Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Honoring your parents

The fifth commandment (of the ten) that God gave to Moses for the Hebrew nation is to “Honor thy father and mother.” I’ve been thinking about this commandment lately as I write on the challenges facing cross-cultural marriages. It is well known that cultures in different parts of the world place different priorities on this commandment. And, of course different cultures interpret “honor” in many ways as well. For example, Eastern cultures tend to have stronger familial ties in which individual decisions and aspirations are significantly connected to the ideology of the parents. Incorporating parental wisdom, aspiring to family expectations, and caring for aging parents are aspects of how these cultures show honor.

In more Western cultures, individual desires (individualism) tend to be more highly valued than familial ones. This, however, does not mean that Western cultures are any less obedient to God’s fifth commandment. Honor is shown differently. Often this entails living near parents so that parents, children, and grandchildren can be actively engaged in the daily routine. At other times there are the routine phone calls to keep an eye (or an ear) on their health status (whether physical, financial, social, or other).
Parental honor may look differently as you move from one part of the world to another. But, what happens when individuals from different cultures marry? The role of parents in the nuclear family is often a source of conflict, particularly when husband and wife hail from significantly different cultures. It is common for one party to feel that the parents are being too intrusive while the other party sees them as wanting to be helpful. One party sometimes feels like the parents are too demanding while the other sees them as lonely. There are thousands of possible scenarios that can cause conflict that culminates in statements like “I married you NOT your parents” or “you need to choose between me or your mother.”  These are difficult dilemmas because the spouse feels trapped between his/her love for parents and love for spouse. Sometimes, you hear Christians insensitively say that the Bible makes it clear that you are to separate from your parents and cling to your spouse (Mark 10:7). I’ve been very guilty of using this line too liberally. As I consider this issue though, I believe God calls us to hold the Mark 2:7 admonition in one hand and to hold the fifth commandment in the other so that we avoid the hypocrisy that Jesus accuses the religious folk of in Matthew 15:3-9.
Those of us in cross-cultural marriages must draw boundaries around the husband and wife—fostering an intimacy that cannot be broken by ANYONE! Yet, at the same time we must honor our parents by giving them respect. This show of respect will adjust with time and situations. But, it will always place a premium on including them in your lives in whatever form that takes (particularly when your parents have proven themselves honorable). And, this respect will always find ways to care for them when they are less able to care for themselves. And, finally this respect will always seek to incorporate their wisdom into your own life. With these thoughts in mind, take a fresh look at the ways in which you obey the fifth commandment in your own marriage. As scripture tells us, this is a key to longevity on earth.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Your Marriage is What You Think

As I contemplate what makes marriage work, it is no surprise to me that I come back to the way we think. What comes to your mind when you think about your marriage? Are your thoughts about your marriage mostly focused on successes and accomplishing shared goals or repeated stumbles and failures? I’m not sure how Descartes would look at contemporary marriages. But, in his new book “Think and make it happen” author Dr. Augusto Cury offers a powerful suite of tools sure to impact any marriage. Although Cury’s focus is not marriage specifically, he tackles its most vital marital issue—overcoming negative thoughts. Cury offers twelve principles to control your thinking.  While many of his principles offer practical advice to take control of our thoughts, his admonitions to doubt, criticize, and determine (DCD) what goes through our minds is key. We must be critical of our thoughts about our marriage. Marriage is filled with peaks and valleys.  A cacophony of negative thoughts experienced during the valleys can derail even the most solid marriages. We married couples must realize the power we have to steer the relationship, mostly by honoring our spouse’s needs. I also strongly appreciate Cury’s suggestions on how to take charge of our emotions, which of course are triggered by our thoughts. Couples that are able to avoid the emotional meltdowns avoid the negative escalation of emotions during conflicts.

In the chapter titled “Learn to listen and dialogue”, Cury advises married couples to ask four important questions of their mates: (1) When have I disappointed you?, (2) Which of my behaviors annoys you?, (3) What could I do to make you happier?, and (4) How can I be a better friend? Now,there is something for all of us to think about. The future of your marriage is what you think it to be.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Beauty for Ashes

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified” - Isaiah 61:1-3

I love this passage from the book of Isaiah because it is a reminder of the three elements of my own commission. First, as an educator my goal is to bring good news to those needing some-particularly as it relates to relational challenges. Second, as a psychologist I seek to help others see the psychological and relational chains that weigh down their aspirations. Third, as a Christian to offer Christ as the perfect substitute for the heaviness of spirit that causes many to languish in unfulfilling relationships.

Marriage relationships (and other intimate relationships) have tremendous power to dictate how liberated we feel in life. These relationships influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. Many of you in cross-cultural marriages (and same culture marriages) are struggling because you see the relationship as limiting and binding. The differences in expectations, preferences, and needs may be wreaking havoc. Despite your attempts to improve communication and reduce conflict, it seems you just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. And, many times there is no one to talk to that really understands your struggle.

If this is you, the word of the Lord today is “beauty for ashes.” In the Old Testament the custom was to mourn in sackcloth with ashes placed upon your head. The ashes are significant because they represent complete destruction. When something is broken, it may be fixed. But, when something is reduced to ashes it is destroyed. God, however, is promising to replace your mourning over that which you see as destroyed with something beautiful. You may wonder “where is this beauty” when you think about your marriage relationship. Isaiah gives us a clue. It is in the joy and the praise. It is seeing the glass half full rather than half empty. It is appreciating the beauty and wonder in the small things that surround you. It is in the splendor of the telephone call or email that came right when you needed to hear good news. It is in the warm smile that you exchange with the neighbor or someone in the grocery store. When we experience this beauty it reminds us in a quite tangible way of the magnitude of God’s glory. Married folks (particularly those of us who are mourning aspects of our marriage), let’s challenge one another to see the beauty with which God surrounds us.

Friday, January 02, 2009

A New Year Resolution 2009

Happy New Year! I hope that all of you had the merriest of Christmases and enjoyed the festivities bringing in 2009 with a bang. I don’t know about you. But, I’m still trying to figure out where 2008 went. As you think back over your 2008, what would you say are the most significant events as it pertains to your marriage relationship?

My most memorable marriage events were an all expense paid Cancun trip that was given to my wife and me from dear friends early in the year, our 20th anniversary trip to Puerto Rico in the middle of the year, and my decision to step down from my Director of Christian Education volunteer role at my church to spend more time at home. For me, I summarize the 2008 installment of my marriage as, “Healing in the silver lining.” For me, my marriage has been a stable and nurturing force in 2008 as I have dealt with a number of disappointments in goals that I had. When I’m down, my wife is my biggest encourager. When I feel behind in the game, she is my most devout fan. Her reassurance staves off discouragement and keeps me fighting. My marriage is my silver lining with healing properties. How would you summarize your marriage in 2008?

Over the holidays, I received my word for 2009. The word is “joy.” I must admit that this is a difficult word for me personally. My personality type is not typically associated with joy. But, I have resolved myself to pursue joyous living in 2009. I’m not quite sure how that will work. I am being prayerful to God to show me how to live with a more overt spirit of joy. I chuckle even as I say this. But, one thing is for sure. My marriage will be the backbone of this pursuit. I pray a spirit of joy upon your life and your marriage as well.

Here’s to a JOYOUS NEW YEAR!