Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, December 05, 2011

Embracing a new normal

Previous episode
Rob and Celia pitched an idea to her mother:  sell your house and move to Columbus with us.  We’ll partner in buying a house.

Current episode
Celia’s mother barely seemed to be the same person, so happy was she about their idea.  The personality shift was nearly a one-eighty.  Instead of denial, she stood firmly on the ground and engaged the reality of her situation.  Instead of negativity, hope and optimism allowed for genuine participation.  Celia dared to hope that the lifelong depressive who had raised her might, for once, enjoy her own life.  She was surprised, though, that this did not feel like pressure; instead the energy they had put into the old boundaries had been freed to flourish in this new direction. 

Celia knew this was a honeymoon phase and that the process would not be easy. Thankfully, Celia’s sick-and-tired first trimester of pregnancy had passed.  Between Rob’s real job and his part-time Starbucks job, and Mom’s William-Sonoma holiday help job, many of the real tasks of the transition fell to Celia.  She embraced them.  First, she broke news of the plan to her older sister Catherine, who still lived with Mom, via phone.  Obviously, this would impact her.

To Celia’s surprise, Catherine broke down in tears – of relief.

“I can get on with my own life now,” Catherine said.  “I’m going to apply to grad school!”  Catherine further offered to be the boots-on-the-ground in terms of selling the house in Canton and would start by contacting real estate agents.  Cleaning out and packing up the house would be a job, but the sisters agreed to start this task between Christmas and New Year’s, when Celia would be on vacation from teaching. 

Next, Celia addressed the real issue of how she, Rob, and her mother would co-exist in a small one-bedroom apartment for the next few months.  She cleaned out the coat closet in the living room entirely, moving its contents into the bedroom, to create a contained space for her mother’s belongings.  She put a laundry basket on the floor for the bedding and pillow her mother used on the sofa, and put clothes hangers on a shopping list.

By accepting the new normal rather than continuing to fight the old one, Celia found that she actually had more control over the situation than less.  A vague memory from a martial arts class she had taken as a child floated back to her, about moving with energy rather than against it… she had been fighting to separate from her mother for years, and now, with Rob’s help, she had accomplished this by embracing the relationship. 

Her gratitude toward her husband welled up.  She narrated every point in her life that had led her to Ohio State and the fencing class, of all things, in which she and Rob had met one another. 

What happens next?