Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Creativity breeds creativity

Merry Christmas! As I think about the birth of Christ during this holiday season, God’s creativity is foremost in my mind. From the beginning of the word, God has created. The book of Genesis describes God’s creative genius as He brought forth the earth, water, and skies. He created plant life and animal life (including mankind) with creativity that thousands of years later we still struggle to understand.

One of the most amazing aspects of God’s creative efforts, however, is the creative properties that he placed within his creation. In other words, in creating humankind in His own image He designed us to be creative. Whether it be artistic, technological, or relational humankind exhibits an amazing array of creative energy. And, the most amazing property of this creativity is that it is optimized in the presence of other creative people. Here is the model: Creativity breeds creativity. God, the Creator, create us to be creators ourselves. Our purpose is to create. Regardless of your specific gift, ultimately it is about creating something that highlights God’s splendor—thus directing others to Him.

Social science research has long established that one of the many benefits of cross-cultural relationships is their creative value. Diversity elicits creativity as differing ways of thinking enrich the idea or the product. Although diverse thinking often produces friction, when pushed through productively this friction leads to a better outcome.

This is an excellent discourse about the value of cross-cultural relationships. God imbues each of us with a bit of Himself. And, He commands us to be in relationship with one another for the express purpose of channeling our collective giftings in a creative endeavor. This is especially true in intimate cross-cultural relationships like marriage. Emotional tumult often makes it difficult for us to see God’s creativity in our spouses. But, it is there just as it is in each of us. Your job and mine is to cultivate this creativity in a way that honors one another. In the end it is God who is honored as He smiles at His good work. As you enjoy this Christmas season and the birth of Jesus, be reminded that God has also birthed something in you. What are you creating with it?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Lesson on Togetherness

“Togetherness” - this is such an important concept in intimate relationships. But, what does it mean? Some think about togetherness in physical terms. We are together when we are in close proximity. Couples interpreting togetherness primarily in the physical sense often judge the quality of their relationship by the amount of time of number of instances in which they are in each other’s company. Others think about togetherness in more ideological terms. In other words, they assess their relational health by the extent to which they agree on ideas or philosophies. Still others use more metaphysical barometers to gauge togetherness. These couples base their togetherness on more emotional and spiritual indicators of intimacy.

Cross-cultural couples can validly look to physical, ideological, and metaphysical indicators to measure their relational connectedness or togetherness. But, all of these measures fall short of capturing the full essence of togetherness because they all rely on some degree of self-centeredness-whether one feels personally satisfied that his or her needs are met. I would like to offer a fourth measure of togetherness for cross-cultural couples. It is the idea that we spouses are responsible for carrying the needs and desires of our partners with us. Rather than being self-centered, this view of togetherness suggests that the hurts and joys of my spouse (regardless of whether I understand or agree with them) are internalized as my own. With this perspective of togetherness, cross-cultural couples can be secure that their emotional well-being is prioritized in the relationship. And, this sense of emotional security is the most valid proxy of togetherness as it convinces the couple that they are better together than they are apart. As importantly, it relieves couples that they can be unequivocally together even as they sometimes walk different paths.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Faith, Family, Friends, Finances, and Food

Couples make decisions daily that may have long-term impact on their marriages. We often, however, fail to realize the magnitude of these decisions in guiding the course of our marriages.  It is particularly important in the early stages of marriage to understand the ground rules for good decision-making because husbands and wives are still in a trusting posture with each others. Of course, the challenge is the newly-married couples often lack the tools and understanding to make healthy decisions. As a result, trust is slowly eroded.

Cross-cultural couples have many challenges in the decision-making arena, especially when their cultural backgrounds are significantly dissimilar.  Cross-cultural couples must learn to work the the divergent, though ingrained, attitudes that each partner brings to the marriage.

In my experience as a counselor and in my own cross-cultural marriage, I have distilled five principles that, while vital to all marriages, are particularly important to the inter-ethnic marriage.

1.          Prioritize your belief that there is a transcendent purpose for your marriage that lies beyond your own self-gratification. Many of the challenges that cross-cultural marriages face are a result of one or both partners trying to assert their view as THE correct view. But, what is THE correct view is really one that integrates what each of you offers? I almost guarantee that what you offer as a couple will have more impact on those around you than what either of you offer as individuals.

2.          Communicate to your spouse that his/her emotional well-being is the highest priority. If I could communicate the one single most important thing that the cross-cultural couple can do to strengthen their marriage, it is this point. If your spouse believes that you are a compassionate caretaker of his/her emotions, he/she will entrust those emotions to you to the death. But, couples often misunderstand in that they believe this level of trust is given. It isn’t. It is always earned.

3.          Choose friends with similar cultural backgrounds that are invested in the health of your marriage. Inter-ethnic couples must cultivate trusting relationships with others who share each of their cultural backgrounds—particularly if they have strong cultural identities. Your marriage is enriched when you engage with others who understand the cultural nuances and can stands with you in agreement through encourage, mediation, education, or prayer.

4.          Jointly develop a financial plan. Money marriage woes cripple many marriages. A couple’s attitude towards money nearly always reflects their experiences with money in the family of origin.  Cross-cultural couples need open and honest communication about needs, wants, aspirations and expectations regarding residence, workload, academic pursuits, pregnancy planning, transportation, tithing, entertainment, hobbies, and any other lifestyle choices that are impacted by finances.

5.          Understand the significance of food and meal planning to your spouse. Food is one of the most distinct elements of a culture.  And, the one responsible for food preparation is often laden with culturally-based gender role expectations. Cross-cultural couples should communicate expectations about food preparation, gender roles, and dinner service.