Monday, May 31, 2010
Finding your own “I need to change” moment
Previous episode
Rob left work to find Celia at the church after she hung up on him. They are alone in the church parking lot.
Current episode
“You hung up on me,” Rob started, and though his words were accusatory his voice was soft and he sounded hurt.
Celia’s heart was still racing from the surprise of Rob showing up at all, and she had trouble shifting gears from thinking about teaching music to kids as a church outreach to talking to Rob about – money. Celia did not think she could handle another fight about money or her meager income.
“This may be a shock to you, but money is not the most important thing to me,” he said.
Celia heard the word “money” and became nauseous. More slowly, the real content of what Rob said trickled down and soothed her stomach and mind. She took a deep breath and reminded herself of facts: she was married to Rob, she loved Rob, and he appeared to be trying to mend their recent rift. Either time had slowed or she was slow, though she had caught up with herself to some degree – at least she was no longer inside the parsonage with Paul.
As her heart caught up to the parking lot with Rob, Celia began to cry. “So what is the most important thing to you?” she said, fumbling in her purse for a tissue. “Because it sure seems like it’s money.”
“No. It’s you.” Rob stepped forward to hug Celia, but she resisted. Rob took her hand instead while she fumbled to blow her nose with the other. Again, Rob’s words were taking a long time to sink in. As they did, she stepped closer to Rob and let him hug her.
“I can re-do our budget,” he continued. “I was expecting you to change to fit my budget, but I need to change the budget to fit you. You need to be able to start this new afterschool program.” Rob’s words, and his arms, felt good, but still Celia resented that he acted like it was all his responsibility.
“Do you really have a budget? Like a real, written-down budget?” Celia said, sniffing.
“Yes, I really do,” Rob said, backing away to look at her.
Celia laughed, thinking that of course he does, but then she paused. “I want to do this afterschool program.” She blew her nose one more time. “But I’d like to see our budget, too. I understand that I need hold up my end of the deal, but please don’t tell me what that needs to be. Let me help decide.”
Rob nodded and leaned in to kiss her. “OK. I will do that, to show you that you and what you are good at”—he gestured to the parsonage – “are more important than anything.” Rob opened Celia’s car door for her. “And now I need to take you to lunch, to show Paul what kind of husband I am.”
“Can we afford it?” Celia asked, joking.
What happens next?
Friday, May 28, 2010
pardon the Interruption (Harold’s comment)
What would it be like to walk around everywhere with a suitcase packed full of stuff? When you do your household chores you lug it along with you. When you run your errands you lift it on your shoulders before heading out. When you go back and forth to work you pull it along. Even when you get into the shower, you slide it in the stall right next to you.
This sounds ludicrous doesn’t it?
Do you realize this is exactly what we do with our marital worries? We carry them around with us despite the heavy burden that they impose on our lives. We think they are different than the stuffed suitcase only because we can’t literally see them. But, the truth is that they are even more weighty than the luggage.
Some of us even wear these worries around like badges of honor—oblivious to the fact that we are acting in disobedience to God’s word as we do so. God instructs us to cast our care and worries upon Him. Yet, we continue our daily routine mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted by the concerns of a marriage that has failed to live up to the one we had imagined.
Rob and Celia are both carrying around their own loaded suitcases. Rob’s suitcase is donned with dollar signs—worries that they will not achieve the financial security that he hopes for. Celia’s luggage is about job security—bothered by whether she can find a satisfying position that pays decently.
Both of them need desperately to unpack their bags. But, as Joanne suggested they may need the help of their therapist Carolyn to do so.
The question to you is “are you carrying around your luggage?”
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Pardon the Interruption (Joanne’s comment)
Harold and I have commented before on the unconscious expectations we bring to relationships; what Harold calls “the imaginary marriage” in our minds. In Rob’s imaginary marriage, he has a partner whose life blueprint is exactly like his and who will do exactly what Rob thinks she should to achieve the blueprint’s final product. In Celia’s imaginary marriage, Rob will be perfectly patient with her and even enjoy carrying the weight of providing for them both while she finds herself. Obviously, the problem with imaginary marriages is that they are disconnected from the one real marriage a couple has. I think a trip to their therapist Carolyn is in order, because I think it’s unlikely that either will be able to drop their defenses enough to get there themselves. But we shall see.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Pardon the Interruption
Previous episode
Rob and Celia are still fighting about Celia’s income. Celia may get to teach music to underprivileged kids at her church, which she is excited about. Rob can only focus on the money and Celia hung up on him, so he left work to drive to the church to talk.
Current episode
The front door of the old parsonage was propped open with a paint can, so Rob walked in without knocking. He could hear voices in another room, but they echoed easily throughout the empty house; Celia was laughing and talking and sounding happy, something Rob noted with sadness that he had not heard for a while. As Rob followed the voices down a long hallway to the back of the house, he heard a man’s voice join in with Celia’s and they laughed together.
Rob turned a corner into what must have been a formal dining room, as evidenced by an old chandelier hanging in the middle of the bare room. He rapped his knuckles on the doorframe even though Celia and some hippie-looking guy were standing ten feet away from him. They stopped laughing at the same time as they heard the knock and turned to look.
“Hi. Can I help you?” the man said, while Celia said, “Rob, what are you doing here?” at the same time. The man, realizing that Celia knew him, strode forward with his hand out to shake Rob’s. Celia made the introductions.
“Paul is the one who is starting the new after school program I told you about,” she added.
“I’m really psyched that Celia is willing to help us out,” Paul said in a kind of laid-back, non-Southern drawl. “She has great energy about how to engage kids who have never been exposed to music before. I thought we might put a piano right here,” he added, pointing to one end of the room.
“I’m thinking we can pair older kids with younger ones,” Celia said, although to Rob’s ears she was just filling the awkward space that had been created when Rob interrupted whatever churchy groove they inhabited together.
A silence that hurt Rob’s soul hung between Rob and Celia, with Paul as witness.
“This is a nice surprise, coming to take Celia out to lunch,” Paul said. “We’ll finish our conversation about the program later?” he said to Celia. Rob was surprised and touched that Paul seemed to grasp that something was going on and offer them an out. Or else he felt guilty about something.
Celia nodded. Rob said, “Good to meet you,” to Paul and led the way back through the front of the house and to the parking lot.
What happens when Rob and Celia are alone in the parking lot?
Friday, May 21, 2010
The real cost of fighting (Joanne’s response)
Harold draws pertinent analogies between Rob, restaurants and relationships. But Celia is missing an important point about “ambience” as well: Rob’s money focus is not just an intellectual desire to be responsible about finances. He, too, has an emotional piece at play that would benefit from Celia’s attention. However, it is difficult to validate our partners’ values when the very nature of the value makes us anxious. Here, Celia’s idealistic approach to the world causes anxiety for Rob the capitalist. Rob’s anxiety about their future is just as valid as Celia’s fear that Rob’s finance-focus diminishes his ability to appreciate her gifts. Eventually they will get there, but at this point I’m just hoping they can save the fight for when they get home!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The real cost of fighting (Harold’s response)
I like to think of communication as having two dimensions—content and relationship. Content consists of the facts of what is being communicated. Relationship is the value to which you esteem the person to whom you’re communicating. Both of these elements are vital in all communication, especially in intimate relationships. Through our verbal and non-verbal behavior we are leaving a message.
I often use restaurant language to explain this dynamic. Content is like the meal—the apetizer, entree, and dessert. Relationship is like the ambience—the setting, the context. It is difficult to have an enjoyable meal with bad ambience. And, a great ambience is for naught if the food is terrible. In other words, you need both the meal (content) and the ambience (relationship) to have an ideal experience.
Rob has created poor ambience for this important discussion in dismissing Celia’s feelings. He has allowed his worry over finances to distract his focus on the relationship aspect. He has yet to realize that the financial aspects of their marriage will never be resolved in a content-laden narrative. Rob isn’t alone. We all fall prey to this trap. Until we refocus on creating a better ambience we will continue to struggle with the content. And, of course we open the door to allow someone else to set the ambience that creates sparks in our spouse’s eye.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Real Cost of Fighting
Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him. She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music.
Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon. “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—
“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove. There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—
He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way.
“Is money all you think about?” she said. “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”
“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said. “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”
“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.
This had never happened before. In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other. Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer.
He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office. “Early lunch,” he said, and took off.
Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity. He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would. But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure. But he needed to see Celia now.
She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot. As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.
What does Rob find when he walks in?
The Real Cost of Fighting
Previous episode
Just as Rob realizes his first-three-years-of-marriage budget is unrealistic without Celia contributing a full-time income, Celia calls him. She is excited that there may be a chance to work with her church’s new after school program teaching music.
Current episode
“There’s grant money to renovate parts of the old parsonage,” she was saying, as Rob tried to keep up with both her excitement and her church jargon. “They’re dealing with inner city kids whose school achievement is already challenged, so some music education”—
“How much are they going to pay you?” Rob asked, trying to sound interested in what she was saying but stuck in a money groove. There was a long pause, and realizing that his comment had landed wrong, he added, “Sounds like a great opportunity to do something you love while making more money”—
He heard Celia sigh, and not in a good way.
“Is money all you think about?” she said. “I have a chance to do something that matters here, Rob – and work with someone who doesn’t think about money first, money last, and money”—she sighed again – “in between.”
“I think about money because one of us has to,” Rob said. “We’d both be sleeping in a tent with homeless kids if it was up to you!”
“Like there’s something wrong with that,” Celia said, right before she hung up.
This had never happened before. In the over three years that they had known one another, they had never hung up on each other. Rob was angry at himself for pushing the conversation in the wrong direction; he was angry at Celia for insisting on pulling it as far in the other direction as possible, and he thought he was going to jump out of his skin if he had to sit in this cubicle for one second longer.
He opened the desk drawer to grab his wallet and keys and stuck his head in his boss’s office. “Early lunch,” he said, and took off.
Driving to the church, Rob wondered at his impulsivity. He was not certain why he was even doing this; they would see each other tonight as they always would. But Rob felt the need to force something; whether it was to mend the rift with Celia or continue to babble incessantly about his money anxiety he was not sure. But he needed to see Celia now.
She had said something about an old parsonage, Rob remembered, as he pulled into Redeemer Lutheran’s empty parking lot. As he closed the car door he heard voices and laughter coming from the conceivably derelict old Victorian that was adjacent to the church.
What does Rob find when he walks in?
Friday, May 14, 2010
When the balance sheet disrupts the marital balance (Harold’s response)
I enjoyed reading the link that Joanne posted about commitment in marriage. Whether anecdotal or based on experimental evidence, we have come to learn that commitment is the foundation of healthy relationships. I love this quote in the article by the researcher Dr. Lydon, “the more committed you are, the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship.”
We all have a responsibility to protect our marriages. Yet, too often, we flirt with danger. The hug that lasts a little too long. The temptation to share feelings with the coworker of the opposite sex that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your spouse. Or, maybe the business trip dinner that felt a little inappropriate.
All of these situations present opportunities for small fissures to develop in the relationship. If entertained, these fissures spread to the point where emotional and sometimes physical infidelity occurs. This threat is particularly real when there is strain on the marriage.
Rob and Celia are facing a number of stressors that can create those cracks in their young marriage. They would do well to keep vigilant attention to their core relationship and to look for ways to align against those stressors.
And, check out the link in Joanne’s post. It’s pretty interesting.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
When the balance sheet disrupts the marital balance (Joanne’s comment)
The Science of a Happy Marriage -- NYTimes.com summarizes many of the issues we've been covering in Digital Marriage lately. As Rob and Celia deal with their issues, Harold and I keep coming back to one theme -- commitment. Relative commitment levels impact everything you do in your relationship, from how you respond to a slight to whether or not you threaten divorce. The road is getting bumpier for Rob and Celia and part of me thinks they are getting a little lazy. A commitment booster -- a nice date together, some caring conversation -- might help smooth out some of the rough places.
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