Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, December 26, 2011

The House Hunt

Previous episode
Rob and Celia, in their separate ways, have been attempting to redefine their relationships with Celia’s mother, with whom they are in the process of buying a house. 

Current episode
Rob’s firm closed the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so for the time being he was working only one job, the part time Starbucks job.  He had planned to work extra shifts – he found that paying down debt and building savings provided him with more energy than sleep did – but he decided to take the extra time to do some house hunting with Celia.  They could use the time together anyway while Mom worked the after-Christmas sales. 

In the three weeks since they had decided to pursue buying a house together, Rob was encouraged that their plan was sound.  He and his mother-in-law continued to get along famously and Rob felt confident that little could arise in their relationship that he could not handle.  Celia, whose complicated relationship with her mother typically drained her, reported similar success.  “When Mom started talking about decorating the nursery,” Celia told Rob, “I told her that I refuse to think about a nursery until we have a new house.” 

They were driving around neighborhoods Rob considered affordable, trying to determine where to focus their search.  “And she accepted that,” Celia continued.  “I know it seems like a little thing, but I fully expected her to come up with some convoluted reasoning why outfitting the whole nursery and storing it in our living room until we move made sense.  Time was I would have believed her, but”— Celia paused.

“But what?” Rob prompted.

“But our relationship is so much better now that you are a part of it.  She’s less crazy”— Celia paused again, obviously in the middle of her comment.

—“And?” Rob prompted, again.

“And so am I,” Celia said.  “You and I have known each other for five years now.  It’s taken that long, but all the good stuff you got growing up – parents married, everyone happy more often than not – is rubbing off on me.  I feel like I can handle my mother for the first time ever.  Never in my life would it have occurred to me to live with her again, but I’m actually excited about this!”

Rob pulled over in front of a pretty, small Victorian on a tiny lot with a “For Sale” sign in front, turned off the engine and took Celia’s hand.  “Look at that,” he said, pointing to the house.  “I can’t believe this, but we could probably afford something like that.  It doesn’t have a separate guesthouse or anything, but as well as the three of us are getting alone, we might not need to be so separate.

Celia looked at the house and sighed.  “It looks like a place to raise a happy family, Rob.”  She turned to him.  “I really want to be a happy family.”

“So do I,” he said.  Rob kissed his wife, quite content with his lot in life.

How does their plan unfold?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Hard Talk

Previous episode
Rob and Celia’s plan to partner with her mother to buy a house to share is proceeding, but Celia has her doubts that she can manage that relationship without vaster mileage between them. 

Current episode
The first weekday of Celia’s Christmas break coincided with her mother’s day off as Williams-Sonoma holiday help.  Rob had already left for work and Celia, lying abed to avoid facing her mother, did not look forward to the day.  She had backed off from most interaction with her, yielding the responsibility to Rob, who had accepted it gladly since he tolerated Mom’s button pushing much better than Celia. 

She rolled over, laying on her back and putting her hands on her belly.  At four months pregnant, Celia’s bump was slight but present.  She knew from the pregnancy books that this was her window to be productive, between the end of fatigue and nausea but before she had grown big and uncomfortable.  But to be productive meant leaving this room and engaging her mother – so, immobilized, Celia remained in bed. 

Rob had been wonderful, talking to her mother and setting boundaries so diplomatically that Mom did not even grasp his intention.  Rob would ooh and aah over her cooking and baking and between hefty portions would make “small” suggestions.  He would say things like, “One of the things I’ve learned about Celia, being married to her, is…” and state how he would handle a particular situation.  Mom, in her affection for Rob and her desire to remain on his good side (Celia presumed) would generally follow through just as Rob hoped.  This made Celia hope that she, too, might be able to find new ways of handling her.  Eventually. 

Celia sighed and dragged herself out of bed.  Out of gratitude for Rob’s efforts, she decided to deal with her mother today.  She tied on her bathrobe and opened the bedroom door tentatively.  Mom sat on the sofa with a morning news program on, muted.  Her glasses were low on her nose as she looked at a list she was making.

“Checking it twice?” Celia said, hoping to keep it light.

“Well, it looks like Catherine is selling my house, and Rob is looking at new houses for us – I’m not even sure what’s left for me to do!” she said.  “Help you, I guess.” 

“Well, what’s on your list?” Celia said as she sat down, biting her tongue from reminding her mother that she needed to pack up her house to move, have a yard sale, find a permanent job – Celia could think of a million things that would be infinitely more helpful than actually “helping” her. 

“We need to get your nursery ready,” Mom said.  “When will you find out if it’s a girl or a boy?  I’m thinking greens and yellows in any case”—

“Mom,” Celia said.  “We need to talk.”

What does Celia say next?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Motherhood Mania

Previous episode
Rob, Celia, and her mother shared a brief honeymoon period around the idea of partnering together to buy a house in Columbus. 

Current episode
Rob still believed they had stumbled together into a good idea over the long term.  Meanwhile he was not sure if he would survive the short term.  Rob admitted that he had never understood just why Celia’s relationship with her mother was so fraught with drama, all the time, because Rob had always gotten along with her just fine.  The longer Mom lived with them in their small apartment, though, the more he empathized with Celia and the life she had lived with Mary Gillespie as her mother.

He had come home from his second shift as a Starbucks part-timer, hoping to be greeted with a quiet ham sandwich, but instead he arrived to an argument he could hear clearly even in the hallway thirty feet from the front door. 

Rob flooded with multiple streams of panic and he resisted running back to his car; he worried about Celia being pregnant and stressed, and he feared that the living together ideas was a huge mistake – perhaps he should have let Celia’s initial fears drive their decision making after all.  “You can’t stay here, Mom,” might have felt cold and unkind but at least it would have been clean.  Rob had never liked messy; he even had vivid childhood memories of sitting in a booster seat at the table shrieking to have his sticky hands wiped off. 

He sighed to face what he had signed up for and opened the front door.  Celia sat on the sofa with her head in her hands while her mother stood a few feet away with her arm in the air as if she had been gesturing something.  Both looked up as Rob entered the living room. 

“Robbie, thank God you’re home,” Mom said.  “Celia won’t listen to me about taking care of herself.  She needs to be eating for two but she insists she’s not hungry.  I brought home cookie cutters and sugar cookie mix – would it kill her to eat a couple of them?  They’re just going to go to waste now.” 

He looked at Celia and saw not his pregnant adult wife but a young child in whose eyes were despair and helplessness.  He had never understood so clearly as in that moment why physical distance had been Celia’s preferred method of dealing with her mother. 

Rob dropped his things and, ignoring his mother-in-law, went straight to Celia and sat next to her. 

“Mom, those cookies smell great and I’m going eat half of them myself in a minute,” he said as he put his arm around his wife.  “It’s OK if Celia doesn’t want any.  Her doctor said she should eat what she wants, when she wants.” 

Rob had no idea what the doctor had said on this point but he groped for the most local authority he could invoke.  “And they won’t go to waste.  I’ll take them to work tomorrow.”

“I’ll put another layer of colored sugar on them right now and pack them up,” Mom said.  At least she could be redirected easily.  “Glass of milk, Robbie?” she added as she disappeared into the kitchen. 

“Sounds great,” he called after her. 

Celia stood up.  “I don’t think I can do it,” she said in an angry whisper.  “How am I ever going to take care of our baby with her telling me what to do every minute?”

How does Rob respond?

Monday, December 05, 2011

Embracing a new normal

Previous episode
Rob and Celia pitched an idea to her mother:  sell your house and move to Columbus with us.  We’ll partner in buying a house.

Current episode
Celia’s mother barely seemed to be the same person, so happy was she about their idea.  The personality shift was nearly a one-eighty.  Instead of denial, she stood firmly on the ground and engaged the reality of her situation.  Instead of negativity, hope and optimism allowed for genuine participation.  Celia dared to hope that the lifelong depressive who had raised her might, for once, enjoy her own life.  She was surprised, though, that this did not feel like pressure; instead the energy they had put into the old boundaries had been freed to flourish in this new direction. 

Celia knew this was a honeymoon phase and that the process would not be easy. Thankfully, Celia’s sick-and-tired first trimester of pregnancy had passed.  Between Rob’s real job and his part-time Starbucks job, and Mom’s William-Sonoma holiday help job, many of the real tasks of the transition fell to Celia.  She embraced them.  First, she broke news of the plan to her older sister Catherine, who still lived with Mom, via phone.  Obviously, this would impact her.

To Celia’s surprise, Catherine broke down in tears – of relief.

“I can get on with my own life now,” Catherine said.  “I’m going to apply to grad school!”  Catherine further offered to be the boots-on-the-ground in terms of selling the house in Canton and would start by contacting real estate agents.  Cleaning out and packing up the house would be a job, but the sisters agreed to start this task between Christmas and New Year’s, when Celia would be on vacation from teaching. 

Next, Celia addressed the real issue of how she, Rob, and her mother would co-exist in a small one-bedroom apartment for the next few months.  She cleaned out the coat closet in the living room entirely, moving its contents into the bedroom, to create a contained space for her mother’s belongings.  She put a laundry basket on the floor for the bedding and pillow her mother used on the sofa, and put clothes hangers on a shopping list.

By accepting the new normal rather than continuing to fight the old one, Celia found that she actually had more control over the situation than less.  A vague memory from a martial arts class she had taken as a child floated back to her, about moving with energy rather than against it… she had been fighting to separate from her mother for years, and now, with Rob’s help, she had accomplished this by embracing the relationship. 

Her gratitude toward her husband welled up.  She narrated every point in her life that had led her to Ohio State and the fencing class, of all things, in which she and Rob had met one another. 

What happens next?

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Reality Hits Home (Joanne’s comment)

I like Rob’s thinking.  We could spend our lives waiting for the people we love to grow and change into the people we want them to be.  Some of them are never going to—why not figure out how to embrace them anyway?  Of course, I’m not talking about genuinely abusive people—we should not “embrace” and therefore enable those who hurt us.  But most of us have relationships with some middle-of-the-road dysfunctional family members that would benefit from a savvy combination of flexible boundaries and creative thinking.  Celia’s mother doesn’t have any problems that a good dose of life purpose won’t solve, and a job and grandchild in another city could provide that.  Today’s economy means that building a financial future requires thinking differently than in past generations.  Multi-generational living is making a resurgence—why not be intentional about it in order to make it win-win?  I hope Celia and her mother like his idea.  Even if they don’t act on it, just discussing it might facilitate new ways of communicating. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Reality hits home

Previous episode

Celia’s mother took a holiday job in Columbus and expects to stay with Rob and Celia while she works it. 

Current episode
None of Celia’s panicked, verbalized reactions to her mother’s news—that they did not have room in their small apartment, that the job was temporary anyway – had any impact on her.  Not that reason ever impacted Celia’s mother, but it had been the place to start…

Short of defending their threshold at gunpoint, their only option was to receive Mom.  Or so Celia had thought; consequently she capitulated to the emotional blackmail of her own fears.  As threatened, Mom showed up the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving, attended training for her retail job on Wednesday, and started work for Black Friday. 

So Rob watched as Celia, still tired and sick in her first trimester of pregnancy, lost out on the holiday week’s rest to the stress of her mother living with them again.  He had been ready to refuse his mother-in-law’s plan, but Celia’s worry that Mom would tip back into depression if they did not support her gave him pause.  So for now they were stuck.

“You need a new strategy,” his office mate Lucy told him as he unloaded the story the Monday after Thanksgiving.  Lucy had a large extended family with which she seemed to balance genuine care and affection with actual boundaries.  Lucy did what she could and said “no” when she couldn’t. 

“What do you suggest?” Rob said. 

Lucy had told him what she thought, which he shared with Celia that night in bed.

“Let’s help her move here,” Rob said.  “Whether she keeps this job after Christmas or not, she’ll do a lot better job-wise and mood-wise here than in rural Canton.” 

“She still can’t afford to be on her own,” Celia said.  “Getting the house free and clear after the divorce was the only thing that made survival possible for her on her income.”

“Lucy had an idea,” Rob said, speaking quietly and calmly to counter Celia’s anxiety.  “We could buy a place – partner with your mother, basically.  Her down payment from selling the house and our – yours and mine—combined income making the payments.  We’d get a place that has a guest house or separate apartment or something.  Mom gets taken care of, you get help with the baby, the baby gets its own room, and we could begin to build some
equity.  We would buy your mom out someday.”

Celia looked like she had never heard anything so crazy.

“Look, do you really believe your mother is ever going to change?” he said.  “Let’s adapt to living with the mother you have, instead of hoping a whole new person shows up someday.  Lucy’s really good at this.  Maybe we need to be, too.”

“You make it seem so obvious,” Celia said.  “You would really do this?”

“Of course I would.  I wouldn’t suggest it otherwise.”

What happens next?

Monday, November 21, 2011

Ever wonder if mother really knows best?

Previous episode
Celia’s mother, who had been on an extended “visit,” moved out on schedule per Rob’s request. 

Current episode
This Thanksgiving, Celia’s first gratitude was that she worked for a school district that provided the whole holiday week as vacation.  Even though she was approaching the end of her first trimester of pregnancy, the fatigue remained overwhelming.  She hoped she might get ahead of it, somehow, with a week of rest.  She started with a delicious sleeping-in, and now, awakening slowly in her warm bed, she counted her blessings.

Her second gratitude:  She and Rob would observe Thanksgiving in their apartment, alone.  They had chosen to remain in town so that Rob could grab extra holiday shifts at his part time Starbucks job while on vacation from his other job.  Celia wished Rob did not still work the second job, but what had started as a way to close their income gap when Celia was underemployed now provided extra cash to stash for their unplanned bundle of joy.  Celia knew Rob would sleep better for the next eighteen years if they had even a small college account invested now. 

Her third gratitude contributed to the second.  Her mother was gone and seemed intent on finding another job, having been laid off from her previous one.  Celia prayed she would find one before falling into discouragement and depression as was her custom; when that happened getting her back on her feet fell to Celia and her sister Catherine, who lived with their mother. 

Celia’s phone rang and she saw that her mother was calling.  She considered ignoring it, but decided that at this rested and thankful moment she could tolerate whatever Mom had to offer.

“Celia!  I got a job,” Mom said as soon as Celia said hello. 

As relieved as she was, Celia was also surprised it had happened so soon – Mom lived in a rural area and jobs were scarce now anyway.

“Mom, that’s fantastic,” Celia said.  “Where?”

“Holiday help at Williams-Sonoma,” she said.  Celia could not imagine that an upscale store like that had a branch near where Mom lived.  Mom must have sensed her emerging confusion because she continued:  “At the mall near you and Rob.  I applied last week before I left and they called me today.  I have a day of training on Wednesday to start on Black Friday.”

Mom continued to chatter about the job as Celia’s grateful heart sunk into her sickly stomach. 

“Mom, where are you going to live?” Celia interrupted.

“Well I thought I would drive back up to Columbus tomorrow”—

“And stay WHERE?” 

“With you and Robbie, of course,” she said.  “But just for the holidays.  Once they offer me a permanent job after Christmas I’ll get my own place.” 

Celia almost fainted at her mother’s multiple, dysfunctional layers of assumption and naïveté. 

What does Celia say?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Time to leave?

Previous episode
Rob had suggested to Celia’s mother that there might be a receptionist job opening, in the company where he works, in the coming months.  Celia was horrified, fearing her mother would consider this a sure thing, an excuse to neglect looking for anything else. 

Current episode
Rob considered lying to his mother-in-law. 

Celia had asked him to rescind his offer to help her mother get a receptionist job at his company.  He regretted that he let his desire to be helpful undermine thinking strategically about the situation.  Then again, Celia had asked him to handle it and he had been firm that she would need to leave by this weekend—

First thing upon arriving at work this morning, Rob double-checked with the woman who was retiring at the end of the year about her retirement date, hoping that for some bizarre reason she had extended her retirement by, say, a year or so.  No such luck. 

But he could tell his mother-in-law that anyway…
He dialed her number, wanting to make the call before his cubicle-mate Lucy arrived at work.  He would make it up as he went along, although he had to admit that Celia was much better at that than he. 

“Good morning, Robbie,” she answered.  “Broiled salmon for dinner tonight?”

“Sure,” he said.  “I love salmon.” 

“You and I love salmon,” she said, being strangely intimate over their shared food tastes.  “But the odor might upset Celia – so sensitive, being pregnant and all”—

“Mom,” Rob jumped in, his stomach churning.  “You know, I was thinking.  I would rather that you don’t apply for the job here.  I don’t think it would be a good idea for you and I to work together.  Might get kind of awkward”—

“You know, I was thinking the same thing,” she said, and Rob almost died of relief.  “Besides, I need a job before the end of the year.  But you gave me a great idea.  There are a lot more jobs here in Columbus than at home, so I thought I’d focus my job hunt here.  That way I can still be nearby when the baby’s born.” 

And live where, he thought.  Celia’s mother was good at ideas but not so good at the details, such as where would she live in Columbus and what would she do with the house she has?  She was not thinking of living with them, of course, but since she was probably not thinking about where she would live at all she would likely end up on their doorstep, at least temporarily.

“Hmm.  Interesting,” Rob said, buying time in the moment and imagining sharing this one with Celia.  At least her mother was showing initiative. 

What happens next? 

Monday, November 07, 2011

Did I Say That?

Previous episode

Celia and Rob have just learned that Celia’s mom showed up to “help” during the early stages of Celia’s pregnancy because she was laid off from her job.  At Celia’s request, Rob has inquired about what her plans are, since she has been divorced from Celia’s father for years. 

Current episode

“So I said, ‘The best thing you can do for Celia and me is to put yourself first.’” Rob was explaining the conversation to Celia later as they lay in bed. 

“And?”  While Celia loved her mother and appreciated her support, the fact was Mom inclined toward depression and neediness.  Celia was certain that “helping” them was a way to put off having to deal with her own life. 

“She said, “A mother never puts herself before her children!’”

“Ugh!” Celia said, quietly, so Mom would not hear the conversation from the living room sofa where she slept.  “She’s in denial.  So what did you say then?”

“I told her that we were adults and that while we appreciated her being here, she needs to take care of herself so we don’t have to worry about her.”

“Yikes.  So what did she say then?”

“She started the song and dance about us needing her more than any old job needs her.  So I said she needs to leave by the weekend, because worrying about her is too hard on us.” 

“What!” Celia almost shouted, sitting up and turning on the light.  Neither she nor her sister Catherine, who still lived with their mother, had ever been able to be so direct. “How did she take that?”

“I think she was a little mad, and a little disappointed, and a lot uninterested in going home and looking for a job.  But I also think you were right about why she’s here.  She really does need to get her own life on track.”

Celia threw her arms around Rob.  “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  Celia pulled back from the hug.  “You’re wonderful.  The son she never had.” 

“I like your mom.  I told her if she can’t find work near home, to talk to me.  Our current receptionist is going to retire soon and we might need another mother figure to run the front office for us.”

Celia was horrified.  “You didn’t.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Rob asked.

“Now she has a reason NOT to look for a job at home!  In her mind you just offered her a sure thing!”

Rob’s face fell, registering that he had not thought of that. 

What happens next?

Monday, October 31, 2011

Having the hard conversations with the in-laws

Previous episode
Celia’s mother “dropped in” on Rob and Celia to “help” while Celia is sick and pregnant.  While this has been stressful for Celia, Rob has appreciated the support. 

Current episode
Rob had an hour to change clothes from his office job, eat, get dressed and report to Starbucks to do a closing shift.  He was settling into this new 2-job schedule.  Now, with three paychecks between him and Celia, Rob had stashed more money away in this last month than he had dreamed was possible.  They had been living cheap, and now they could use their surplus to build up their savings, accelerate the payments on Celia’s car and student loans, and even save up for retirement contributions.  These were things that Rob needed to do to feel like a man.  It was worth it to be a little tired. 

He had to admit, though, that having Celia’s mother around to fly support made all the difference.  Not only did her cooking mean that neither he nor Celia had to, the little things like having a lunch packed and a shirt ironed for work meant that he could rest and recover nearly every moment that he was not working one of his two jobs. 

His apartment was filled with wonderful food scents when he walked in – right, the steak and baked potato he had been promised.  He could hear his mother-in-law in the kitchen.  Celia, as had been her routine for the last couple of weeks, would be in bed, recovering from her workday and fighting the nausea of pregnancy.  He headed to the bedroom first.
There, he found Celia exactly as he had expected.  She sat up immediately and gestured to him to close the bedroom door, which he did. 

“Mom was laid off from her job,” she said without any introduction or even greeting.  “That’s why she just showed up here,  so she can live our lives and put off having to deal with hers again.  She won’t talk to me about it so you have to.” 

“Talk about it how?” he asked.

“Just find out if she has a plan, and if not, TELL HER TO GET ONE!”  Celia looked slightly crazed, but then she really had not been herself, as tired and sick as she had been for the last couple of weeks. 

Rob sighed and sat on the bed next to Celia.  Previously he might have coached her on how to handle this herself, because although he liked his mother-in-law he did not like being between her and Celia.  But it seemed more to the point to protect Celia from the stress right now.

“All right.  I’ll take care of it,” Rob said.

Celia almost wept with relief as she hugged him.  “Thank you.  Thank you,” she said. 

Rob walked toward the kitchen, having no idea how he would take care of it… 

“Robbie!”  His mother-in-law hugged him.  “How was your day?  Can I get you a drink?  Dinner’s ready in five”—

“So I hear you were laid off from your job,” Rob said, diving in headfirst.  “What’s your plan?”

Mom obviously did not like his direct approach and turned back to the counter to finish details on the meal.  “I’m just waiting to see what happens next.  I have a month’s severance pay that I thought I’d use to help you and Celia”—

“And that’s very generous of you,” Rob said.  “But the best thing you can do for Celia and me is to put yourself first.”

How does Celia’s mother respond?