Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Home for the Holidays?

Celia took an important step in breaking her part of a dysfunctional couple pattern: chronic accommodation to Rob’s needs, real or perceived, at the expense of her own. As Celia let Rob solve a problem that was Rob’s to solve, instead of letting him off the hook, Rob in turn was encouraged that Celia was able to acknowledge his predicament rather than fixing it, then resenting him. Rob and Celia are happy with their therapist, Carolyn. She was actually grateful, she said, that they had issues scheduling the first appointment, because it was a chance to talk about how to turn a negative pattern into a positive one. They left their first session feeling hopeful that Carolyn would be key in getting their relationship back on track. While they are still in what Carolyn calls an “assessment phase,” they have both learned a lot already from talking about their respective families. Carolyn shared her perspective that in choosing a mate, we often select someone who will replicate an experience from our families of origin. For example, Rob, a firstborn child, and Celia, a youngest, fit together naturally in a manner that will be emotionally comfortable, even if this experience is unconscious. Rob and Celia have teased one another playfully since then whenever they observe the other behaving in accordance with their birth order. Once Rob ordered for Celia in a restaurant without even checking with her, perceiving a power vacuum where none existed, as firstborns are inclined to do. Celia said once in passing, “I’ll apply for that job next week” even though she was very interested in it, assuming as a lastborn that eventually things will happen regardless of the quality of her efforts. Carolyn assured them that their ability to laugh with one another over these unconscious patterns is a positive couple trait. As they talked about their families, though, Rob became more convinced than ever that part of Celia’s struggles in the relationship have something to do with her parents’ divorce and her father’s remarriage. Celia denies this, although she admits that every year since she has been of age she has refused her father’s invitation to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or both with him and his second family. Carolyn is encouraging Celia to consider visiting this year, in part for the purpose of “doing some detective work” around her own feelings, which Carolyn considers crucial before marriage. After this third session, Rob chimed in vehemently to support Carolyn’s suggestion, to the point that Celia realized that refusing to visit her father over the holidays is going to become an issue for them. Since Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is right around the corner, she needs to address this soon. What should Celia do?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Waiting to Exhale (Harold’s response)

I like the way Joanne characterized "the rut." How many us married folks can identify with it? It is the imagery of the daily grind that has beaten us into submission. It is the habit or attitude which we've become comfortable in our discomfort. In recent years, I've come to believe that one of the mortal enemies of authentic marriage is "the rut" -- accepting the way things are with little aspiration for something better.

We see this more and more in dating relationships like Rob and Celia's. How do young couples like Rob and Celia become stuck in a rut at such an early point in their relationship--not even being married yet? I think at the core it is about change. When it comes to human behavior, change is usually difficult. Although we've heard a lot about change recently in the U.S. with the election season, change is often very difficult for couples to embrace. Sometimes it is fear of the unknown. At other times, it is fear of losing control. Still other times, it is both. 

What strikes me most, however, about this most recent interaction between Rob and Celia was the hope that it engendered. Not only do I sense hope between them. But, honestly for the first time, I actually feel hope myself about the direction of this relationship. For me, this sense of hope crept into my gut, as Celia smiled when she heard Rob exhale over the phone. This seemingly simple action and response speaks volumes to me.

Rob's pent up anxiety over the therapy situtation was obviously wearing him down. Maybe he was starting to feel "the rut" again. He was afraid to lose his job or to lose his girl--neither a good option. He felt trapped and his bated breath showed that. But, the fact that Celia felt happy for this release of Rob's tension shows her love for him too. In several ways, I think they both have been waiting to exhale and move forward with this relationship. And, truthfully I think I'll exhale now myself.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Use Your Gut (To Get Out Of The Rut) - Joanne’s Response

There is a popular saying that has particular relevance in the field of couple and family therapy: that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.   Celia used the old-fashioned method to both figure out her rut and to get out of it: she followed her gut.  Our emotions are our best indicators when something in a relationship is not working.  Celia first used her feelings to point her to the problem, which is her chronic accommodation to Rob, then used her head to respond differently, which in this case was to remain silent.  I am further impressed that Celia recognized that her job was to change her pattern, and it was further her job to let Rob be responsible for Rob's end of the deal. Commitment plus this kind of authenticity can be a potent relationship builder.  

Monday, November 17, 2008

When Win-Win Loses

Once Rob agreed to attend couples’ therapy, which was Celia’s condition for moving toward engagement, everything seemed back on track with their relationship.  That is until a work emergency threatened Rob’s attendance at the first scheduled therapy appointment. 

Celia sat in a coffee shop and sipped a pumpkin latte, watching her phone and willing it to ring.  She held the business card for the therapist, Carolyn Cassidy, in her hand.  She was actually shaking a little as she flipped the card over and over, from the printed front to the appointment date and time she had scrawled on the reverse.  She had just done the hardest thing she had ever done in the years she and Rob had been together.  When Rob had phoned her with the news that his boss was in the hospital and the auditors were inbound (and the responsibility for working with them therefore defaulting to Rob) she had remained silent.  Amazing, how much emotional energy it took to avoid letting him off the hook. 

She realized that for two years she had yielded to Rob.  Whatever Rob wanted or needed, Celia had flexed to accommodate. From the moment Rob had asked her to marry him and it had hit her that she didn’t want to, she had been questioning her stance in the relationship. She thought she had been showing Rob love, but now it didn’t seem loving.  Now it just seemed weak.  She had not been doing either of them any favors by being a doormat. 

Celia understood that Rob was in a bind.  But she also understood that any future life together was only going to be more complicated than this.  What about when they are juggling two full-time jobs?  What about when they have kids?  Though she laughed at herself for dwelling on a hypothetical situation that was so far in the future, she nevertheless feared setting up a relationship rule in which she would be expected to take off work to care for a sick child. 

No wonder she was shaking.  All this had landed on her in the brief moment between receiving Rob’s call, remaining silent about her preference, and agreeing that he should think about it and call her back.  For Celia, who had for two years let Rob be the grown-up in the relationship, this was a lot of thinking in one five-minute period, but she liked it.    Her job was to let Rob know how she felt.  His job was to take responsibility for his own decision, whatever that decision would be.  As she articulated this in her mind, her fluttering heart and hands began to settle. 

The phone vibrated and Celia saw Rob’s name on the screen.  

“Hi, honey,” she said as she answered. 

“Celia.  I know how important this appointment is to you.  I have thought this through from every angle I can but I can’t come up with a way for everyone to win in this.”

“I know.  I can’t come up with a win-win either.” 

“You can’t?”

“No.  I know you’re in a tough spot.” 

Celia could hear Rob exhale and she smiled inwardly.  It sounded like had hadn’t exhaled for the entire time she had been waiting for him to call back. 

“Celia, it means everything to me that we’re starting therapy together, and we will do that as soon as possible.  But, I need to reschedule today’s appointment.  If you’ll give me her number I’ll call and do that.” 

How should Celia respond to Rob?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

What’s Important? (Joanne’s response)

Many relationships degrade by increments because of a couple's weaknesses around the point Harold made:  How to show your partner you care about his or her needs even if you can't meet them right now.   Women are as likely as men to dismiss valid needs as unimportant if they happen to be inconvenient, though Harold was chivalrous in owning up for his gender.  

This struggle plays out all over the issues spectrum, from sex to birthday presents to visiting the in-laws.  For those who want to grow a healthy relationship, there's a key point to remember.  If it's important to your wife or husband, then IT'S IMPORTANT, regardless of where it lands on your priority
list.  This does not require you to respond with "how high" the moment your partner says "jump."  It does require you to acknowledge when something is important to them and that you value it because it's important to them (even if it doesn't rank for you).  If you have a headache tonight, let your spouse know you're up for a candlelit massage tomorrow night.  If you really can't tolerate a visit to the in-laws this weekend, let them know when you will. DON'T remind your partner about the last time you did have sex, or how good you were the last time Mom just dropped in. If there seems to be a recurring issue, you will need to to have a more in-depth conversation about it -- why are in-law visits always a problem, for example? 

If Rob is wise -- and I think he is -- he'll communicate to Celia that she is more important than his job, and THEN HE'LL FOLLOW THROUGH with behavior that underscores his point, such as taking the lead in scheduling the next session.  His words will be meaningless without follow through. 

Genuine Concern (Harold’s response)

Rob's dilemma intrigues me for one reason. He has to figure out how to make Celia's desires feel like a priority to him even as he has to communicate his inability to do this specific appointment. For me this feels like one of the key dynamics in a healthy relationship--the tension of communicating how valuable one's needs are even when you can't necessarily satisfy those needs right now.  How many times do we each face this dilemma in marriage? I know many husbands who turn a blind eye to their wife's needs because they realize that there is nothing that they can do to meet it. I've made this mistake plenty of times. The reality is that the key to healthy interaction is communicating understanding and empathy of the situation.

 I am convinced that Rob really does want to do therapy with Celia. I am also sure that Rob should perform his job with the auditors coming. Rob needs to communicate to Celia that therapy is mportant to him.  How might he do this even without being able to make this appointment? There are probably any number of ways. But, all of them must have one thing in common--a genuine affirmation of Celia's desire.

Tough Choices

After Celia turned down Rob’s marriage proposal, this young couple hit a rough patch.  Having decided against living together but for seeking therapy to address some longstanding issues, Rob and Celia are now up against an “everyday impasse” in which an unforeseen work situation threatens to prevent Rob from attending their first therapy appointment. 

Rob sat at his desk with his head in his hands.  Why did this have to be so complicated?  He was going to call Celia back in ten minutes, time he had requested to clear his head and think.  His initial, albeit naïve hope that she would just let him off the hook by saying, “It’s OK, honey.  We can just reschedule the appointment,” had not occurred.  Nor should it have, he realized. 

 In Rob’s mind, therapy had already begun, because he was fully committed to this and not only because it was Celia’s condition for moving toward engagement.  If therapy didn’t begin today it would begin another day.  No big deal. 

 But if Rob was learning any one thing from their recent crisis, it was the things that were no big deal to him were without doubt important to Celia, and vice-versa.  Rob was painfully aware that the manner in which he handled this would communicate volumes to Celia about how flexible he was willing to be, which was important to him because Celia made it clear that he felt controlling to her at times.  He could not simply refuse to attend this appointment and then tell Celia she shouldn’t be upset by it because it’s no big deal.  He had asked her to arrange for a therapist near his office and he had not stipulated when.  Celia had kept up her end of the bargain. 

 So if he did “refuse to attend” – those words seemed unnecessarily dramatic – “choose not to attend due to work” seemed more accurate – he could, perhaps (though it seemed counterintuitive), avoid some of the wrath of Celia by acknowledging that it is a big deal.  But could he avoid that spiraling into, “Then if you knew it was a big deal why didn’t you just come?” 

 Well, the argument might be unavoidable.  But Rob was stuck between a big deal, Celia and therapy, and a big deal, this audit and an out-sick controller.  There was no good choice and there was no right choice, as far as his reasoning abilities could determine.

 But the fact was that therapy could be rescheduled even if they had to pay a cancellation fee, and the auditors (who had flown in last night and were even now in transit from their hotel) could not be rescheduled or even delayed an hour without significant wasted cost to the firm, which would be Rob’s fault despite the controller’s unscheduled appendicitis attack.

 The more he thought it through the more obvious it became to Rob that the prudent choice was to remain at work and deal with the consequences with Celia.  He thought long and hard about how best to do that, then picked up the phone to call her back. 

How should Rob handle this? 

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Avoiding Ultimatums (Harold’s response)

Rob and Celia's decision to come back together is welcome for me. I really felt uncomfortable with the ultimatum that had arisen. I wanted to address this issue a little.

In her response, Joanne talked about the infrequency of true ultimatums in typical marriage relationships. But, I think I see it a little differently. Actually, I think we make such ultimatums often--only internally. They are just unspoken and possibly unacknowledged. How many times have you said, if he disappoints me one more time, I'll never rely on him again. Or, how about those instances when you thought she has gotten away with that for the last time. While these "ultimatums" may not predict the end of the marriage, I think that the accumulation of them does represent the end of authenticity and trust in the relationship. These issues speak to disappointment. And, disappointment is a major culprit in marital dissatisfaction and dissolution.

Rob and Celia were able to survive the ultimatum. Hopefully, their therapy sessions (if they happen) will help them to avoid them. I do have one tip for Celia though...you might want to talk to Rob about his work schedule BEFORE you make an appointment for counseling.

Everyday Choices (Joanne’s response)

I am proud of Rob and Celia for two reasons.  First, they were able to find a common path. Second, they realized they can move forward on this path one step at a time.  These approaches show more maturity than the all-or-nothing approaches each advocated during their recent crisis.  Rob may have been mistaken to believe that prior to this point their two-plus-year relationship was building toward something.  It may have been more akin to long-term dating than anything with momentum.  Their decision now is a decision to invest and be goal-oriented. 

Most couples face relationship ultimatums rather infrequently.   Today’s therapy quandary, though, is the type of everyday impasse that is the bread and butter of intimate relationships.  It’s a tough one.  There is no real compromise position.  There is no time to discuss it.  Whatever decision is made will have real, possibly negative consequences.  The only mystery here is whether it will be Rob or Celia who is left holding the bag.  I am curious what they will decide, and even more curious how they handle the aftermath which is infinitely more important than the decision itself.  I feel hopeful, though, that they are acquiring the skills to manage it. 

Monday, October 27, 2008

A Call for Help

Rob and Celia, in their early twenties, are trying to figure out their future together.  When Celia turned down Rob’s marriage proposal, they considered living together, but began to fight badly about this “solution” because it pleased neither. Finally, Rob gave Celia an ultimatum:  decide what you want, so we can move forward together – or apart.

Rob was getting anxious.  When Celia had responded, “I’ll let you know” to his ultimatum, she had not mentioned by when.  Four days had passed.  He was sensitive to the fact that he had come on pretty strong recently, and didn’t want to continue overwhelming Celia.  He missed her and he wanted her to choose him over her independence, but her tears in their final fight helped him to grasp what her independence meant to her. 

Meanwhile, Celia had struggled too.  She had spent time on the phone with her sister Catherine, who was unabashedly pro-Rob, but had also hung out with her friend Marian who was anti-marriage to anyone.  Nevertheless, though her confidants were partisan, the conversations helped.  Two clear threads emerged for Celia.   One, she wanted to grow and change and experience the world.  Two, she wanted to do that with Rob at her side.  Moreover, after a few days to reflect, the two directions she yearned to follow no longer felt mutually exclusive, and Celia began to imagine a future that could reasonably include both. 

Just as Rob had settled the debate with himself about whether or not to call Celia (in favor of a quick check-in text), Celia called him and asked if she could come over.   Both of them were nervous, but Celia quickly filled Rob in on her process of the last few days.  When she told Rob she wanted to make it work out, he took her in his arms and kissed her. 

“But,” she said.  Rob stiffened.  “We still have issues to work out, and I don’t think we can do that without help.  Would you be willing to see a therapist with me?”

“Can we call it pre-marital counseling?”  Rob asked. 

“I’ll call it pre-marital counseling as long as we’re not engaged – yet.”  Rob looked disappointed.  “But I get that that’s the goal, and it’s what I want to work toward too.”   Celia kissed Rob this time. 

The next morning, Celia called a therapist whose name she’d gotten from the pastor at the church at which she conducted the choir.  She had requested one located near Rob’s office so he could conveniently leave during the work day.  She scheduled an intake appointment for the following Monday morning. 

An hour before the appointment, Rob called Celia from work, in a panic.  “I can’t make it to the therapist.  The auditors are coming in today and my boss is out sick.  I’ve got to be here.” 

“Can’t you leave for just an hour?” 

“No.  Trust me, that would be bad.” 

“Bad how?  Like lose your job bad?”

“Probably not that bad, but passed over for promotion because I let down the team bad.” 

“But Rob, this is important to me.”

They were both quiet, but it was a quiet full of meaning:  Rob could feel Celia silently begging him to leave the office to meet her, and Celia could hear him communicating a plea to be let off the hook.