Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Making marriage work for the holidays

Previous episode

Rob planned an economical yet otherwise romantic honeymoon at a pair of Great Lakes bed & breakfasts – not the Presidential Suites but not the share-the-bathroom ground floor rooms either.  He and Celia have had good sex from the start, but their communication hit a low point that first night.  They recovered, and agreed that when Rob starts to babble about money, which he does automatically, Celia will say, “You’re doing that money thing again” to alert him both to his behavior and to its impact on Celia.

Current episode

Celia loved waking up next to Rob.  They had been home, in what had been Rob’s bachelor apartment, for three nights now following their honeymoon, having returned the Friday after the wedding.  This gave them the weekend to begin adjust to living together, put away their few wedding gifts, and have sex several times a day before returning to real life this morning, Monday.  But there had been time for more sex before Rob had to get up, and he was now in the shower.  Really, if this was adjusting to married life, Celia was glad she had signed on. 

Celia heard the plumbing squeak as Rob turned off the shower.  The whirlwind of the wedding and its planning had occupied most of the autumn, and Celia was shocked to wake up in its aftermath to realize the holidays were here.  Fortunately, her choir had been working on Christmas music since summer, so that was not an issue.  But she and Rob had not discussed the holidays at all. 

She had one idea she hoped would please Rob.  She wanted to be in charge of buying and wrapping gifts for their families, because she enjoyed that anyway.  But the part she hoped would please Rob is that they would sit down and discuss the gift budget, what to spend on each person.  Then, they would have a conversation like Rob’s parents used to have, about why she bought what she did, what was on sale where, and all those little details his parents had discussed that Rob remembered with fondness. 

Mom and Catherine were excited about having Rob and Celia, married, for Christmas.  Mom was going to let them sleep in her room, since she had a bigger bed.  Celia wasn’t sure how comfortable she felt at the idea of having sex in her mother’s bed, but she supposed they would adapt.  

The bathroom door opened and Rob emerged from the steam, wrapped from the waist down in a towel.  This was a view Celia liked though it made her want to pull off the towel and haul him back into bed, but she thought that might not be a great idea on a work day. 

“I had an email from my Mom this weekend,” Rob said.  A shower always woke Rob up and made him efficient and businesslike. “They’re having a 90^th birthday party for my grandmother the day after Christmas.  They figured it’s easier than waiting until her actual birthday, in January, since you and I and the cousins will already be home.” 

How does Celia respond?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

How to make healthy marriage decisions (Harold’s response)

In this episode I was particularly struck by Celia's question to Rob when again he instantly went in "pennypincher" mode, “Why can’t you just stop doing it?” Seems like a reasonable question to Celia. The behavior is annoying to her, so stop. How many of you have had your spouse ask you a similar question.  They ask it so cavalier, so nonchalantly. 

I get a number of these questions from my wife, usually about some facet of my communication style--either verbal or non-verbal. For example, I often get a furrowed brow when listening or responding to my wife. I've had this furrowed brow look since I was a kid. In fact, my mother gave me much grief because of it. But, my wife Dalia is often put-off by it. Like Celia, she just wants me to stop doing it. 

As you might expect, my response is similar to Rob's. "It's automatic." This is true. But, it doesn't make my wife feel any better. I have to figure out how to understand its impact on my wife. I have to keep trying to improve it. And, I have to ask for grace in the process. 

What are the situations in your marital relationship where you or your spouse just ask "why can't you just stop doing it?" This is an excellent opportunity to dialogue in a way that deepens your relationship. And, it will help you to make healthier marriage decisions for years to come.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

How to make healthy marriage decisions (Joanne’s response)

Rob and Celia are in a groove, because they are meta-communicating.  Meaning:  they are talking about talking.  What does a healthy conversation look like?  Given who you are and who I am, what should our healthy conversations look like?  Rob took the initiative to reconnect after his blunder, and Celia responded.  Now that they have reconnected, they are taking it one step further:  they are understanding what they did poorly -- how they got caught in a negative cycle -- and are figuring out how to avoid it by talking about it.  The key to meta-communication is understanding yourselves and how your individual issues impact your shared cycle.  No one "procedure" as they are calling it will work for all couples.  Further, their ability to discuss their family issues here is a big part of it.  The next time Rob begins to read his internal balance sheet out loud, Celia will have more empathy -- and less anxiety -- because she understands why he does this.  It will be much easier to point it out to him when she is empathic and not defensive.  

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

How to make healthy marriage decisions

Previous episode

Rob has found Celia standing on the porch of the inn where they are sharing their first dinner as man and wife.  He apologized for some comments he made, about money, which he realized were thoughtless because Celia was sensitive about it.  She had excused herself from the meal momentarily. 

Current episode

Then he took her hand.  Celia sighed. 

“I understand that you pennypinch, Rob,” Celia answered.  “I just need for you not to talk about it all the time.” 

“So let’s decide what to do when I do talk about it,” Rob said.  “So you don’t need to panic.”

“I didn’t panic.”

Rob raised his eyebrow, because he was learning what panic looked like for Celia.  “OK.  You didn’t panic,” he said, leading her back inside.

When they had settled back at their table and were sipping their wine again, Rob said, “OK.  We need some sort of procedure for when I start reading my internal balance sheet out loud,” Rob said. 

“Why can’t you just stop doing it?” Celia asked, reasonably.  

“Because it’s automatic.  It’s like breathing to me.”  Rob took a sip of wine.  “It’s what growing up Benton meant,” he added.  “My mother would come home from the grocery store and provide a running account of the bill; what was on sale, what she had coupons for, which coupons were doubled, and which item she returned to the shelf when she realized it had been priced wrong – all the time.”

“Didn’t that drive your dad crazy?” Celia asked.

“No.  He seemed to enjoy it!”  Rob laughed as he remembered the kitchen-counter discussions.  “They seemed to bond over it.  She would explain her reasoning about buying a cut of meat that wasn’t on sale – how many meals she would get out of it, what she would serve with it – and my dad would agree and they would talk some more.  They could go on indefinitely.” 

“I can’t imagine any couple having productive discussions about money,” Celia said.  “We didn’t exactly have those in my house.” 

“So let’s figure out how to have them in ours,” Rob said.  “When I start – to so that thing that I do – I need you to let me know about it.  What do you want to do?”

“Anything so that I don’t have to leave the room.”

“And so that you don’t have to feel bad, either, and so that it doesn’t have to be all your problem.  You were feeling really alone on the porch for a few minutes, weren’t you?”

Celia nodded. 

What do Rob and Celia agree their procedure will be? 

Friday, November 20, 2009

The cost of humility in marriage…priceless (Joanne’s response)

I like Harold's phrases "unskilled and unaware" and "skilled and aware" to describe the communication style many relationships possess in contrast to that which many aspire to.  The ability to self-reflect -- to be "aware" -- is a necessary component to the transition between the first, which is general cluelessness, to the second, which is unconscious care.  Skilled and unaware reminds me too of healthy self-care in many situations -- the folks who eat wholesome diets without counting calories, or those who get plenty of exercise without gym memberships, and those who have active social lives without spending hundreds of dollars a week eating out.  What may have at one time required discipline and intentionality becomes second nature.  Rob and Celia are still in the transition phase -- and all couples will revert back to this under stress.  I sat with a couple this week, who are working on issues like this, complain, "But if we love each other it shouldn't be so hard to talk! You won't be here forever to help us!"  This is common -- the belief that communication in marriage shouldn't take work and that they won't be able to do it without a therapist.  But it's just another form of discipline which, if practiced, can eventually be as second nature as breathing on any given, average-stress day.  

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The cost of humility in marriage….priceless (Harold’s response)

Rob and Celia are what I called "skilled" communicators. Anyone following their journey over the last year knows that they haven't always been such. But, today they are. In my marriage workshops I talk about how couples have to progress from being unskilled and unaware (meaning that they are bludgeoning one another and don't even realize it) to being skilled and unaware (meaning that they are nurturing each other without even thinking about it). 

Rob and Celia aren't quite at the skilled and unaware stage. Rather, they are what is called skilled and aware. They are thinking consciously about the process going on between them when they are in and out of conflict. In this skilled and aware stage, they are able to examine their own dynamics from the perspective of an interested observer. From this more objective vantage point, they each have learned to consider the needs of the other. This is awesome for a newlywed couple. Most young couples lack such skills which lead to marital dissatisfaction.

The message for all of us is to become more conscious of how skilled our communication is with our spouses. Once you're aware, you may need to humble yourself in the sight of God and your spouse. The results will be priceless.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The cost of humility in marriage….priceless

Previous episode

After Celia left the table “to get some air” during their first honeymoon dinner together, a light bulb went off for Rob.  He got up and followed Celia out the front door of the inn.

Current episode

Celia sat in one of the wooden Adirondack chairs on the front porch of the bed-and-breakfast.   Where only minutes ago she had been energized and hopeful, she was now deflated and exhausted.  The idea of returning to the table, where Rob sat counting out the pennies to pay for the rest of their lives together, immobilized her.  

The front porch was chilly in the autumn evening and Celia was wearing only a blouse and jeans, but she could not go back inside just yet.  Celia knew how seriously Rob took his role as “provider” and he knew that her income as a music teacher – when she got a full-time job – would always be less than his as an accountant.  But they had talked about this; in fact Celia had been prepared to end their engagement if Rob did not grasp that she would not tolerate having decisions forced on her because Rob earned more money. 

She did not expect him to stop worrying about their financial picture.  That was how Rob was built and if she was honest with herself, it was part of what made him attractive.  He was strong and reliable about such things, whereas her father had been irresponsible with money.  Celia’s mother had been the one to count the pennies before their divorce, and her father had flung back at her that since he worked while she stayed home, she did not get to tell him what he could or could not buy.  He had driven them into financial collapse, and bankruptcy had preceded the divorce. 

Celia had not heretofore thought about why Rob’s talking about money bothered her so much.  As her cheeks began to tingle from the cold, she realized that when she left the table she felt as if she were about ten years old again, helpless to avoid the fight that was about to happen as her mother pleaded to her father to return the new television or cancel the casino trip or… whatever the fight was about on any given week.    All Celia could do was flee the room. 

But Celia was not ten anymore, and Rob was not an evil amalgamation of her parents’ worst qualities.  

She wanted to stay on the front porch to continue to clear her head, but she the cold was becoming too uncomfortable.  She stood up to go back in.  She was not sure what she would say to Rob when she did, but at least she felt like his equal at the moment.  She stood up and took a deep breath of the late indian summer air.   

She heard the porch door open and turned to see Rob walk out and look around for her.  When he spotted her, he walked toward her quickly.  He looked concerned.

“I’m sorry I talked about the prices earlier.  I know it upset you,” he began, as he reached for one of her hands.  “I can’t always turn off my inner calculator.” 

How does Celia respond?

Friday, November 13, 2009

When the honeymoon goes south… (Harold’s response)

Joanne's post makes an excellent point about what how healthy marriages differ from unhealthy ones. Couples often err in thinking that it is about conflict. We think healthy couples don't have conflict while unhealthy ones do. WRONG! I actually go out of my way to debunk this thinking because it leads to seriously false assumptions. Couples with such faulty thinking begin to feel like their marriage must be a mistake because conflict exists.

The reality is that conflicts will continue to present itself throughout the marital relationship. That is why Joanne's connect-disconnect-reconnect cycle is so important. When the inevitable disconnects happen do you have the tools to reconnect. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about "repair mechanisms" that couples need to help this emotional reconnection. Healthy couples have these repair mechanisms. Unhealthy couples, more often than not, do not have them.

What are "repair mechanisms?" They are acts/behaviors/words that let your partner know that they are important even when you're in a conflictual situation. It could be a "I love you." It could be a special home-cooked meal. It might be an arm around the waist. What it is is less important than what it represents to your spouse.

Next time you are in conflict with your partner, look to repair.

When the honeymoon goes south… (Harold’s response)

Joanne's post makes an excellent point about what how healthy marriages differ from unhealthy ones. Couples often err in thinking that it is about conflict. We think healthy couples don't have conflict while unhealthy ones do. WRONG! I actually go out of my way to debunk this thinking because it leads to seriously false assumptions. Couples with such faulty thinking begin to feel like their marriage must be a mistake because conflict exists. The reality is that conflicts will continue to present itself throughout the marital relationship. That is why Joanne's connect-disconnect-reconnect cycle is so important. When the inevitable disconnects happen do you have the tools to reconnect. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about "repair mechanisms" that couples need to help this emotional reconnection. Healthy couples have these repair mechanisms. Unhealthy couples, more often than not, do not have them. What are "repair mechanisms?" They are acts/behaviors/words that let your partner know that they are important even when you're in a conflictual situation. It could be a "I love you." It could be a special home-cooked meal. It might be an arm around the waist. What it is is less important than what it represents to your spouse. Next time you are in conflict with your partner, look to repair.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

When the Honeymoon Goes South (Joanne’s response)

Yes, Rob is being thick right now -- giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps the stresses of the day have dulled his sensitivity about how money talks impact Celia.  If Rob continues to be thick, he will argue with Celia about why she shouldn't be upset about the things he has said, but this is beside the point when the disconnect has already occurred.  The task now is to reconnect, and this requires two steps for Rob (regardless of whether he figures out for himself what is going on or Celia has to tell him):  a) acknowledge the cause of the disconnect ("It upset you when I talked about money") and b) attempt to repair ("I'm sorry I did that during our honeymoon dinner.  I know we need to plan ahead on money talks").  Then, it takes patience for the reconnect -- it won't necessarily happen immediately.