Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Faith, Family, Friends, Finances, and Food

Couples make decisions daily that may have long-term impact on their marriages. We often, however, fail to realize the magnitude of these decisions in guiding the course of our marriages.  It is particularly important in the early stages of marriage to understand the ground rules for good decision-making because husbands and wives are still in a trusting posture with each others. Of course, the challenge is the newly-married couples often lack the tools and understanding to make healthy decisions. As a result, trust is slowly eroded.

Cross-cultural couples have many challenges in the decision-making arena, especially when their cultural backgrounds are significantly dissimilar.  Cross-cultural couples must learn to work the the divergent, though ingrained, attitudes that each partner brings to the marriage.

In my experience as a counselor and in my own cross-cultural marriage, I have distilled five principles that, while vital to all marriages, are particularly important to the inter-ethnic marriage.

1.          Prioritize your belief that there is a transcendent purpose for your marriage that lies beyond your own self-gratification. Many of the challenges that cross-cultural marriages face are a result of one or both partners trying to assert their view as THE correct view. But, what is THE correct view is really one that integrates what each of you offers? I almost guarantee that what you offer as a couple will have more impact on those around you than what either of you offer as individuals.

2.          Communicate to your spouse that his/her emotional well-being is the highest priority. If I could communicate the one single most important thing that the cross-cultural couple can do to strengthen their marriage, it is this point. If your spouse believes that you are a compassionate caretaker of his/her emotions, he/she will entrust those emotions to you to the death. But, couples often misunderstand in that they believe this level of trust is given. It isn’t. It is always earned.

3.          Choose friends with similar cultural backgrounds that are invested in the health of your marriage. Inter-ethnic couples must cultivate trusting relationships with others who share each of their cultural backgrounds—particularly if they have strong cultural identities. Your marriage is enriched when you engage with others who understand the cultural nuances and can stands with you in agreement through encourage, mediation, education, or prayer.

4.          Jointly develop a financial plan. Money marriage woes cripple many marriages. A couple’s attitude towards money nearly always reflects their experiences with money in the family of origin.  Cross-cultural couples need open and honest communication about needs, wants, aspirations and expectations regarding residence, workload, academic pursuits, pregnancy planning, transportation, tithing, entertainment, hobbies, and any other lifestyle choices that are impacted by finances.

5.          Understand the significance of food and meal planning to your spouse. Food is one of the most distinct elements of a culture.  And, the one responsible for food preparation is often laden with culturally-based gender role expectations. Cross-cultural couples should communicate expectations about food preparation, gender roles, and dinner service.