustrated when you make rice and beans every night for dinner.” This complaint keeps the focus on how you feel rather than attacking your spouse’s cooking. By complaining in this manner you set the stage for an emotional connection that strengthens your relationship rather than a criticism that tears it down. In this manner you show each other grace. Try it out during your next disagreement. And, let me know what happens.