Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Grace at Risk

The last three weeks have been mind-boggling. And, at the center of this swirl of activity is “risk management”. Major banks that have formed the backbone of our financial system for most of our lifetimes disappear over the course of a couple of days. European and U.S. treasuries dole out staggering amounts of money to instill confidence in risk-averse markets. Stock markets continue to plummet as investors cut their losses to avert further risk of capital. Credit markets are nearly paralyzed because banks don’t want to risk lending money to each other.

What does all of this have to do with cross-cultural marriage? Well, it introduces us to the second princple in developing a healthy inter-ethnic marriage. This principle is represented by the letter R….

Step 2: R—Risk being honest!

You have to be honest with yourself and with your spouse if you expect to give and receive grace in marriage. Yet for many marriages, honesty feels too risky. Some wives wonder “what will my husband think if I tell him how I really feel?” Husbands often ponder the question “will my wife lose confidence in me if I admit that I don’t know what to do.” And, in crisis marriages being honest could lead to an abusive reaction. Underneath all of these (and similar) questions is another question “How much do I trust my spouse to unconditionally love me?” Trust is the key. Yet, cross-cultural marriages often struggle to have this level of trust because of disappoinments due to unmet needs and expectations. Absent such trust, spouses refuse to be vulnerable. Marriages that are not trusting will never have a culture of grace.

Dalia and I continue to work on being honest with ourselves and with each other. For me, I often have to ask myself to honestly assess my own motives. I have to be willing to admit to myself when I am being selfish rather than coming up with some rationalization that makes me look more noble. In other instances Dalia and I have to think hard about what what we really need from one another. Then we have to communicate that need in a way that the other can understand it rather than just assuming that he/she should grasp it “if he or she REALLY cared about me.” “Assumption” is a dirty word for cross-cultural marriages simply because each spouse often comes with a different set of them based on their backgrounds. The only way around this is to communicate honestly. If you don’t really trust your spouse just yet to do this fully, then start with something small and become more vulnerable as your spouse proves trustworthy. Extending grace is a risk in marriages, especially cross-cultural ones, because your spouse could take advantage of you.

So here is the marriage lesson that I have taken from today’s financial and credit markets. If I don’t trust Dalia with my emotions, I won’t take the risk of being honest with her. And, if I don’t accept this risk, our grace can only be conditional. And, conditional grace is really no grace at all. In other words without honesty and trust, our grace is at risk.