Monday, June 13, 2011

Knowing when your marriage is on thin ice

Previous episode
Celia’s job ends soon and then she’s back to relying entirely on private piano lessons and the stipend she receives from the church for directing the choir for her income.  Neither Rob nor Celia is happy with this and they are having trouble talking about it.

Current episode
Celia felt terrible as she sat with Rob, watching him eat the casserole she had cooked for him.  She did not have any appetite.

All she could think about was Paul, the seminary intern who ran the afterschool program she taught music in.  She admired him and had learned so much from him about how work and ministry are related.  When she had burst into tears of frustration at her job situation today, he had offered a simple, comforting hug that should have felt benign.  But they been alone in the old parsonage Paul had adapted for the afterschool program, and Celia wished for the hug to linger longer than it had, because Paul inspired her and understood that she had a call to teach music.  Rob did not.

And yet, here she was at dinner with Rob, her husband, jealous at the conversations he had today with his colleague Lucy about her relationship with her boyfriend Rocco.  How ridiculous could she be?  Rob had never before shown interest in the rudiments of lasagna-making, but apparently when Lucy talked about it, it was fascinating. 

“Lucy and Rocco have this really cool relationship where they take care of each other,” Rob was saying.  “So she cooks things he likes and he washes and fixes her car, and they watch sports together…”

“You know I don’t like sports,” Celia said.

Rob sighed.  “I know that.  I was talking about Lucy.”

Yes, that’s the problem, Celia wanted to say, but she didn’t. 

“So why don’t Lucy and Rocco get married?” Celia said, picking up her fork and beginning to eat.

“They seem to have a pretty good deal the way it’s set up right now,” Rob said.

And so would I, Celia thought, if we weren’t married.  I could find someone who understands and values what I am trying to do with kids and music, and doesn’t worry about money all the time.

“I like the way they are together,” Rob said.  “I wish we had something like that.”

“Well, I’m sorry we don’t,” Celia said, standing up and taking her plate to the sink.  She dumped the whole uneaten meal into the sink and began to wash it down the garbage disposal.

What happens next?

Friday, July 23, 2010

I’m glad that you’re here (Harold’s response)

I love this phrase for married couples, "I'm glad that you're here." On the surface, it sounds pretty simplistic, doesn't it? So, why do I think it is so profound? It conveys appreciation--gratefulness for what you have. It conveys value--realization that the person has value and views your relationship as valuable. It conveys choice--suggesting that when presented with an option to be absent or present the person chooses you. Think about that--appreciation, value, and choice. These are the elements of all trusting relationships. We all have to keep monitoring our own marriages along each of these dimensions so that we do not take what we have for granted.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I’m glad that you’re here

Previous episode
Rob and Celia are driving to Cleveland, having heard an hour before that his father has had a heart attack.  Rob was emotionally flooded following the news, so Celia took the lead and made the decision to drive across state immediately. 

Current episode
“OK.  We’ll be there as soon as we can… love you too.”  Rob disconnected the call from his mother.  “Dad’s in surgery right now,” he told Celia. “He’s having an angioplasty.”

“Do you know what that is?” Celia asked from the driver’s seat. 

“No idea,” Rob said.  “None.  No effing idea whatsoever.”  Rob had pulled it together sufficiently after the initial news to eat, shower, pack a few items and begin to get his mind around the facts of his new world:  that at least for the short term Dad was no longer in charge.  More than anything, this was the piece that hit him the hardest. 

The strange thing, though, is that Rob did not know he had relied on this.  Rob had graduated from college two years ago and had begun his new job and found an apartment almost immediately; he had not actually lived at home since the summer following his freshman year at Ohio State.  He was married, for heaven’s sake.  But for the moment, the demographic accoutrements of adulthood were meaningless.  Wife, job, and age aside, he felt like an orphan. 

“Celia,” he said, still looking out the window.  “I needed your help this morning.  I was kind of stuck.  Thank you.”

Celia briefly reached over and touched his leg to acknowledge his comment.  Then she put her hand back on the wheel.  Rob smiled, because he knew Celia did not like driving with one hand.  They could never hold hands when she drove. 

“I’m glad I rose to the occasion,” she said.  “For once.” 

Rob realized he was still a little overwhelmed by everything, because what Celia said felt like something that deserved a response, yet he was not sure what do to with it.  She was being strong and self-deprecating at the same time.  How to begin to respond? 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said, which was true and all encompassing for the moment.  He might still be nude and immobilized sitting on the side of the bed without Celia’s intervention. 

Whatever they might find at the hospital in Cleveland, Rob took comfort that they would face it together.

What do they find at the hospital in Cleveland?

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Finding your own “I need to change” moment (Harold’s response)

Change is hard! It is especially hard when you think that your way is the “right” way. So, why change? Simply put, change is necessary to reach your destiny. The reality is that neither you nor I were born perfectly positioned for purpose (there’s an alliteration for you). We all fall far short of that. But, God puts things in our path to shape us into our divine purpose—if we allow it to happen. So often, however, we stunt God’s desires for our lives because we don’t want to change. We scream, scratch, and claw to keep doing things the way we’re accustomed to doing them. It feels safer.  Achieving your dreams, however, requires risks. Change is risky because it demands more of us.

The greatest gift of marriage is the change that it demands of you. I know. It doesn’t usually feel like a gift. Words like “annoying”, “sickening”, and “frustrating” are more often associated with the attitudinal and behavioral shifts to which our spouses often push us.

In this week’s episode, Rob discovers that moving his marriage in a positive direction is going to require something new from him-particularly as it relates to dealing with Celia and budgeting. His natural penchant to prioritize financial matters has tainted his perspective on his marriage. He seems to be thinking in the right way as he has shifted his expectation from seeing what is wrong with Celia to assessing his own need to change. Kudos to you Rob. Celia, it’s your turn. Honestly, it’s my turn too. How about you?

Monday, May 31, 2010

Finding your own “I need to change” moment

Previous episode

Rob left work to find Celia at the church after she hung up on him.  They are alone in the church parking lot.

Current episode

“You hung up on me,” Rob started, and though his words were accusatory his voice was soft and he sounded hurt. 

Celia’s heart was still racing from the surprise of Rob showing up at all, and she had trouble shifting gears from thinking about teaching music to kids as a church outreach to talking to Rob about – money.  Celia did not think she could handle another fight about money or her meager income. 

“This may be a shock to you, but money is not the most important thing to me,” he said. 

Celia heard the word “money” and became nauseous.  More slowly, the real content of what Rob said trickled down and soothed her stomach and mind.  She took a deep breath and reminded herself of facts:  she was married to Rob, she loved Rob, and he appeared to be trying to mend their recent rift.  Either time had slowed or she was slow, though she had caught up with herself to some degree – at least she was no longer inside the parsonage with Paul. 

As her heart caught up to the parking lot with Rob, Celia began to cry. “So what is the most important thing to you?” she said, fumbling in her purse for a tissue.  “Because it sure seems like it’s money.” 

“No.  It’s you.”  Rob stepped forward to hug Celia, but she resisted.  Rob took her hand instead while she fumbled to blow her nose with the other.  Again, Rob’s words were taking a long time to sink in.  As they did, she stepped closer to Rob and let him hug her. 

“I can re-do our budget,” he continued.  “I was expecting you to change to fit my budget, but I need to change the budget to fit you.  You need to be able to start this new afterschool program.”  Rob’s words, and his arms, felt good, but still Celia resented that he acted like it was all his responsibility.

“Do you really have a budget?  Like a real, written-down budget?” Celia said, sniffing. 

“Yes, I really do,” Rob said, backing away to look at her. 

Celia laughed, thinking that of course he does, but then she paused.  “I want to do this afterschool program.”  She blew her nose one more time.  “But I’d like to see our budget, too.  I understand that I need hold up my end of the deal, but please don’t tell me what that needs to be.  Let me help decide.” 

Rob nodded and leaned in to kiss her.  “OK.  I will do that, to show you that you and what you are good at”—he gestured to the parsonage – “are more important than anything.”  Rob opened Celia’s car door for her.  “And now I need to take you to lunch, to show Paul what kind of husband I am.” 

“Can we afford it?” Celia asked, joking. 

What happens next?

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Real Cost of Fighting

Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him.  She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music. 

Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon.  “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—

“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove.  There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—

He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way. 

“Is money all you think about?” she said.  “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”

“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said.  “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”

“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.

This had never happened before.  In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other.  Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer. 

He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office.  “Early lunch,” he said, and took off. 

Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity.  He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would.  But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure.  But he needed to see Celia now.

She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot.  As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.

What does Rob find when he walks in?

The Real Cost of Fighting

Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him.  She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music. 

Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon.  “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—

“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove.  There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—

He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way. 

“Is money all you think about?” she said.  “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”

“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said.  “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”

“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.

This had never happened before.  In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other.  Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer. 

He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office.  “Early lunch,” he said, and took off. 

Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity.  He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would.  But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure.  But he needed to see Celia now.

She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot.  As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.

What does Rob find when he walks in?

Friday, May 14, 2010

When the balance sheet disrupts the marital balance (Harold’s response)

I enjoyed reading the link that Joanne posted about commitment in marriage. Whether anecdotal or based on experimental evidence, we have come to learn that commitment is the foundation of healthy relationships. I love this quote in the article by the researcher Dr. Lydon, “the more committed you are, the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship.”
We all have a responsibility to protect our marriages. Yet, too often, we flirt with danger. The hug that lasts a little too long. The temptation to share feelings with the coworker of the opposite sex that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your spouse. Or, maybe the business trip dinner that felt a little inappropriate.

All of these situations present opportunities for small fissures to develop in the relationship. If entertained, these fissures spread to the point where emotional and sometimes physical infidelity occurs. This threat is particularly real when there is strain on the marriage.

Rob and Celia are facing a number of stressors that can create those cracks in their young marriage. They would do well to keep vigilant attention to their core relationship and to look for ways to align against those stressors.

And, check out the link in Joanne’s post. It’s pretty interesting.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The danger of feeling ignored in marriage (Joanne’s comment)

One of my colleagues is a reader of Martin Buber, the German-Jewish philosopher-theologian who coined the phrase “I—Thou” to describe healthy intimate relationships. In an I—Thou relationship, we are mindful that the people around us have their own feelings, thoughts, and issues which deserve our respect, even if we are hurt by them or disagree with them. Buber contrasts I—Thou with what he calls an “I—It” relationship, in which people become objects around which we play out our own issues—our defensiveness, our anger, our fears, and our fantasies. Relationships move between I—Thou and I—It with some regularity, and the more intimate the nature of the relationship the more “I—Thou” we should seek. Rob and Celia were at risk of degenerating into an I—It relationship indefinitely over this recent debacle. Independent of one another, they chose to be vulnerable; Rob in reaching out and Celia in responding to his overture. They turned toward one another not just physically in bed, but also spiritually and psychologically. I am proud of them and believe their relationship will grow for it.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Recovering from marital lows

Previous episode

Rob and Celia have hit the lowest point of their marriage so far, as neither can remember why they chose to marry the other at all.

Current episode

Celia was cold and tired and dressed for a party, not for walking laps around a junior high school track in the middle of the night.  She was no longer crying and in fact did not care anymore about any of it.  For the moment it seemed wise to just drive back to Rob’s parents’ house, get some sleep, and drive home to Columbus tomorrow morning as planned.  Maybe this would all go away, but if it came up, she would deal with it then.

She glanced over at Rob; he was walking beside her silently, matching her stride.

“Celia,” Rob said.  “I’m sorry I had so much to drink.  Especially when I knew how upset you were about your mom.”  They walked several more yards.  Celia heard the words but they did not sink in, as if her emotional machinery had simply shut down for the night.  So she nodded in acknowledgement that he had spoken, but said nothing.

Suddenly Celia was too tired to walk one more step.  She stopped, turning to look back at Rob’s car parked in the lot next to the track.  They would get back to the car faster if they turned around and retraced their steps on this lap, rather than rounding the loop again.

“Let’s just go,” she said, her voice hoarse from the cold.  As she headed toward the car, she felt Rob take her hand as he turned with her.  Even through her thin knit gloves she could feel that his hand was warm.  Rob’s hands were always warm, even in cold weather.  Celia smiled inwardly.  So were his feet, which was helpful when getting into a cold bed together. 

They crunched over some old snow at the side of the track.  Rob held the chain up so Celia could slide under, then squeezed himself through, taking Celia’s hand again on the other side.

“I’m still not in any shape to drive right now,” Rob said as they approached the car.  “But I’ll drive us home tomorrow.”

Rob was trying, and Celia softened as she sensed it.  She nodded as Rob opened the driver’s side door for her.  She got in and started the car as Rob walked around the front of the car and got in the passenger side.

Celia turned on the interior light as the car idled.  She turned and looked at Rob.  Rob looked back at her and smiled.

What happens next?