Check out Pastor Tod Bolsinger’s wonderful story of marital commitment, “Vows”. Perhaps Rob and Celia—or all of us—could learn a thing or two.
Posted by Joanne Weidman in:
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Previous episode
Celia’s mother is Rob and Celia’s houseguest over the holidays.
Current episode
Ever since Rob had snagged two tickets to The Nutcracker for a date night, their holiday houseguest had been playing the martyr and Rob’s stress level was mounting. By day he worked with the skeleton crew of colleagues who, like him, had already exhausted their vacation time. He did not mind working but hated that he had to while Celia was off. Between his weeks away helping his parents this fall and the fact that Celia worked most evenings, he desperately needed time alone with his wife. But Mom was always there, and though Rob thought he had made peace with the arrangement – and though Celia had seemed to understand that Rob wanted some amount of dedicated time from her – he dreaded leaving work.
“Did you bring any more tickets home, Rob?” Mom had said one night.
“That doesn’t happen very often,” Celia said. “I think this is only the second time Rob got the company tickets.”
“I made lasagne for dinner,” Mom said another night. “Unless of course you two are going out to eat.”
“No, we’re staying home tonight,” Celia told her. “It smells great!”
“You’re not going to bed yet!” she said on yet another night. “Leno’s on soon.”
“Rob has to get up for work, Mom.”
Celia was missing the point. Rather than addressing the situation head-on and requesting some space, Celia continued her feeble parries of Mom’s remarks one at a time, which only seemed to set them up for more.
Rob even found it difficult to make love behind their closed door. Celia said she did not care that Mom was in their living room, but Rob did. He was becoming claustrophobic in his own home. And Mom was going to be here until January 2nd, and Celia was back to her regular schedule on the 3rd.
Rob began to feel hopeless; frustrated and exhausted. He had planned a second date night (as he and Celia had agreed he would do), just dinner and a movie, but he feared that somehow Mom would inject herself into their evening.
“Celia,” he said in bed, right after a dismal lovemaking attempt. “I need some space from your Mom. I’m going crazy.”
“I know,” she said. “But it’s just a few more days.”
“And then you’re back to work evenings and weekends.”
What happens next?
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Disappointment
In-laws
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Previous episode
Rob and Celia are both excited about—and bracing themselves for—Celia’s mother’s holiday visit.
Current episode
Celia was glad to see her mother. Mom’s hair was newly trimmed and highlighted, obviously a splurge before her Christmas vacation. Celia was accustomed to seeing her mother looking tired and older than her age, and her heart jumped at this Mom who appeared together and even hopeful. Mom was sitting on the sofa in the living room, which would also be her bed for the next ten days.
“I’m so glad to be here,” Mom said, smiling. “When will Rob be home?”
“About six.” Celia did not have any of her private piano students scheduled for the break, but the afterschool program was open through Thursday. Mom was going to help for a couple of the days, too. Celia hoped that in Mom’s book this would count as “Celia time.”
Celia was still figuring out how to walk the fine line between what Rob needed this holiday – time alone with her, especially after Christmas when she was not working even though he was. After his father’s illness this fall and time spent helping his parents at their home in Cleveland, he just wanted to enjoy his wife without any family responsibilities.
But Mom also expected quantity time, and they had plans to sew and cook and do after-Christmas sale shopping. Neither of them had money to spend right now but they would enjoy the game of sticking to budgets while shopping as extravagantly as possible. Celia planned to spring for a nicer tearoom lunch for them together, too, as a Christmas gift. She had even made a card announcing it as such to put under the tree.
Rob and Celia had discussed what Rob hoped for the holidays, and Celia was looking forward to the date nights Rob promised to plan for them. She feared Mom’s expectations. Rob was good for Mom – he could make her laugh and engage her in ways that her typically depressive personality resisted otherwise. But if Rob and Celia announced they were taking time out from Mom, Mom could be hurt and offended.
Serving her mother a cup of coffee, Celia decided that to be direct about what she and Rob had decided was the best route. She had just opened her mouth to speak when Rob arrived home from work earlier than expected.
“Welcome, and Merry Christmas,” he said, hugging Mom and kissing Celia. The moment was warm and Christmas-y and Celia was happy.
“Guess what?” he said. “I snagged Nutcracker tickets for Thursday night from one of the partners.”
Mom exclaimed in delight. “I’ve never seen it!” She clapped her hands.
When Rob looked at Celia she knew from his face that there were only two tickets, and that he had not been including her mother in the evening. This was supposed to be one of their dates.
What happens next?
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Disappointment
In-laws
Communication
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I had the opportunity to speak this week at my church on the topic of "Leadership." We often think of leadership in the workplace. But, we often times fail to think of it in the context of our home--more specifically in the context of our marriage. One of the key tenets of transformational leadership (the leadership approach that is necessary during times of crisis) is to capture people's heart before you ask for their hand. I'd like to offer that to all of us married folks this Christmas season. Let's capture our spouse's heart. In the busyness of the season, this is too easy to forget. And, the gifts don't really do the trick. The Christmas carols do not really do it either. How do you capture the heart? It is about attentiveness to what really matters to your spouse--underneath all of the stuff and the issues. When you peel it all away what really matters to him/her? I applaud Rob and Celia for being able to stay attuned to each other through the ups and downs. I think they've managed to do what we aspire to achieve--capturing the heart. And, in the end that is really what the Christmas season is about--seeing how the birth of Jesus turns our hearts towards him and one another. That is what makes our holiday heavenly. Merry Christmas.
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Communication
Emotional issues
Holiday patterns
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People who are struggling in their relationships can relate to Charlie Brown when he said, “I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?” Charlie Brown’s first sentence could be paraphrased by many, as in “I know my marriage sucks…” or “Everyone in my family already hates each other….” Rob and Celia have worked hard this year—it has been a year of relationship ups and downs for them—and they are moving into the season together whatever trials it may bring. I encourage everyone to be thoughtful and real about your relationships. Don’t pretend there is not pain there—but consider how the season’s sentimentality, rather than providing a respite to forget pain, could instead soften you to behave differently in small ways. Be the change you want to see in the world—in your home and relationships.
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Previous episode
Celia is grasping that Rob is unhappy with the Christmas plans, which he felt overemphasized her mother to the exclusion of—him.
Current episode
To Rob’s surprise, Celia arrived home from work seconds after he did, carrying take out Mexican food from Rob’s favorite spot. As he was about to break open a package of frozen hot dogs by banging it on the edge of the kitchen counter, he stopped in midair and looked at her.
“What are you doing home?” he asked. “Don’t you have piano students tonight?”
“I did, but I rescheduled them,” Celia said, setting the food on the table and her other belongings on the floor. She sat down and began to unpack the food while Rob put the hot dogs back in the freezer and grabbed plates and utensils. He joined Celia at table.
“Cool,” he said. “Why did you do that?”
“I actually rescheduled them permanently to other nights. That way I’ll always have one evening off during the week, for us.”
Rob was not sure how this had happened. He had been unwilling to push it, since as an issue it resided in the netherland between how much money Celia made and how much time they spent together and therefore appeared irresolvable. For as long as Celia did not have a full-time teaching job and relied on piecing together freelance work for her income, he had not seen any way out of the dilemma but to pout about it.
Celia dished out enchiladas and beans while Rob opened the bag of tortilla chips. “I think I missed how important our spending time together is to you,” she said. “And not just while Mom’s here for Christmas, but all the time.”
Rob began to feel warm all over, and not from the food. “Wow. That means a lot to me. Thanks.”
“It’s really too late for me to change the plans on Mom because she’s already made arrangements with work and she is very, very excited about the trip. I am, too.”
“I know,” he said, but he felt so awesome that Celia understood him that this barely mattered anymore.
“But I will make sure that you and I have some protected time together while Mom is here. We’ll get out alone at least twice, OK?”
“OK. How about I plan some dates for us?” he said.
“I would love that,” Celia said. They smiled at each other, at one with their plans.
How does the Christmas visit go?
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Holiday patterns
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Celia is quite impressive in this week's episode. Her level of awareness in recognizing Rob's felt need is exactly what we married couples often fail to do in the heat of the moment. Oftentimes, we allow our emotions to escalate to the point where we are unable to rationalize. During these episodes we often do damage to our marriages. Celia, however, is recognizing that Rob really just wants to be the priority for some of the holiday. As pointed out in the episode, it isn't a "zero sum" game. Because Celia is able to stay rationale she is able to sense what Rob isn't saying. During this holiday season, our marriages are going to face similar challenges. In the midst of the holiday hustle, gift shopping, meal preparation, guests coming/going do your best to make your spouse a priority at least for a time. Plan it out now. Do something that you both have been looking forward to doing. This is what it means to prioritize your marriage--at its core it is about prioritizing one another's expressed and implicit needs.
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Holiday patterns
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Previous episode
Celia and her mother are planning Christmas together in Columbus, with Mom sleeping on Rob and Celia’s sofa. Rob was overwhelmed by this plan but neglected to speak his mind before it solidified.
Current episode
For the first time in many years Celia was actually anticipating Christmas in a good way. Since her mother had never seemed to get over her divorce from Celia’s father ten years ago, Christmases tended to be somewhat depressive for all involved. However, this year Celia was excited about her own work; Mom was coming here which meant Rob and Celia could begin their own holiday traditions, and even Celia’s sister Catherine had a boyfriend in the mix for the first time. Finally, perhaps, change was on the horizon for the Gillespie girls.
So it was confusing for Celia that Rob was not nearly as excited about this as she was. Didn’t he understand how important this was to her family?
“What if your mother leaves on the 28th or so, so we can spend a few days alone?” Rob was saying on the phone, after Celia had spelled out the plans and schedule she had with her mother from before Christmas through New Year’s.
“The 28th?” Celia said. “That’s on Tuesday! We’re making new curtains for the bedroom and kitchen, and we’re going to shop the sales to get Christmas fabric to start making things for next year…”
“I – I’m just not sure where I fit into your plans.”
“But you have to work all week.”
“Not twenty-four hours a day!”
“It’s not like we’re going to exclude you”—Celia stopped, realizing that Rob was trying to tell her something and not just about the holiday plans. “I think I’m missing something here. Don’t you want my mom to come?”
“I do, and I’m excited that you’re excited. But Celia, I’m exhausted after this fall. I wish I had vacation time to take so we could hang out, but I don’t. During the week that you are actually available, I’m working.” Celia realized that she had not given Rob’s schedule much thought, as involved in her own as she was.
Celia’s initial reaction was to argue about how important this was for her mother, when suddenly it hit her that Rob just wanted to spend time with her, alone, and somehow she was painting a competitive zero-sum picture in her mind that this was a bad thing. As important as her mother was to her, she needed to make her husband her priority.
What does Celia say to Rob?
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Family of origin
Intimacy
Holiday patterns
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Sometimes the line between being wise and being foolish feels very thin when the subject is marital communication. This week’s episode highlights one of those times for me. It is the tension between “getting to the point” and being responsible for what you say to your spouse. Sometimes, we (males especially) just want to get to the bottom line. We want to spit it out. And, we want our spouses to do the same. Tell us, what exactly are you trying to say rather than expect us to “decode” your intent. To some, this seems like the only communication approach that makes sense.
Other spouses, however, see it differently. They are concerned about saying something that bothers their spouse. They want their spouse to derive their implied intent without it being stated. This way, they think, the relationship is preserved.
The reality is that neither approach is always right. There are times when talking direct is the best approach. At other times, it is probably better to drop hints to allow your spouse to come to a conclusion on their own. So, how do you know when each approach is better?
I believe that we should always talk direct when we are expressing our own feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants. It is unfair to expect our spouse to read our minds no matter how long we’ve been married. Their love for you isn’t contingent on their ability to know what is going through your mind.
On the other hand, I think talking indirectly is useful when you are speaking of something that you aren’t so sure about. You might have a hunch, be looking for suggestions, desiring insight, or similar probes into topics of which you are less familiar. Talking indirectly is an opportunity to hear your spouse’s thoughts without biasing him/her to your own perspective.
Regardless of whether you choose to talk direct or indirect your objective should be the same—to build the relationship with your spouse.
In this week’s episode, I suspect the couple will benefit most if Rob talks more directly (but respectfully) about his feelings for Christmas guests and then uses more indirect probes to gauge Celia’s reaction.
Posted by Harold Arnold in:
Holiday patterns
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