Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Lesson on Togetherness

“Togetherness” - this is such an important concept in intimate relationships. But, what does it mean? Some think about togetherness in physical terms. We are together when we are in close proximity. Couples interpreting togetherness primarily in the physical sense often judge the quality of their relationship by the amount of time of number of instances in which they are in each other’s company. Others think about togetherness in more ideological terms. In other words, they assess their relational health by the extent to which they agree on ideas or philosophies. Still others use more metaphysical barometers to gauge togetherness. These couples base their togetherness on more emotional and spiritual indicators of intimacy.

Cross-cultural couples can validly look to physical, ideological, and metaphysical indicators to measure their relational connectedness or togetherness. But, all of these measures fall short of capturing the full essence of togetherness because they all rely on some degree of self-centeredness-whether one feels personally satisfied that his or her needs are met. I would like to offer a fourth measure of togetherness for cross-cultural couples. It is the idea that we spouses are responsible for carrying the needs and desires of our partners with us. Rather than being self-centered, this view of togetherness suggests that the hurts and joys of my spouse (regardless of whether I understand or agree with them) are internalized as my own. With this perspective of togetherness, cross-cultural couples can be secure that their emotional well-being is prioritized in the relationship. And, this sense of emotional security is the most valid proxy of togetherness as it convinces the couple that they are better together than they are apart. As importantly, it relieves couples that they can be unequivocally together even as they sometimes walk different paths.