Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, March 30, 2009

The family dynamics of wedding planning

Rob and Celia were on speakerphone at Rob’s place, talking to Rob’s parents.   Together they had just told them they were engaged.  The Bentons responded, as expected, with surprise, happiness and congratulations.  Rob’s youngest sister Maria, still in high school, got on to squeal at them with excitement and make sure she would be a bridesmaid.

“Of course.  I mean, we haven’t discussed details, but of course you’ll be one.  No pink, though,” Celia said. 

“Lime green?” Maria asked.

“Put Mom back on,” Rob said.  “You’ll be the first to know what color the dresses will be.”  He rolled his eyes at Celia, who smiled, though she was thinking, yikes, I have a wedding to plan.  And pay for.  Celia had no money, her mother had no money, and Dad – well, Celia hadn’t talked to her father for months and hadn’t seen him for three years.  Asking him to finance a wedding after blowing off his overtures toward her seemed rude at best and at worst, hypocritical.  Rob had a good job, but he had school loans and a car note over and above his living expenses.  He always seemed worried about money. 

Then, even if she figured out the who-pays part, would she have to invite her father?  Would he expect to play father-of-the-bride?  In fact, until Maria had mentioned it, Celia had not thought about dresses, walking down aisles, or any of it. While she knew from watching friends that couples seemed to enjoy being engaged and planning weddings, suddenly Celia was overwhelmed.  She wanted to snap her fingers and be married.  Even the moving into Rob’s apartment part.  On some fantasy plane she had believed that by getting engaged, she would be married, but it hadn’t hit her until Maria had asked about bridesmaids. 

Celia walked to the sofa and plopped down, pulling her legs underneath Indian-style.  She watched as Rob, genuinely happy as he narrated the how of their engagement (eating fast food together as he recovered from the flu), paced back and forth as he talked, laughing easily.  Rob could be so relaxed with his family, Celia thought.  They really like each other.  The first time Celia had met Rob’s family was at the wedding of one of his cousins, and it had been a wonderful time, with everyone happy, engaged in the activities, and freely expressing love and family togetherness.  Celia had not attended that many weddings in her family, but the few she had were marked by drama and drinking more than joy. 

Rob was talking golf with his dad, which Celia knew meant the conversation was almost over.  How did I get someone so normal to fall in love with me, she thought?

Rob disconnected the call and walked toward the sofa, grinning.  “So, lavender or lime green, roses or daisies, chocolate or carrot cake?” he said, sitting next to Celia and leaning in for a just-told-my-parents-we’re-engaged smooch.  Celia responded accordingly, then pushed Rob back far enough that she could look him in the eye.

“Rob, what do you think about eloping?”

How does Rob respond?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Wedding Planning Missteps (Joanne’s response)

This is the kind of miscommunication that could drive a newly engaged couple to run screaming from one another, permanently.  It is also an issue I see frequently in couples I work with.  Couples often want their therapist to be their omniscient judge, deciding who is right and wrong. This is a bad role to accept, since there is no way to know what really went wrong.   All couples miscommunicate like this on occasion and that this happens in no way indicates that the couple is incompatible.  As I've noted in previous comments, the couple's ability to repair following these incidents is what matters, not that they  happen at all.  Resilience in relationships is about reconnecting.  I agree with Harold that both Rob and Celia need to laugh and MOVE ON.  

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wedding Planning Missteps (Harold’s response)

One of the things that plagues marriages and intimate relationships is faulty memory. It sounds kind of funny. But, couples would tremendously benefit if we could realize that memory is very fragile. However, this is so contrary to our intuitive sense of things. We believe our memories are a 100% "memorex moment" playback of facts. This is totally inaccurate. In reality, memories are really reconstructions based on the sensory data that our brain processes from all of our senses at the time of memory encoding and influenced by other events that may cause decay of that memory. This is why a couple who experienced the "same" event can have different recollections of events. 

Monday, March 23, 2009

Wedding Planning Missteps

Background

Rob and Celia have been engaged for several days but they have not yet discussed any wedding details. Rob returned to work following his bout with the flu and played catch up; Celia’s church choir directing became more hectic as Easter approached. 

Current Episode

Rob carried a tray with fast-food Mexican from the counter while Celia filled drinks from the soda machine.  The restaurant was near Rob’s office and he planned to return to work after this late lunch, which for Celia was an early dinner.  She was off to the church for a worship committee meeting when they finished.

“We need to call my parents,” Rob said, as they settled at a tall table.  “I’m starting to feel bad that they don’t know yet, when everyone who can see you with a ring on your hand knows already.” 

Celia paused as she unwrapped a burrito.  “You haven’t told them?”

“I was waiting until we could call them together,” Rob said.   He was kind of excited about it, truth be told.  His family liked Celia and had been disappointed, along with Rob, when she declined his offer last fall.  Since their engagement had been unexpected this time, he anticipated their happy surprise. 

“I didn’t know you were waiting for me.  I told Mom and Catherine when I talked to them on Saturday,” Celia said, too casually for Rob’s taste.  She regarded her meal and picked up her fork, apparently deciding against fingers.   

“But you were supposed to wait for me, so we could do it together!”

“I didn’t know that.  We hadn’t discussed that.”

“Yes we did!”

Celia put down her fork and looked at Rob like he had lost his mind.  Suddenly Rob was aware that this wasn’t a typical miscommunication.  Celia really didn’t seem to have any clue about this plan even though it was burned into his brain.  She actually looked frightened. 

“Okay.  Something’s going on here,” Rob said.  He put his hands on the table and took a deep breath.  “You really don’t remember this.”  Celia appeared to relax a little, although she still watched him closely.

“Mom and Catherine are happy,” she said tentatively. 

Rob began to fear that he and Celia were embarking on planning the wedding from hell.  If they couldn’t communicate accurately about simple content like this, how would anything important ever happen? 

What happened here?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Forever yours (Harold’s response)

Like Joanne, I too admire the evolution of Rob and Celia's relationship. It has shifted from a me-centered to a we-centered paradigm. A few months ago, we were wondering if this relationship was going to make it at all--mostly because neither of them seemed to get what was motivating the other. Over time, they each seem more sure and confident of who they are. As their individual boundaries and identity have solidified they can see each other--clearly. And, they like what they see.

I'm often in discussions with couples who have difficulty seeing each other clearly. Some of it is because of the busyness of life (which we talked about a couple of weeks ago). Sometimes, it is our own narcissism and self-centeredness (which we've talked about it previous episodes). And, some of it is just not getting the angle our partners are coming from. There are many reasons why intimate partners are sometimes more like "ships passing in the night." But, if you are truly going to be a partnership that lasts forever, you have to see each other--clearly. And, you have to value what you see. And, authentically valuing your partner is only possible when you value yourself.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Forever yours (Joanne’s comment)

Rob is settling into a real relationship with the woman he has.  Last fall he was struggling to fit Celia into the box that was the woman he wanted, which she resisted, to her credit.  I shudder to think of what this relationship would look like if Celia had agreed to marry Rob when she had doubts about herself and what she wanted of her own life.  The choice to speak her truth initiated a painful time for them both and to Rob's credit, he hung in there with her.  There is powerful symbolism in agreeing to get married while eating fast food and recovering from the flu. Sure, they'll have a nice wedding and it will be beautiful and romantic.  But this moment is theirs, and it is a real moment, rooted in the real lives of the two who are committing themselves in it.  

Monday, March 16, 2009

Forever yours

Celia stirred her strawberry milkshake with her straw.   She was glad to be at Rob’s, even happier he was feeling better.   The last few days, when he was sick and she took care of him, had only confirmed her devotion to him and their relationship.  She glowed in part ownership of his recovered health. 

She listened from the living room sofa as he fussed around in the bathroom, opening and closing cabinets and drawers; running water.  Rob was sick enough that he had required her help since Saturday, but Celia appreciated that he was taking the lead on caring for himself now that he was beginning to feel better.  That bode well for their future together.  She hoped she could be a similar patient, able to receive care that was freely offered when needed, but responsible enough to take over when possible.  She realized, as Rob re-entered the living room and walked towards her, that she felt admiration for him right now.  He seemed strong, and adult.  Celia had never before not admired him, but this was a new feeling,

“I’m supposed to take this with food,” Rob said, holding up a pill for Celia to see as he walked back in.   He sat down beside her and swallowed it, chasing it with his milkshake.  “So what did you want to talk to me about?” 

Suddenly Celia lost her own appetite and put down her milkshake on the table next to her food.  She felt a rush of sympathy for Rob.  She was highly aware of how vulnerable Rob had been when he had asked her to marry him last fall.  She had shot him down.  

“So like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days”—

“I’m not sure when you would have done that, as busy as you have been taking care of me,” Rob said.  He was not eating now, but was sitting cross-legged in his bathrobe, facing Celia. 

“I was thinking while I was taking care of you.  I was thinking that this is where I belong, with you.  Being with you – Saturday night, Sunday, taking you to the doctor yesterday.  It was my job and it is a job I want.  You didn’t keep me from being where I was supposed to be – my roommate’s party Saturday night.  The party would have kept me from being with you.  This is where I’m supposed to be.”  Celia paused, looking Rob in the eye.  “This is where I would like to be forever.”

Rob held out his hand toward Celia.   In it, resting in satin inside a small velvet box, was the diamond ring he had bought in October.  The one she had refused.  

“How did you know what I was going to say?” Celia asked. 

How does Rob answer?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Moving Forward?  (Joanne’s response)

I find Harold's post intriguing, and I am reminded yet again just how different the perspectives of others can be.  It never occurred to me that Celia might be hurt by Rob's behavior; rather I suspect she finds it amusing, as Harold did.  Since she has turned her corner toward Rob, and has been "tending" him during his flu, so to speak, Celia seems better able to manage her own needs.  If Rob's come first in this instance, Celia grasps that hers still matter and will be attended to soon.  If Celia is hurt, I suspect she can speak that to Rob and he can hear it.  More important to those reading a relationship blog, though, is the potent truth about relationships illustrated by how differently Harold and I responded to Rob's "guy-ness." Imagine being in an intimate relationship with someone who sees black where you see white, and vice versa.  In short, that's marriage!    

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Moving forward? (Harold’s response)

Monday, March 09, 2009

Moving forward?

Previous episode

Rob has had the flu for four days, so Celia has not yet told him about her evolution in thought about their relationship. 

Current episode

Rob had never before been so sick that his mother considered driving out from Cleveland to take care of him.  He might have taken her up on the offer had Celia not been so fully present for him.  Saturday night she had even spent the night on his sofa, which at the time seemed strange, but she told him earlier today that his fever was high enough then that she thought he might need the emergency room in the middle of the night.  On Sunday she went home only long enough to shower, change, and assess the party damage.  Yesterday she had taken Rob to an urgent-care facility since neither of them really had a doctor, and for the last twenty-four hours he had been taking anti-viral medication with every meal.   He was beginning to feel human again, and although he couldn’t imagine going back to work tomorrow he realized he was hungry for something besides chicken soup and jello. 

As if on cue, his front door opened and Celia walked in with wonderfully aromatic bags of burgers.

“Wow.  That’s some magical medicine they gave you yesterday,” she said as she put down the bags and her purse and took off her coat.  “You are beginning to look like yourself again.  How do you feel?”  She brought the food to the table, clearing it off to make room.

“Like the magic is working.  My head’s not hurting for the first time since Saturday.”

“Good.”  Celia seemed more pleased than he expected from that news update.  “I hoped you might be ready for something a little more substantial, food and otherwise.

“Otherwise?”  Rob sat up on the sofa so there was room for Celia to join him, which she did.  Together they began to unpack the food. 

“There are some things I want to talk to you about.  Are you up for that?”

“Uh oh.”

“I think they’re good things.”

“Then, have at it.”  Rob dug into the burger. “Man, this tastes good.  You are an truly an angel of mercy.”  He slurped a chocolate milkshake and shoveled a few fries into his mouth.  Celia played with her food, though Rob could tell she was pleased at the gusto of his response as she watched him. 

“I realized something this weekend,” she said.  “As if I had this massive perspective shift about everything.  We were getting ready for the party Saturday night, and I took a look around at my roommates and my life and it hit me”—

Rob stopped eating and looked at Celia.  Something had changed; she seemed different as she talked.  Actually, she had seemed different all weekend, he realized, but he had figured that was because he was delirious. 

--“that I am so done with this all.  I am ready to move forward.  I am ready to”—

“Stop,” Rob said.  “Hold that thought.  I need to get something.”

What does Rob get?