Friday, July 01, 2011

Making love not war (Harold’s response)

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were in a conflictual situation. We just didn’t see eye to eye on an issue pertaining to one of our children. And, it was emotionally disturbing from which you could feel the relational strain. There was no sense that we didn’t love each other. And, it was clear that we both love our child in the center of the conflict. But, the situation was just taking a toll on our feeling of closeness.

In the midst of this conflict, I took a somewhat vulnerable position with my wife by asking to make love. Why? Because for us, the act of making love isn’t just about sex (the physical). It is also about emotional and spiritual connection. While I certainly enjoy the physical aspect of it, at this point in the conflict I needed the spiritual and emotional connection.

Sometimes, we husbands have a bad (well-earned) reputation for being most interested in the physical aspect of love-making. I would suggest, however, that if we can see sex as a spiritual-emotional bridge that our love-making will be enriched and our sense of unity will be enhanced. This will help us to stand as a unified front when Satan is trying to use those darts to place a wedge between you and your spouse. Let’s learn to make love with our spouse and war with Satan.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Making love not war

Previous episode
Rob’s fascination with his office mate Lucy and her boyfriend Rocco has unearthed the same old issues in his marriage to Celia.  As a result they are standing at a crucial marital crossroads, having acknowledged the resentment each feels toward the other:  Rob about Celia’s failure of will in terms of earning money and Celia about Rob’s inability to understand that teaching music is not just a job, but a call. 

Current episode
Celia stood in the kitchen facing Rob.  Tears rolled down her cheeks but there were no sobs attached to them, as if they flowed of their own volition.  The words they had just exchanged were horrible and painful.  Celia sensed, though, that because they were words of truth and not of accusation, they had catapulted their marriage onto a new level, which was strange and uncomfortable but might also be positive—if they could survive the terror of this moment. 

Tears are good, she thought, because they are cleansing and honest and it is hard to lie to yourself when you are crying.  Celia hated the admiration Rob had for Lucy and Rocco but at this moment her tears convicted her.  Whatever Lucy and Rocco had, it was good, too, and she and Rob could use some of it.  So when she had asked Rob a moment ago “What would Lucy and Rocco do in this situation?” she was genuinely curious, but as the question formed on her lips she also sensed its soothing properties.  She had addressed the issue with neither denial nor distraction.

She had no idea how Rob would answer.

Rob, who had been sitting at the table eating, at some point had stood up.  He was pale, as if scared by the power of his own words spoken moments ago. 

“I don’t know if this happens to Rocco and Lucy,” Rob said.  Celia was disappointed, because the answer was a parry, not real engagement, but he must have sensed that because he continued, “They would make love, immediately.” 

He smirked.  Like Celia, he seemed to be surprised at the words coming out of his own mouth, and he seemed to like them. 

Celia liked them, too.  He was right.  It was time to separate their issues from their genuine love of one another.  They could avoid their resentment daily for the rest of their lives, but eventually it would kill their real love.  Or, they could look resentment in the face, and make love anyway.

It was not a solution to their real problems.  But it might be a new way of being together from which their problems might have a better shot at resolution. 

What does Celia say next?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Handling resentment in marriage

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are missing each other as Celia’s anxieties about her job, Rob’s money worries, and their complicated work relationships dominate their efforts to reconnect. 

Current episode

“Celia, what is going on?” Rob said to his wife’s back, as she stood at the kitchen sink.  He was irritated to no end that Celia was twisting his words and intentions in sharing the conversations he had with Lucy at work.  “Please, sit down and have dinner with me.” 

“I’m sorry it’s not lasagna,” Celia said.  “And I would love to have what Lucy and Rocco have together, except that we don’t take care of each other.  You resent me because I don’t make enough money and I resent you that you don’t understand what teaching music means to me”—

“I think ‘resent’ is a strong word,” Rob said, wanting to be conciliatory, but maybe she was right, maybe they had been in this loop for a long time, smoothing over the surface and appearing to resolve the issue, but it was like it just
kept roiling up from the bottom where they kept the things they were too scared to talk about, because what if they could not be resolved? 

“You’re right,” Celia said.  “Resent is a strong word.”  She was being sarcastic, because her words dripped resentment, and suddenly Rob was aware that Celia’s job was not the problem, and money was not the problem.  The problem was the vortex they were stuck in, wherein the issue would surface regularly but they would ignore it.  The real issue was the fear of talking about the perceived issues, because as long as they refused to try to resolve this impasse they could hope – each one alone – that a solution might appear like manna in the desert without their having to acknowledge it. 

Rob, who did not consider himself a courageous person, decided this had to stop now.  He stood up, his heart pounding and his fingers tingling.  “Actually, you are right, Celia.  I do resent you.  I resent that you’re not me, and that since you can’t earn a decent living doing what you love that you aren’t finding another way to do it.  I wish I didn’t feel that way.  But I do, and I’m sorry.”

Celia, her back still facing Rob, stopped and turned off the spigot.  Typical for Rob, he regretted saying the words the moment they were out of his mouth.  He wanted to take them back but he chose not to, remaining silent.  He knew there was no putting this toothpaste back in its tube. 

Celia turned around slowly.  She was crying. 

“So what would Lucy and Rocco do in this situation?” she said.

How does Rob answer?

Monday, November 08, 2010

A timely touch

Previous episode

Rob and Celia’s already awkward reunion has been further complicated by Rob’s defaulting into talking about his money worries again, to which Celia responded with sarcasm. 

Current episode

Celia turned off the faucet and began to drink her second glass of water.  Drinking from the glass prevented her from throwing the water on Rob; her hands were shaking in anger at his narrow-minded, ridiculous comment.  For a brief moment she feared she could not live with this the rest of her life and fantasized that Rob had stayed at his parents’ house. Then she could just continue living the single working gal life she to which she had become accustomed in recent weeks. 

She set the glass down and looked at Rob.  He had a deer-in-the-headlights look about him that suggested he regretted his stupid comment about the price of Lean Cuisines, but he made no move to apologize.  She was not sure she would receive an apology anyway and she knew for certain that she was not going to apologize for her retort that she should just stop eating at all, to save money. 

The microwave timer went off and Celia removed her dinner to a plate, whisking it to the table where she removed the cellophane cover and began to eat. 

She did not realize she had left her water on the counter until Rob brought it to her.  He sat down opposite her at the table.

Celia had been hungry for hours.  But now that she finally had food before her she could not eat with Rob sitting there silently and this money issue yet again the white elephant in the room, around which she could not glimpse anything she cared about in Rob. 

She set her fork down.  “The thing that really irks me is that not once since I started working in the afterschool program have you asked me how it’s going.  I understood when your father was in the hospital.  I understood when you were setting up a new routine for your parents at home.  I figured eventually you would get around to acting like you were even aware I was doing something new when you no longer had your parents to worry about.”  She took a deep breath.  “Maybe you are genuinely clueless about what I’m doing.  Or maybe you really don’t care. “But to criticize me about money?  Now?”

Celia stood up to leave the room. 

Rob reached for her arm and stood up, too.  “Celia, I’m so sorry,” he said.  “I love you so much and I’m so glad to be home.  I don’t want to fight about money or anything else.”

She might have continued to walk away if not for his touch on her arm, which dispersed most of her anger.  But not all of it.  She stood still, waiting for Rob to continue.

“How is your new job going?  I’m so proud of you.”

Celia burst into tears and fell into his arms. 

What is the next issue that challenges Rob and Celia’s relationship?

Monday, November 01, 2010

When dinner isn’t the only thing heating up

Previous episode

Rob’s surprise homecoming has been disappointing to both Rob and Celia.  After a brief lovemaking session followed by an argument about the fact that she had to leave again, Celia went to give a piano lesson, leaving Rob home alone. 

Current episode

No sooner had Celia left than Rob’s mother called him.  He had not wanted to talk to his mother now, but he still felt slightly guilty about leaving – though he knew he had done nothing wrong – so just in case something was wrong he picked up.

“Hi, Robbie,” his mother had said.  “Just wanted to let you know that Dad had his dinner and his medication, and now he’s watching the baseball game.” 

Unbelievable.  Rob feared he would be in for the Dad Report multiple times a day if he did not do something about it immediately, but he wasn’t sure what to do to stop it.  This was why he left, so Mom would handle it on her own.

“Do you think I should make pancakes for breakfast?” Mom continued.  “Dad’s supposed to start taking short walks, and those are his favorite, and since he’s never been big on exercising I thought”—

“Whatever you make is fine, Mom,” Rob had said, with little effort to conceal his irritation at her call but then feeling badly for sounding that way.  “He likes everything you cook,” he added, to soften it. 

Now Rob was watching the baseball game, too.  Alone.  Maybe he should have stayed at his parents’ at least until the World Series was over.  Not that many in Ohio really cared about the outcome this year, but at least he could have watched with his father.  That would have been better than sitting at home, alone, waiting for Celia to come home from her piano lesson.  Rob ruminated.  Celia did not make much more money now than she had before she started working in the afterschool program, but at least they had spent evenings together.  Now it seemed like he would hardly ever see her, and there would still be no extra money. 

Rob looked up when he heard the key in the lock and Celia walked in.  She said hi briefly and headed straight to the kitchen.  Rob could hear her unwrap a frozen dinner and put it in the microwave, and got up to follow her.  She was getting a glass of water from the tap when he walked in. 

She did not say anything but stood at the sink, drinking the glass of water in its entirety.  She must be really thirsty, he thought, wondering what it was about giving a piano lesson that made her so thirsty. 

“Lean Cuisines are really overpriced,” he said.  He had meant to break the ice and this just popped out.  “I mean, wouldn’t it be cheaper to”—

“To not eat at all, Rob?” Celia said, refilling her glass.  “That’s a great plan.  Since I don’t make as much as you, I’ll make up for it by not eating.  Just imagine how much we’d save in a year.”

What happens next?

Friday, September 03, 2010

Taking charge (Harold’s response)

Joanne makes an excellent point about “differentiation”. Quoting her therapeutic wisdom “In times of crisis it is easy to believe that the situation we are in right now defines every aspect of our being for the remainder of our entire lives, and we therefore react wildly out of proportion to circumstances, beginning a pinball-machine-like chain of overreaction”. I would like us to personalize this a bit. When was the last time you overreacted in a way that harmed your marriage?

We typically react because we feel that our person, ideology, and/or desire is threatened. Some of us get very defensive. Others of us take the offensive, figuring that is the best defense. The goal, of course, is to restore our sense of rightness. But, what is your growth as a person requires that you re-examine your sense of rightness. What if your sense of rightness is what is holding you back. How can we train ourselves to be less concerned about being right and more concerned about growing right—according to God’s purpose that it.

Now, back to Joanne’s point. The difficult situation that you might be in right now probably feels like a weighty crisis. But, if we can cast our cares upon the Lord. And, if we can trust that we will be safe in Him then we can quell the emotional escalation that feeds that anxiety monster. And, that my friend is when we are truly taking charge.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The real cost of fighting (Harold’s response)

I like to think of communication as having two dimensions—content and relationship. Content consists of the facts of what is being communicated. Relationship is the value to which you esteem the person to whom you’re communicating. Both of these elements are vital in all communication, especially in intimate relationships. Through our verbal and non-verbal behavior we are leaving a message.

I often use restaurant language to explain this dynamic. Content is like the meal—the apetizer, entree, and dessert. Relationship is like the ambience—the setting, the context. It is difficult to have an enjoyable meal with bad ambience. And, a great ambience is for naught if the food is terrible. In other words, you need both the meal (content) and the ambience (relationship) to have an ideal experience.

Rob has created poor ambience for this important discussion in dismissing Celia’s feelings. He has allowed his worry over finances to distract his focus on the relationship aspect. He has yet to realize that the financial aspects of their marriage will never be resolved in a content-laden narrative. Rob isn’t alone. We all fall prey to this trap. Until we refocus on creating a better ambience we will continue to struggle with the content. And, of course we open the door to allow someone else to set the ambience that creates sparks in our spouse’s eye.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Real Cost of Fighting

Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him.  She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music. 

Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon.  “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—

“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove.  There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—

He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way. 

“Is money all you think about?” she said.  “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”

“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said.  “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”

“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.

This had never happened before.  In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other.  Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer. 

He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office.  “Early lunch,” he said, and took off. 

Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity.  He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would.  But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure.  But he needed to see Celia now.

She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot.  As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.

What does Rob find when he walks in?

The Real Cost of Fighting

Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him.  She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music. 

Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon.  “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—

“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove.  There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—

He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way. 

“Is money all you think about?” she said.  “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”

“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said.  “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”

“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.

This had never happened before.  In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other.  Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer. 

He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office.  “Early lunch,” he said, and took off. 

Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity.  He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would.  But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure.  But he needed to see Celia now.

She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot.  As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.

What does Rob find when he walks in?

Friday, April 02, 2010

The Communication Dead Zone (Harold’s response)

Last weekend Dalia and I conducted a marriage workshop which we really enjoyed. It is inevitable, however, in such workshops that you will encounter many couples who lament the lack of communication in their marriage. After all, it is the number one marital complaint. What couples mean when they say “lack of communication” though is misleading. They are actually doing a lot of communicating. Their non-verbals, which account for 85% of their interaction, are silently screaming their frustration with the relationship. The 15% of verbalization that is taking place is often laced with sarcasm, anxiety, and anger. There is certainly no lack of communication.

Of course what couples mean when they say “lack of communication” is the issue is that their is no listening. They don’t say that. But, that is what they mean. They don’t really hear each other at all. They don’t hear the verbals or the non-verbals—particularly around difficult topics. What they hear, if anything, are muffled sounds—-much like the “blah blah blah” that Rob heard in this week’s episode.

This is what I call the “communication dead zone.” Nothing good happens there. In cell phone language, “there is no signal.” Nothing is going on. So, what is a couple to do?

Well, the first thing is to remember. “Remember what?”, you might ask. Remember that the same grace that God (and other people) have extended towards you is what you need to give to your spouse. The second thing that you need to do is remember. Remember that you used to hang on every word that your spouse said at the height of your romance. The third thing that you need to do (you know where I’m going with this don’t you?) is remember. You need to remember that your spouse will hear you when he or she feels heard by you. The final thing you need to remember is that you need to take the first step by forgiving the past and vowing for something new.

In this week’s episode, I’m asking Rob and Celia to remember and when they do they’ll exit this communication dead zone quickly. And, that my friend is the lesson for all of us married folk.