Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Having the hard conversations with the in-laws

Previous episode
Celia’s mother “dropped in” on Rob and Celia to “help” while Celia is sick and pregnant.  While this has been stressful for Celia, Rob has appreciated the support. 

Current episode
Rob had an hour to change clothes from his office job, eat, get dressed and report to Starbucks to do a closing shift.  He was settling into this new 2-job schedule.  Now, with three paychecks between him and Celia, Rob had stashed more money away in this last month than he had dreamed was possible.  They had been living cheap, and now they could use their surplus to build up their savings, accelerate the payments on Celia’s car and student loans, and even save up for retirement contributions.  These were things that Rob needed to do to feel like a man.  It was worth it to be a little tired. 

He had to admit, though, that having Celia’s mother around to fly support made all the difference.  Not only did her cooking mean that neither he nor Celia had to, the little things like having a lunch packed and a shirt ironed for work meant that he could rest and recover nearly every moment that he was not working one of his two jobs. 

His apartment was filled with wonderful food scents when he walked in – right, the steak and baked potato he had been promised.  He could hear his mother-in-law in the kitchen.  Celia, as had been her routine for the last couple of weeks, would be in bed, recovering from her workday and fighting the nausea of pregnancy.  He headed to the bedroom first.
There, he found Celia exactly as he had expected.  She sat up immediately and gestured to him to close the bedroom door, which he did. 

“Mom was laid off from her job,” she said without any introduction or even greeting.  “That’s why she just showed up here,  so she can live our lives and put off having to deal with hers again.  She won’t talk to me about it so you have to.” 

“Talk about it how?” he asked.

“Just find out if she has a plan, and if not, TELL HER TO GET ONE!”  Celia looked slightly crazed, but then she really had not been herself, as tired and sick as she had been for the last couple of weeks. 

Rob sighed and sat on the bed next to Celia.  Previously he might have coached her on how to handle this herself, because although he liked his mother-in-law he did not like being between her and Celia.  But it seemed more to the point to protect Celia from the stress right now.

“All right.  I’ll take care of it,” Rob said.

Celia almost wept with relief as she hugged him.  “Thank you.  Thank you,” she said. 

Rob walked toward the kitchen, having no idea how he would take care of it… 

“Robbie!”  His mother-in-law hugged him.  “How was your day?  Can I get you a drink?  Dinner’s ready in five”—

“So I hear you were laid off from your job,” Rob said, diving in headfirst.  “What’s your plan?”

Mom obviously did not like his direct approach and turned back to the counter to finish details on the meal.  “I’m just waiting to see what happens next.  I have a month’s severance pay that I thought I’d use to help you and Celia”—

“And that’s very generous of you,” Rob said.  “But the best thing you can do for Celia and me is to put yourself first.”

How does Celia’s mother respond?

Monday, October 24, 2011

When to talk tough to our adult parents

Previous episode
Celia’s mother is being a little too helpful, having moved in to “take care” of them during the early, sick stages of Celia’s pregnancy since Rob is working two jobs.

Current episode
“OK, so Rob called me and told me I should run my requests and ideas through you,” Celia heard her mother say.  Celia was lying on the bed, recovering from her day of teaching.  She had been working for two weeks now and had finally learned the lay of the land, so to speak:  moving between two different schools over four days of the week, utilizing a dedicated music room at one while rotating between classrooms at the other, and for the most part learning the names of her fellow teachers.

She was also constantly sick from her early, unplanned pregnancy – hence the lying down after school part.  She opened her eyes and looked up at her mother, standing over her.  Far be it for Celia to try to take a nap when her mother had something to say. 

“Well – all right.  I suppose that’s a good idea.” 

“That Rob.  What a great guy,” Mom said.  Celia already knew Rob could do no wrong in her mother’s eyes, but given who Celia’s father was, her bar was pretty low.  Not that Celia didn’t think she had a great husband – but the constant fawning over Rob made it feel like it was Celia’s daughter-hood that was being evaluated, not her father’s husbanding.  “So what would you like for dinner?  Rob wants steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans.  Will that be OK for you?”

“Rob asked you to cook that for him?”

“I gave him options and that’s what he picked.” 

“Well, nothing sounds good right now, but I still need to eat.  So I’m sure it will be fine.”  Celia had not yet asked her mother how long she was staying, aware that she behaved as if she had no say in it.  But Mom tended toward depression and Celia felt too out of it to do better than tiptoe around hard issues.  Her mother did have a job she presumably had to get back to – but who knew how much vacation time she had accrued?

Mom made herself comfortable, sitting on the foot of the bed.  She had already been here a week, and though Rob loved that she provided home cooking sufficient for three meals a day, Celia was feeling crowded out of her own apartment. 

“So how much vacation time do you have, anyway?” Celia said, angling to bring up her leaving without really bringing it up. 

Mom sighed.  “Well – as much as I need – I was laid off three weeks ago.

Celia sat up, stunned.  “What?  That’s not a vacation”—

“See, that’s why I didn’t say anything to you about it,” she said.  “I didn’t want to upset you.” 

“Mom, I’m not upset, but – but – what are you doing about it?  Shouldn’t you be looking for a new job?”

“Not when my daughter is pregnant,” Mom said cheerfully as she stood up.  “You get your rest now, and leave taking care of Rob to me.” 

What happens next?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Ruffled feathers in the nest

Previous episode

Celia’s divorced mother showed up on their doorstep to “help” during Celia’s pregnancy. 

Current episode

Rob had just told his cubicle mate Lucy that Celia is pregnant, though he asked her to keep it hush-hush for another month or so.  Lucy, in a cloud of hairspray and perfume, stood up to offer Rob a sincere hug.  He coughed. 

His phone rang. 

“Rob,” his mother-in-law said, “Dinner tonight.  Meat or fish?”

“Ummm,” he said.  “How about meat?  The smell of fish will make Celia sick.”

“Steak it is!  Baked potato or mashed?”

Rob told her he liked mashed better.  And how about some green beans? “Mom,” the title that he had just started calling her, agreed readily.

“So,” Lucy started in her throaty voice as Rob hung up.  “Celia’s nesting already and taking care of her man?”

“Actually, Celia’s too sick and tired to do anything but work.  That was my mother-in-law.  She’s here to help.”

Lucy, who typically did not consider any subject to be off limits, just nodded and turned back to her computer without further comment.  Her lack of response said more to Rob than any words she might have spoken. 

“So what’s wrong with that?” Rob said. 

“What does Celia think?” Lucy said.

Rob realized he had no idea and said as much.  He had assumed Celia welcomed the support, as bad as she felt.  It’s not like Rob had time to shop, or cook, or clean or do laundry, working two jobs as he was.  If her mother didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done at all, or it would be addressed at the expense of either Celia’s health or his sleep. 

“She’s thrilled,” he said.  At that moment, Celia called. 

“She’s driving me crazy,” Celia said.  “She’s decorated our front door for Halloween.  We live in an apartment.  It’s not like we’re going to get trick or treaters.  And did you look in your lunch?”

Amused at what he might find, Rob reached under his desk and unzipped his small cooler.  Inside, he found orange frosted pumpkin-shaped cookies, which he did not mind at all, and a note from “Mom” telling him how proud she was that he worked so hard to take care of her daughter. 

“Aw, I think it’s sweet,” Rob said.

“I think she’s getting off trying to live my life for me,” Celia said.  “My note said, ‘I hope you get to enjoy being a mother more than I did.’

They talked a few more minutes, with Celia complaining more and Rob declaring that her mother’s presence really was a support right now.  When Rob hung up, Lucy looked at him.

“Rob, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?” she said.  “It’s Celia’s home.  Just remember that.” 

What happens next?

Monday, October 10, 2011

Look who’s coming for dinner?

Previous episode
Celia has started a new two-thirds-time school district teaching job.  In addition to her private lessons and church choir directing, she is now working full time hours for the first time since she married Rob.  She is also pregnant.  Rob continues to work his full time job while pulling shifts at Starbucks three times a week.
Current episode
Their parents’ reaction to the pregnancy took them by surprise, particularly because of the unforeseen gender split in the responses. 

Rob’s father proclaimed joy that the Benton family name would live on through his only son.  Having never before witnessed such patriarchal pride in his father, Rob was both heartened and a little weirded-out by it.  Celia’s father, from whom her mother had been divorced since Celia was in grade school and to whom Celia was not close, also made unexpectedly positive noises about being a grandfather.  Celia briefly shuddered inwardly that spending more time with her father might be in her future until she remembered that his talk had always been cheap.  There was little chance that he would follow through on his proclamations. 

Their mothers, from whom they expected real excitement, seemed hesitant. 

“But you’ve hardly had time to get used to being married,” Rob’s mother said.  “And now the stress of a baby.”

“Well, I suppose you had to lose your figure eventually,” Celia’s mother told her.  “Geez, what a rotten time to get a new job, just when you’re going to feel like crap for the next eight months.  And tired for the next ten years.”

No sooner did those words emanate from her mother’s lips than Celia began to feel nauseous, nearly all the time, on a spectrum from need-to-nibble-on-a-saltine to run-to-worship-the-porcelain-god. 

Never in her wildest dreams did Celia anticipate that in her first week of a new job, she would carry barf bags with her and scope the nearest rest room at every classroom she visited before even greeting the classroom teacher. 

This undermined her enthusiasm more than she would have liked, and her heart broke when she looked inward to find that her innate passion for teaching music was cordoned off somewhere behind her unpredictable stomach.

Almost immediately, Celia began to default to a kind of survival mode.  She stopped cooking and could barely tolerate a trip to the grocery store because of the fish counter. 

“Hopefully, this is temporary,” she told Rob from the sofa one evening as she flipped through a pregnancy book.  “They say this usually ends by the end of the first trimester.  That’s only a little over a month away.”  She tried to sound positive, but a month like this loomed like an eternity.

Rob and Celia both looked up as their doorbell rang.  They were not expecting anyone. 

Rob opened the door to find Celia’s mother on the doorstep.

“I’m here to help,” she said, hugging her son-in-law.  “I can stay as long as you need.”

What happens next?

Friday, October 07, 2011

How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?

Sometimes in life the pressure just builds and builds and builds. It seems like the release valve is just never in sight. In response to a recent post that I made on Facebook suggesting that sometimes we have to wait, a reader responded “how long should we have to wait?” That is a great question. But, ultimately, the answer is that we have to wait until our prayers are answered. We must remain undaunted in our prayers and in our beliefs that our prayers will ultimately be answered (one way or another).

The relief that we seek will not always come when we want it. But, as the saying goes “it always comes right on time.” In the meantime, we have to see the process as building Christ-like faith in us—as we lean on him for our sustenance in the midst of the pressure. In the end, it is Jesus that gives us the R-E-L-I-E-F that we seek.

Monday, October 03, 2011

How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?

Previous episode
Celia is pregnant and Rob is working a part time job in addition to his regular job to close the money gap.  He is getting used to the idea of a baby but he still can’t get over the fear that they may never achieve the financial stability he craves.

Current episode
Finally, the workday had ended.  Rob’s good morning mood ground to a halt when Starbucks called to ask if he wanted an extra shift this week.  No, he did not – but he took it anyway.  That was a lose-lose situation; to refuse it would be to feel guilty, since the extra job was about paying down the bills even before the ticking pregnancy clock inserted itself into his time management.  But to accept meant one more night this week without any chance to relax, and Rob desperately needed relaxation of the nurse-a-beer-while-watching-the-game sort even more than he needed sleep.  Or so it seemed.  Coffee helped with the fatigue.  But nothing compensated for the lack of down time, and though he surfed the internet more than usual at work it was hardly a sufficient reboot to his brain. 

This lame brain entered the apartment in advance of the rest of him, it seemed.  Celia was here in the homemaking sense, he thought; with lights dimmed and candles glowing, unusual but wonderful food scents emanating from the kitchen, and a cool jazz blowing across the room. 

Celia, dressed for a night out and not for teaching piano lessons, heard him come in and met him with a grand, warm smile.  She closed the door behind him, took his brief case and set it down, and threw her arms around him. 

“I got the job,” she whispered into his ear.  “Two-thirds time plus a benefit buy-out, which I accepted since I’m on your insurance.”

There was a long pause as he hugged her back, waiting for the words to sink in.  Was it really just this morning that she mentioned a possible job lead?  Then he thought – even in an entry-level school district that would mean thousands in income versus the hundreds Celia brought in giving piano lessons and leading her church choir. 

The burden he had been carrying suddenly shifted, and he could feel Celia’s shoulders take it on willingly.  He hugged her tighter, realizing that he needed a partner much, much more than he needed the money.  Not that he would turn that down!

He sighed, a long sigh that had been building up for months.  It ended in something like a sob that was part laughter, part crying; but in all he felt a spectacular, nearly orgasmic release.

“All right,” Rob said, stepping back and kissing her.  “Now we call our parents!”

What happens next for Rob and Celia?

How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?

Previous episode Celia is pregnant and Rob is working a part time job in addition to his regular job to close the money gap. He is getting used to the idea of a baby but he still can’t get over the fear that they may never achieve the financial stability he craves. Current episode Finally, the workday had ended. Rob’s good morning mood ground to a halt when Starbucks called to ask if he wanted an extra shift this week. No, he did not – but he took it anyway. That was a lose-lose situation; to refuse it would be to feel guilty, since the extra job was about paying down the bills even before the ticking pregnancy clock inserted itself into his time management. But to accept meant one more night this week without any chance to relax, and Rob desperately needed relaxation of the nurse-a-beer-while-watching-the-game sort even more than he needed sleep. Or so it seemed. Coffee helped with the fatigue. But nothing compensated for the lack of down time, and though he surfed the internet more than usual at work it was hardly a sufficient reboot to his brain. This lame brain entered the apartment in advance of the rest of him, it seemed. Celia was here in the homemaking sense, he thought; with lights dimmed and candles glowing, unusual but wonderful food scents emanating from the kitchen, and a cool jazz blowing across the room. Celia, dressed for a night out and not for teaching piano lessons, heard him come in and met him with a grand, warm smile. She closed the door behind him, took his brief case and set it down, and threw her arms around him. “I got the job,” she whispered into his ear. “Two-thirds time plus a benefit buy-out, which I accepted since I’m on your insurance.” There was a long pause as he hugged her back, waiting for the words to sink in. Was it really just this morning that she mentioned a possible job lead? Then he thought – even in an entry-level school district that would mean thousands in income versus the hundreds Celia brought in giving piano lessons and leading her church choir. The burden he had been carrying suddenly shifted, and he could feel Celia’s shoulders take it on willingly. He hugged her tighter, realizing that he needed a partner much, much more than he needed the money. Not that he would turn that down! He sighed, a long sigh that had been building up for months. It ended in something like a sob that was part laughter, part crying; but in all he felt a spectacular, nearly orgasmic release. “All right,” Rob said, stepping back and kissing her. “Now we call our parents!” What happens next for Rob and Celia?