Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Reality hits home

Previous episode

Celia’s mother took a holiday job in Columbus and expects to stay with Rob and Celia while she works it. 

Current episode
None of Celia’s panicked, verbalized reactions to her mother’s news—that they did not have room in their small apartment, that the job was temporary anyway – had any impact on her.  Not that reason ever impacted Celia’s mother, but it had been the place to start…

Short of defending their threshold at gunpoint, their only option was to receive Mom.  Or so Celia had thought; consequently she capitulated to the emotional blackmail of her own fears.  As threatened, Mom showed up the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving, attended training for her retail job on Wednesday, and started work for Black Friday. 

So Rob watched as Celia, still tired and sick in her first trimester of pregnancy, lost out on the holiday week’s rest to the stress of her mother living with them again.  He had been ready to refuse his mother-in-law’s plan, but Celia’s worry that Mom would tip back into depression if they did not support her gave him pause.  So for now they were stuck.

“You need a new strategy,” his office mate Lucy told him as he unloaded the story the Monday after Thanksgiving.  Lucy had a large extended family with which she seemed to balance genuine care and affection with actual boundaries.  Lucy did what she could and said “no” when she couldn’t. 

“What do you suggest?” Rob said. 

Lucy had told him what she thought, which he shared with Celia that night in bed.

“Let’s help her move here,” Rob said.  “Whether she keeps this job after Christmas or not, she’ll do a lot better job-wise and mood-wise here than in rural Canton.” 

“She still can’t afford to be on her own,” Celia said.  “Getting the house free and clear after the divorce was the only thing that made survival possible for her on her income.”

“Lucy had an idea,” Rob said, speaking quietly and calmly to counter Celia’s anxiety.  “We could buy a place – partner with your mother, basically.  Her down payment from selling the house and our – yours and mine—combined income making the payments.  We’d get a place that has a guest house or separate apartment or something.  Mom gets taken care of, you get help with the baby, the baby gets its own room, and we could begin to build some
equity.  We would buy your mom out someday.”

Celia looked like she had never heard anything so crazy.

“Look, do you really believe your mother is ever going to change?” he said.  “Let’s adapt to living with the mother you have, instead of hoping a whole new person shows up someday.  Lucy’s really good at this.  Maybe we need to be, too.”

“You make it seem so obvious,” Celia said.  “You would really do this?”

“Of course I would.  I wouldn’t suggest it otherwise.”

What happens next?