Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Insomniacs Unite (Joanne’s comment)

Celia is torn between her husband’s life and her own life at this moment.  Yes, they are married, but modern marriages—digital marriages, we could say—are often a function of two very distinct and highly independent individuals whose separate lives allow for little overlap.  (Check out this article from NPR on a related dynamic of contemporary coupledom: “Couples Delaying Marriage for Economic Reasons”).  It is easy to question whether this is good or bad, but as a couples’ therapist I prefer to note that it is what it is; the means and obstacles to emotional connection may evolve with technological and sociological shifts but the end—feeling genuine connection to another human being—is as old as the Garden of Eden.  Rob and Celia need a good phone conversation, and that may be all they need for the moment. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

Insomniacs Unite

Previous episode
Rob is overwhelmed by what he is experiencing as he helps his family in Cleveland following his father’s heart attack.  Celia, alone in Columbus, is focused on her new job.

Current episode
Celia had been sleeping harder this week than she had in a long time.  Her days were full between running the music curriculum at the afterschool program, continuing to lead the church choir, and teaching the private piano students who remained when she had to move their appointments from afterschool to evenings and Saturdays.  Celia was aware that she was not horribly busy but the new changes did mean she was working seven days a week. 

Paul, the pastoral intern who ran the afterschool program, had asked her to plan a small celebration for the mentors and volunteers, which she had done gladly and which had happened last night.
So Celia was surprised when she awoke at 5 AM and could not go back to sleep.  She found herself ruminating about something that had not bothered her for a long time: that she was a church choir director and worked in a church-sponsored afterschool program for underprivileged youth, and her husband did not even attend church with her. 

She loved listening to Paul talk about his seminary classes and that to be Christlike is to work among the poor; this invigorated her own thinking about their dying congregation and her role in it.  She wanted to share her thoughts with Rob, but he was not here and he was so wrapped up in his family right now, understandably, of course – and Celia could not be sure he would really be interested anyway. 

Even though it was not yet light, Celia’s phone rang and she saw that it was Rob. 

“Rob?  What’s wrong?” she asked.  When there was a sick person in the family, it was hard not to panic when phone calls arrived at unusual times.

“Hi.  Nothing’s wrong, Dad’s fine – well, not fine, of course, but there’s no change there – I just wanted to talk.”

Celia was glad he had called and said so, and when she did she could not be sure but it sounded like Rob almost sobbed.  Helping out the family is a great idea, he said, if that helped accomplished anything, but their needs were this black hole – the more he did, the more they relied on him to do, right when they should be figuring out what their new normal was.  There was this huge sucking sound in the house, he went on to say, that sapped him of energy to do more than he had to, especially to help them address the situation and reverse the spiral they were in.

“Part of me thinks this will never change,” he said.  “We should just get jobs in Cleveland and be done with it.”

Celia, who had not yet said one word beyond her greeting, loathed the capitulation in Rob’s voice as much as she feared what he had said could mean for them both.  She censored her inclination to strike that thought head on, though, knowing that it would not turn out well, though she did see the irony that just a few months ago she might have welcomed the chance to start again in another city. 

How does Celia respond to Rob?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Keeping an eye on the big picture

Rob is in an unfamiliar place—feeling out of control. Like many of us, Rob likes a plan. And, he likes to work the plan. And, he get agitated when things deviate from the plan. The unexpected health challenges that Rob’s dad has experienced has disrupted his plan. He feels obligated to step up his role in the family to fill in for dad—at least for a while. I applaud Rob’s willingness to make the sacrifices for his family.

My concern, however, is that Rob become so engrossed in the details of his new family role that he loses the big picture. Doesn’t this happen to many of us? Even from a spiritual perspective we often lose sight of what God is doing in our lives because we can’t get our hearts and mind beyond the difficulties that are right in front of us. The problem, of course, is that when we become too short-sighted we compromise our future.

If Rob loses sight of the big picture here, he risks taking a position or making some statements to Celia that could cause some big problems.

The only other thing that I can say to him is “Tread lightly”.

Keeping an eye on the big picture (Joanne’s comment)

Rob is tired and overwhelmed, about which there is little Celia can do for him from across the state.  He is also lonely, though, and if he can identify this for himself he can realistically look to his wife for support.  Couples in which one partner travels frequently for work or otherwise (such as my DM partner Harold and his lovely wife Dalia) must find strategies for sharing and support in this situation.  The mistake is that the lonely partner may hope or even expect that the other will notice his state and provide comfort or soothing even though the ability to discern the loneliness is vastly diminished because of the physical distance.  Rob will need to own his feelings and state them clearly, especially when he knows Celia is distracted by the positive changes in her career.  Otherwise he risks falling into hopelessness when a little validation from Celia will go a long way. 

Monday, September 20, 2010

Keeping an eye on the big picture

Previous episode
Autumn has brought changes for Rob and Celia.  On the plus side, Celia is starting her new part time gig teaching music to kids at an afterschool program at her church.  On the minus, Rob’s father’s heart attack means Rob has been drafted as male support figure in his family during Dad’s recovery.

Current episode

Rob and Celia had not been apart since their wedding last October, and Rob did not like being alone in bed in the room that was still “his” even though he had left it six years ago for college.  Nor did he like that Celia did not seem to mind his leaving.  The distance between Cleveland, where he grew up, and Columbus, where he and Celia had gone to college and lived now, had never seemed greater. 

Lying awake before dawn (because he had not been sleeping well), he reflected on the last week.  Dad was recovering from the surgery following his heart attack, but otherwise there was little trace of the man Rob knew – his voice was weak, he shuffled around instead of walking, and once he had walked downstairs for the day he remained there until it was time to go to bed, napping in the recliner when he was not watching news or sports.  But Rob was more concerned that his father, who had been opinionated about everything, did not seem to care about much.  When Rob or his mother asked basic, functional questions about the lawn or the plumbing or the bills, he would answer, “Do whatever you think is necessary.”

Each time that happened, Rob’s mother deferred to Rob, and Rob, who knew nothing about such things, was left to sort it out.  Rob realized that his parents did not really need him – the hands-on caregiving was not significant, as Dad could get around and mostly take care of himself.  It was the emotional piece they could not handle, this temporary but necessary shift in leadership.  Since Rob was here his parents and sisters handed him all the responsibilities.  He did not know what else to do but accept them.

Rob’s vacation time was running out but he had learned that he could take unpaid family leave time if necessary.  This took off some of the pressure for his father to hurry up and get well so he could leave; Rob did not want to take unpaid leave for any reason.  He had already taken his sisters to college, including the youngest to start her freshman year at Ohio State, where he had “visited” Celia for the weekend before heading back to Cleveland again, and with each passing day he spent here his parents did not seem to grasp that he did not live here permanently. 

Rob picked up his phone.  He had texted “good night” and “I love you” to Celia hours before, but she had not yet responded.  When they had spoken earlier in the evening Celia had been effusive in talking about the kids she worked with; how smart they were and how quickly they were taking to the piano, how tough some of their home lives were, and how good Paul was with them.  He had not said much about how he was. 

Rob found himself wondering what the market for accountants and music teachers was in Cleveland.  Life would be much easier right now if he and Celia lived in the same city as his parents.

Even though it was too early, Rob dialed Celia’s number.

What happens next? 

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is trouble brewing? (Harold’s comment)

I think Joanne has it right. Rob seems like he needs some attention from his wife as he faces this life adjustment in the wake of his father's illness. But, like so many men Rob is not asking for the attention he desires. Why not? In some instances, we don't realize that well-timed, authentic attention is the cure for what ails us. In other instances, we feel like asking for such attention is a sign of weakness. In still other situations, we may feel like seeking attention makes us appear needy or "high maintenance." Books like "His Needs, Her Needs" (Harley) and "5 Love Needs of Men and Women" (Rosberg & Rosberg) do a great job of demonstrating that we all have needs. While these needs differ somewhat between men and women, it is clear that God created us to be "needy." We need vital human and divine relationships to live healthy and full lives. There is nothing wrong with being "needy." Of course, as the bible indicates, everything (including our "need quotient") needs to be in moderation. All of that is to say that Rob needs to be aware of himself and ask his wife for some attention during this stressful period. Sometimes our spouses aren't giving us their undivided attention-because they have their own issues with which they are dealing (in this case Celia is focused on her new job opportunity). But, a well-timed request by Rob will remind Celia how important she is to him. It will remind Rob how much he needs his wife. And, it will likely help create a boundary around the marriage that will protect Celia from losing herself to her new boss, with whom she appears a tad smitten at the moment.

Is trouble brewing? (Harold’s comment)

I think Joanne has it right. Rob seems like he needs some attention from his wife as he faces this life adjustment in the wake of his father's illness. But, like so many men Rob is not asking for the attention he desires. Why not? In some instances, we don't realize that well-timed, authentic attention is the cure for what ails us. In other instances, we feel like asking for such attention is a sign of weakness. In still other situations, we may feel like seeking attention makes us appear needy or "high maintenance." Books like "His Needs, Her Needs" (Harley) and "5 Love Needs of Men and Women" (Rosberg & Rosberg) do a great job of demonstrating that we all have needs. While these needs differ somewhat between men and women, it is clear that God created us to be "needy." We need vital human and divine relationships to live healthy and full lives. There is nothing wrong with being "needy." Of course, as the bible indicates, everything (including our "need quotient") needs to be in moderation. All of that is to say that Rob needs to be aware of himself and ask his wife for some attention during this stressful period. Sometimes our spouses aren't giving us their undivided attention-because they have their own issues with which they are dealing (in this case Celia is focused on her new job opportunity). But, a well-timed request by Rob will remind Celia how important she is to him. It will remind Rob how much he needs his wife. And, it will likely help create a boundary around the marriage that will protect Celia from losing herself to her new boss, with whom she appears a tad smitten at the moment.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Is trouble brewing?  (Joanne’s comment)

Rob is tired, burdened, and vulnerable… and looking to his wife for support.  Celia is energized, motivated, and, for the moment, pretty clueless about what is going on for her husband.  For Celia, who has long been discouraged and felt guilty about her professional life, the hope she feels from her new situation is real and good; however she is being insensitive.  (It remains to be seen whether the job itself or the appeal of Paul is the key factor here).  Either way, Rob is not asking for Celia’s permission to leave for two weeks.  He is seeking affirmation that he matters to her, because for the moment his world is spinning out of control and he needs to be steadied.  All couples miss each other on a regular basis and resilient couples bounce back.  But Rob’s margins have been challenged recently and I am concerned that Celia dropped the ball.  She needs to be his margin now, but she’s wrapped up in her own life a little too much. 

Monday, September 13, 2010

Is trouble brewing?

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are navigating the waters following his father’s heart attack. 

Current episode

Celia disconnected the call from Paul, with whom she would begin work tomorrow in the church’s afterschool program.  She had volunteered several days over the summer to help get the church’s old parsonage in shape for tutoring, mentoring, and Celia’s personal passion:  music education as part of a holistic approach to education.  Finally, after a year of job hunting and discouragement about her profession, something good had happened.  Then, too, Celia had been able to retain most of her private piano students by moving their lessons to Saturdays instead of after school, and she would continue to conduct the church’s small choir.  There would be a net gain financially though it was not much. 

But right now she did not care about money because Paul was such a fantastic guy.  Energetic, optimistic, and passionate, too, about the work he and Celia would be doing together.  Celia thought about the seminary course he had told her about that had challenged him to connect his theological beliefs with what the people around him really needed that had led him to seek grant support for this program.  It must have been a great class—

“I want to be a good husband, too,” Rob said. 

Celia had practically forgotten that Rob was in the room with her, even though it was partly his clothing she was separating to do laundry.  She looked up and gave Rob what must have been a quizzical look. 

“You said I was a good son and brother,” Rob said.  “But I want to be a good husband, too.  I’m not sure I should leave you for two weeks.  But there’s no one to”—

Celia remembered that they had just been in Cleveland for the weekend because of Rob’s father’s heart attack, and that Rob was considering taking his vacation time to help his mother and move his two sisters to college for the fall semester.  Her attention had been turned to work so completely, she realized, that it felt like she lived in two different worlds.  It was a jolt of culture shock to be brought back to this reality.

“You are a good husband,” Celia said.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll be fine.  You need to be a son first right now.” 

Rob said OK, though he did not seem encouraged by her words.  Celia smiled and picked up the laundry basket and headed to the laundry room in their apartment building.  She could use the two weeks Rob would be gone to get ahead on planning out the remainder of the program for the semester once she had met the children she would be working with.  She might make time to schedule some additional sectionals with the church choir, too, for Christmas.  She wanted to give a holiday concert that would impress Paul. 

What happens next for Rob and Celia?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Finding the right words to say (Joanne’s response)

Harold has nailed it about “encouragement.”  I will add that in order to offer encouragement in most situations, it is necessary to maintain a few degrees of perspective from the person you are hoping to encourage; this is one reason why churches bring in outside speakers, and organizations hire consultants.  As I have noted before, spouses are often just that person in a family.  Interestingly, though, at the moment it’s not clear that Celia needs encouragement from Rob, but her the fact that she is confident at the moment doesn’t mean his offering is meaningless.  I hope he interprets the current situation as such and makes an offering she’ll appreciate.