Monday, April 27, 2009

The Half-Dead Marriage

This past weekend I took advantage of gorgeous 90+ degree weather to do some spring cleaning in my yard. As I worked on cleaning leaves from one of the mulched beds around my home, I was struck by one of our bushes. No, I wasn’t literally struck by it. But, I was intrigued that buds are only forming on half of the bush. The other half appears dead. Perplexed, I looked for an explanation. It didn’t take long to notice that half of the bush was mostly uprooted while the other half was still firmly planted. While I’m not sure what to do about my half-dead bush, it triggered in my mind an email that I had just received from a couple that alerted me to some marital problems they are having.

You might ask, what does my half-dead bush have to do with marital problems. Fair question. Here’s the connection. My heart is really tugged by half-dead marriages. What is a half-dead marriage? It can be a marriage where one spouse is giving most (or all) of the effort and the other one is failing to hold up his/her end of the bargain. It could also be a marriage where spouses just go through the motions with little to no real emotional connection. In some ways half-dead marriages are particularly dangerous because they lull unsuspecting couples into a false sense of security (for example they see their half-dead state as better than a divorce).

I want to challenge those who feel emotionally disconnected from their spouse to make another genuine effort at moving closer together. I don’t necessarily expect a miracle—just a step. What can you do today to take a step towards your spouse? Remember that half-dead means that it is also half-alive. There is life in your marriage. The question is how to make it more abundant.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Creativity breeds creativity

Merry Christmas! As I think about the birth of Christ during this holiday season, God’s creativity is foremost in my mind. From the beginning of the word, God has created. The book of Genesis describes God’s creative genius as He brought forth the earth, water, and skies. He created plant life and animal life (including mankind) with creativity that thousands of years later we still struggle to understand.

One of the most amazing aspects of God’s creative efforts, however, is the creative properties that he placed within his creation. In other words, in creating humankind in His own image He designed us to be creative. Whether it be artistic, technological, or relational humankind exhibits an amazing array of creative energy. And, the most amazing property of this creativity is that it is optimized in the presence of other creative people. Here is the model: Creativity breeds creativity. God, the Creator, create us to be creators ourselves. Our purpose is to create. Regardless of your specific gift, ultimately it is about creating something that highlights God’s splendor—thus directing others to Him.

Social science research has long established that one of the many benefits of cross-cultural relationships is their creative value. Diversity elicits creativity as differing ways of thinking enrich the idea or the product. Although diverse thinking often produces friction, when pushed through productively this friction leads to a better outcome.

This is an excellent discourse about the value of cross-cultural relationships. God imbues each of us with a bit of Himself. And, He commands us to be in relationship with one another for the express purpose of channeling our collective giftings in a creative endeavor. This is especially true in intimate cross-cultural relationships like marriage. Emotional tumult often makes it difficult for us to see God’s creativity in our spouses. But, it is there just as it is in each of us. Your job and mine is to cultivate this creativity in a way that honors one another. In the end it is God who is honored as He smiles at His good work. As you enjoy this Christmas season and the birth of Jesus, be reminded that God has also birthed something in you. What are you creating with it?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Lesson on Togetherness

“Togetherness” - this is such an important concept in intimate relationships. But, what does it mean? Some think about togetherness in physical terms. We are together when we are in close proximity. Couples interpreting togetherness primarily in the physical sense often judge the quality of their relationship by the amount of time of number of instances in which they are in each other’s company. Others think about togetherness in more ideological terms. In other words, they assess their relational health by the extent to which they agree on ideas or philosophies. Still others use more metaphysical barometers to gauge togetherness. These couples base their togetherness on more emotional and spiritual indicators of intimacy.

Cross-cultural couples can validly look to physical, ideological, and metaphysical indicators to measure their relational connectedness or togetherness. But, all of these measures fall short of capturing the full essence of togetherness because they all rely on some degree of self-centeredness-whether one feels personally satisfied that his or her needs are met. I would like to offer a fourth measure of togetherness for cross-cultural couples. It is the idea that we spouses are responsible for carrying the needs and desires of our partners with us. Rather than being self-centered, this view of togetherness suggests that the hurts and joys of my spouse (regardless of whether I understand or agree with them) are internalized as my own. With this perspective of togetherness, cross-cultural couples can be secure that their emotional well-being is prioritized in the relationship. And, this sense of emotional security is the most valid proxy of togetherness as it convinces the couple that they are better together than they are apart. As importantly, it relieves couples that they can be unequivocally together even as they sometimes walk different paths.