Monday, April 27, 2009

The Half-Dead Marriage

This past weekend I took advantage of gorgeous 90+ degree weather to do some spring cleaning in my yard. As I worked on cleaning leaves from one of the mulched beds around my home, I was struck by one of our bushes. No, I wasn’t literally struck by it. But, I was intrigued that buds are only forming on half of the bush. The other half appears dead. Perplexed, I looked for an explanation. It didn’t take long to notice that half of the bush was mostly uprooted while the other half was still firmly planted. While I’m not sure what to do about my half-dead bush, it triggered in my mind an email that I had just received from a couple that alerted me to some marital problems they are having.

You might ask, what does my half-dead bush have to do with marital problems. Fair question. Here’s the connection. My heart is really tugged by half-dead marriages. What is a half-dead marriage? It can be a marriage where one spouse is giving most (or all) of the effort and the other one is failing to hold up his/her end of the bargain. It could also be a marriage where spouses just go through the motions with little to no real emotional connection. In some ways half-dead marriages are particularly dangerous because they lull unsuspecting couples into a false sense of security (for example they see their half-dead state as better than a divorce).

I want to challenge those who feel emotionally disconnected from their spouse to make another genuine effort at moving closer together. I don’t necessarily expect a miracle—just a step. What can you do today to take a step towards your spouse? Remember that half-dead means that it is also half-alive. There is life in your marriage. The question is how to make it more abundant.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Beauty for Ashes

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified” - Isaiah 61:1-3

I love this passage from the book of Isaiah because it is a reminder of the three elements of my own commission. First, as an educator my goal is to bring good news to those needing some-particularly as it relates to relational challenges. Second, as a psychologist I seek to help others see the psychological and relational chains that weigh down their aspirations. Third, as a Christian to offer Christ as the perfect substitute for the heaviness of spirit that causes many to languish in unfulfilling relationships.

Marriage relationships (and other intimate relationships) have tremendous power to dictate how liberated we feel in life. These relationships influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. Many of you in cross-cultural marriages (and same culture marriages) are struggling because you see the relationship as limiting and binding. The differences in expectations, preferences, and needs may be wreaking havoc. Despite your attempts to improve communication and reduce conflict, it seems you just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. And, many times there is no one to talk to that really understands your struggle.

If this is you, the word of the Lord today is “beauty for ashes.” In the Old Testament the custom was to mourn in sackcloth with ashes placed upon your head. The ashes are significant because they represent complete destruction. When something is broken, it may be fixed. But, when something is reduced to ashes it is destroyed. God, however, is promising to replace your mourning over that which you see as destroyed with something beautiful. You may wonder “where is this beauty” when you think about your marriage relationship. Isaiah gives us a clue. It is in the joy and the praise. It is seeing the glass half full rather than half empty. It is appreciating the beauty and wonder in the small things that surround you. It is in the splendor of the telephone call or email that came right when you needed to hear good news. It is in the warm smile that you exchange with the neighbor or someone in the grocery store. When we experience this beauty it reminds us in a quite tangible way of the magnitude of God’s glory. Married folks (particularly those of us who are mourning aspects of our marriage), let’s challenge one another to see the beauty with which God surrounds us.

Friday, January 02, 2009

A New Year Resolution 2009

Happy New Year! I hope that all of you had the merriest of Christmases and enjoyed the festivities bringing in 2009 with a bang. I don’t know about you. But, I’m still trying to figure out where 2008 went. As you think back over your 2008, what would you say are the most significant events as it pertains to your marriage relationship?

My most memorable marriage events were an all expense paid Cancun trip that was given to my wife and me from dear friends early in the year, our 20th anniversary trip to Puerto Rico in the middle of the year, and my decision to step down from my Director of Christian Education volunteer role at my church to spend more time at home. For me, I summarize the 2008 installment of my marriage as, “Healing in the silver lining.” For me, my marriage has been a stable and nurturing force in 2008 as I have dealt with a number of disappointments in goals that I had. When I’m down, my wife is my biggest encourager. When I feel behind in the game, she is my most devout fan. Her reassurance staves off discouragement and keeps me fighting. My marriage is my silver lining with healing properties. How would you summarize your marriage in 2008?

Over the holidays, I received my word for 2009. The word is “joy.” I must admit that this is a difficult word for me personally. My personality type is not typically associated with joy. But, I have resolved myself to pursue joyous living in 2009. I’m not quite sure how that will work. I am being prayerful to God to show me how to live with a more overt spirit of joy. I chuckle even as I say this. But, one thing is for sure. My marriage will be the backbone of this pursuit. I pray a spirit of joy upon your life and your marriage as well.

Here’s to a JOYOUS NEW YEAR!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Handling Differences with Grace

Over the past several posts I have sought to demonstrate the importance of grace in the cross-cultural marriage. I have offered the acrostic G-R-A-C-E as a practical model for improving the day-to-day interaction between spouses who hail from differing cultural backgrounds.

I have had the pleasure of interacting with many cross-cultural couples. And, I always watch them. I want to see how they interact.  I look for the points of similarity and I am always curious about those moments when their differences manifest. Watching couples navigate their differences (though verbal and nonverbal expressions) tells you a tremendous amount about the health of that relationship.

In my experience there are three things that you learn by how couples handle differences: (1) we learn about the health of the boundary the couple maintains, (2) we learn about the value that the couple places on their marriage, and (3) we learn how much power exists in their partnership.

Let’s start with boundaries. How many times have you been in the company of a couple that lacked the discernment to realize that everyone in their presence was uncomfortable with the manner in which their disagreement was being handled? Everyone realizes that this is out of bounds and awkward. Sometimes, someone interjects humor in an attempt to diffuse the situation. But, everyone knows this is no laughing matter. It is important for couples to learn appropriate times and settings to deal with their most volatile issues.

The couple’s handling of disagreements is a proxy for the value they place on the relationship. When couple’s berate one another’s views, dismiss the concerns of the other, or threaten “punishment” for a dissenting perspective we know that there is little value being placed on authentic, mutual marriage.  Have you ever seen those spouses who appear to want a slave more than a husband or wife?

Ultimately, a couple’s handling of differences tells us the strength and power that lies within the partnership. Each spouse has unique skills, talents, and interests.  But, the partnership is much more than the sum of these personal attributes. True partnership is about synergy. Synergy in marriage is the exponential power that a couple demonstrates when their abilities and interests intermingle in the context of a loving and committed relationship. The capabilities of such a tandem is profound.

This brings me to the last principle of the G-R-A-C-E model for cross-cultural marriage.

Principle 5: E – Embrace your differences

Let’s be honest. Differences cause discomfort and misunderstanding-especially in cross-cultural marriages where the assumptions are often at odds.  But, healthy cross-cultural couples embrace their difference because they understand that they are actually enriched when their thinking is stretched beyond its own default limits. As couples learn to defer in this way, it shapes their character because it shows care and respect. In the end, mature cross-cultural couples understand that it is their differences more than their similarities that foster growth by challenging them to extend grace to one another.

The next time you are in the company of a cross-cultural couple, watch the way they interact. And, remember they may also be watching you.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

What Business School didn’t teach me about marriage

Husbands and wives think that “understanding” is the key to success in marriage. Wives believe that if their beloved just understood how they feel about a situation that the tension and frustration that often exists would melt away. We husbands assume that if we could just get our wives to understand the details of the situation that they would inevitably see things our way. These beliefs lead spouses to undertake various measures to “market” their viewpoints to give the other understanding.
You might question my use of the word “market.” That sounds so manipulative doesn’t it? Marketing is what businesses do to sell a product, right? As I think back to my business school education, Marketing 101 instructed me about the marketing mix entailing product, price, and promotion. Selling a product depends on the elements of this mix.
Here’s what I’m wondering, how much of the tension in my cross-cultural marriage is about my approach to selling my point of view to Dalia? If I think about my perspective as the product in question, I am able to see all of the steps I go through to sell or “promote” it to Dalia. I can give her details of the situation in calculated details. I can explain the trade offs and the cost-benefits of seeing it my way. If all of these rational measures fail to make Dalia understand, I can insert or remove emotion as the situation dictates.
If and when I become desperate for the sell, I always know I can manipulate the stakes or the “price.” I might start off with a light reference to a past incident when I was right and she was wrong. If she still doesn’t get it, I can always rachet it up to a minor rebuke for being so irrational or so emotional that she can’t see the obvious. If I’m forced to raise the stakes even higher to get my point across, then I have to make it even more personal. And, I certainly know those hot buttons. After all, it is about selling understanding—at any cost. But it’s worth it if she gets it. She’ll see it my way. And, this will be better for our marriage, right?

I’m ashamed to admit that I have done all of these things. Don’t get me wrong. I never thought about it as selling my perspective at any cost. But, my actions prove otherwise. Here’s what I’ve learned. Marketing 101 is best left in the Business School rather than in my cross-cultural marriage. Marriage isn’t about making Dalia understand my perspective at any cost. Rather, it is about accepting that which I don’t understand. This brings us to the third letter “A” in the G.R.A.C.E. model for cross-cultural marriage.
“A” – Accept your spouse’s perspective and feelings
Understanding between cross-cultural spouses can be difficult when each person has developed a perspective that comes from a very different set of assumptions. This is where grace enters the picture. Grace is learning to accept that which I may not understand. Why should I accept what doesn’t make sense to me? The answer is profound yet simple. Integrating our viewpoints creates a co-constructed paradigm that is richer. Put simply, Dalia and I are better together than apart when we replace our natural push to sell with a sincere effort to accept that our differences have value.