Graceful Acts

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Healthy Disagreement

Disagreement! All marriages have it. Husbands and wives frequently just can’t see eye to eye on an issue.  Sometimes these disagreements amount to trivial skirmishes that are easily dismissed. Other times such disagreements can be rationalized and negotiated to arrive at a common understanding. But, sometimes try as we may we sometimes have to just agree to disagree. That is to be expected when two people with differing views are living life together.

Many couples errantly think that they are not supposed to have disagreements. Young couples are often disoriented when disagreement arises because they think the harmony and bliss that accompanied the romantic phase of their relationship is supposed to last forever. Husbands often keep their opinions to themselves so as not to face the argument of a disagreeing spouse. Wives sometimes bite their tongue to maintain household harmony.

In cross-cultural marriages the disagreement is more pronounced. Disagreements over food, dress, family, friends, religion, parenting, and home are often frequent and emotionally charged. At the heart of most of these disagreements is a belief that one’s cultural upbringing is valid and should be appreciated by your spouse. Yet when our spouses fail to appreciate our perspective, we sometimes take measures that harm the relationship. Such destructive actions include emotional withdrawal, verbal (and sometimes physical) attacks, withholding physical intimacy, and other behaviors that we know makes our spouses mad.

The reality is that disagreement is healthy for your cross-cultural marriage. Disagreement is one of the most effective ways that you can be influenced by your spouse’s cultural identity. Disagreement is healthy for a relationship because it allows each person to shape the attitudes and behaviors of the other. This shaping process is the fuel for personal and marital growth. There is one key, however, that is vital to using disagreement to build the resilience and depth of your marriage. And, this point captures the fourth letter in our model of grace for cross-cultural marriages.

Principle 4: C – Complain without criticizing

When you disagree with your spouse, you don’t necessarily have to keep quiet about it. You can complain. The problem is that many cross-cultural spouses do not understand how to complain. Oftentimes, we allow the unspoken rules of our culture to dictate how we complain. Some cultures condone loud emotional responses. Other cultures allow belittling personal attacks. Still other cultures use more passive aggressive means. Effectively complaining, however, focuses on how your spouse’s actions make you feel. For example, an effective complaint to your spouse might be “I get frustrated when you make rice and beans every night for dinner.” This complaint keeps the focus on how you feel rather than attacking your spouse’s cooking. By complaining in this manner you set the stage for an emotional connection that strengthens your relationship rather than a criticism that tears it down. In this manner you show each other grace. Try it out during your next disagreement. And, let me know what happens.


Posted by Harold Arnold on 11/05 at 05:29 PM
Categories: Fighting   Graceful Acts  
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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Grace at Risk

The last three weeks have been mind-boggling. And, at the center of this swirl of activity is “risk management”. Major banks that have formed the backbone of our financial system for most of our lifetimes disappear over the course of a couple of days. European and U.S. treasuries dole out staggering amounts of money to instill confidence in risk-averse markets. Stock markets continue to plummet as investors cut their losses to avert further risk of capital. Credit markets are nearly paralyzed because banks don’t want to risk lending money to each other.

What does all of this have to do with cross-cultural marriage? Well, it introduces us to the second princple in developing a healthy inter-ethnic marriage. This principle is represented by the letter R….

Step 2: R—Risk being honest!

You have to be honest with yourself and with your spouse if you expect to give and receive grace in marriage. Yet for many marriages, honesty feels too risky. Some wives wonder “what will my husband think if I tell him how I really feel?” Husbands often ponder the question “will my wife lose confidence in me if I admit that I don’t know what to do.” And, in crisis marriages being honest could lead to an abusive reaction. Underneath all of these (and similar) questions is another question “How much do I trust my spouse to unconditionally love me?” Trust is the key. Yet, cross-cultural marriages often struggle to have this level of trust because of disappoinments due to unmet needs and expectations. Absent such trust, spouses refuse to be vulnerable. Marriages that are not trusting will never have a culture of grace.

Dalia and I continue to work on being honest with ourselves and with each other. For me, I often have to ask myself to honestly assess my own motives. I have to be willing to admit to myself when I am being selfish rather than coming up with some rationalization that makes me look more noble. In other instances Dalia and I have to think hard about what what we really need from one another. Then we have to communicate that need in a way that the other can understand it rather than just assuming that he/she should grasp it “if he or she REALLY cared about me.” “Assumption” is a dirty word for cross-cultural marriages simply because each spouse often comes with a different set of them based on their backgrounds. The only way around this is to communicate honestly. If you don’t really trust your spouse just yet to do this fully, then start with something small and become more vulnerable as your spouse proves trustworthy. Extending grace is a risk in marriages, especially cross-cultural ones, because your spouse could take advantage of you.

So here is the marriage lesson that I have taken from today’s financial and credit markets. If I don’t trust Dalia with my emotions, I won’t take the risk of being honest with her. And, if I don’t accept this risk, our grace can only be conditional. And, conditional grace is really no grace at all. In other words without honesty and trust, our grace is at risk.


Posted by Harold Arnold on 10/16 at 05:38 PM
Categories: Graceful Acts  
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