Harold Arnold: Your Relationship Rocks Coach!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Slowing down without Melting down

Previous episode
Moving plans are unfolding.  Celia and her mother went to her mother’s house to pack it up over the holiday weekend while Rob was left behind to finalize details on their new house purchase.

Current episode
Rob could not actually remember the last day he had not worked at one of his two jobs.  Christmas day, maybe.  But he was off today, Presidents’ Day, and he was home alone to boot.  He had awakened early, taken a slow, cold jog, and rewarded himself with a hot shower while his coffee brewed.  Rob enjoyed that the Starbucks job, rather than making him hate coffee, had increased his appreciation of it.  He could no longer tolerate the stuff Celia bought at the grocery store. 

He poured his coffee, turned on Pandora to his U2 station, sat down on the sofa to surf the sports news online, and sighed.  For about thirty seconds he looked at college basketball scores before he set aside his computer and stood up. 

The moment he did, he wondered why he had gotten up.  He sat down again and tried to focus on the scores, but something in his body kept telling him that there was something undone that needed to be done.  He stood up again and wandered into the kitchen, picking up a sponge and wiping around the fixtures at the sink.  After a moment he bent down, pulled out some cleanser from beneath the sink.  Sprinkling some on the sponge, he attacked an errant speck of grime…

This is crazy, he thought.  I work all the time.  Today is my day to rest.

But Rob could not sit still, as if his body no longer knew how not to work.  Even when he had evenings off, he had been helping out Celia, who was six months pregnant now and more tired than usual, or attending to new house details. 

“I really can’t relax,” he said out loud to his empty apartment.  Maybe watching a movie would help.  He put away the stuff he had been using at the sink and returned to the living room to look through their very small DVD collection.  He pulled out Iron Man.

“OK,” he continued out loud to no one as he turned off the music.  “Spending the morning with Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow.  How bad can that be?”

At least the movie kept him planted on the sofa.  He kinda-sorta watched it while looking at scores and reading the news.  He really didn’t do much of that anymore beyond headlines. 

About an hour into the movie, Celia called.  He was relieved to be distracted.

“We’re having car trouble,” she said.  “We stopped so I could go to the bathroom again but the car won’t start.”

How does Rob respond?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Home Owners at Last

Previous episode
Rob and Celia are trying to work on their relationship with Celia’s mother as they anticipate buying a house with her as well as living with her. 

Current episode
The call that their house offer was accepted arrived just as Rob and Celia were laughing, with genuine mirth, at the situation they had put themselves in by agreeing to live with Celia’s mother. 

“We got it!” Celia said, disconnecting the call from the realtor and standing up at the table.  She and her mother were having tea at Starbucks, where they had stopped in to say hello to Rob as he worked the closing shift on his second job.  Celia hugged Rob, hard, before they both hugged her mother.

The house was a little smaller than they had hoped; only three bedrooms, but it was in Upper Arlington, a nice neighborhood near Ohio State where Rob and Celia had met.  More importantly to Rob, Celia knew, was that it fell in a good school district, which meant that they would not have to worry about trying to move again before their child started school. 

“See,” Celia said, hugging Rob again and speaking into his ear.  “Now you don’t have to worry about anything.  Just getting about getting on with the rest of our lives. 

“I’m sure I’ll figure out something new to worry about,” he said. 

“Let’s just worry about moving and having a baby,” she said. 

“I can’t wait to start decorating,” Mom said.  “Why don’t we”—

Rob sighed, gave Celia a look that said good luck, and went back to work. 

“Mom,” Celia said, sitting back down.  “Except for the nursery we’re going to have to get by with the furniture we have.  We’re going to be at the limits of our income just getting into the house and there isn’t much left over.  And remember I won’t be drawing a paycheck over the summer.”

“Oh, but it’s your first house,” Mom said.

“Mom,” Celia said firmly, “we will decorate gradually as we can afford it.  But you can decorate your room any way you want.”

“I’ll pick a nice deep gray-green paint,” she said, “and find a nice neutral bedspread.”

Celia smirked.  At the very least Mom was easy to redirect.

“I have an idea,” Celia said.

What does she tell her mother? 

Monday, February 06, 2012

Marriage vs. Mother?

Previous episode
Every day seems to usher in one more small battle between their marriage and Celia’s mother, but Rob and Celia are beginning to feel like they are winning. 

Current episode
Rob, standing behind the counter in his Starbucks barista role, watched Celia and her mother continue their conversation at a table over tea.

“Look, I love you and I want us to live together, but I need you to be a team player,” he heard Celia tell her mother. 

“I am a team player,” he heard his mother-in-law say with a touch of whine in her voice. 

“Being a team player has to mean more than your best intentions,” he heard Celia continue.  “Rob and I need you to listen to what we’re saying.  When I ask you not to talk about the baby’s sex anymore it’s because”— Celia glanced up at Rob and he held her eye contact for the long moment before she looked back at her mother – “it’s because I don’t have the energy it takes to have the same conversation, over and over.  Please.”

“Well, you don’t have to get mad about it,” Mom said. 

Rob laughed inwardly at his mother-in-law’s lack of nuance.  People were either happy or they were angry in her world, and since Celia was not obviously happy she must be angry.  Watching Celia and her mother struggling out of their rut, he credited them both for their efforts.  Reaching into the pastry shelf he picked out two miniature cupcakes, grabbed a pair of napkins, and walked over to Celia and her mother.

“Good job,” he said, giving them each a bite of dessert. 

“What do you mean, Robbie?” his mother-in-law said.

“I mean that I’m proud of you both.  It’s hard work to figure out how to live together and you’re doing it.”

“I’m just not going to say anything at all,” Mom said.  “That way I won’t get in trouble.”

Rob and Celia both laughed in spite of themselves, and Rob knew that even that was progress; to laugh at her limitations instead of despairing over living with her meant they could be on the same team even if the going got difficult. 

Celia’s phone rang at that moment and she answered it. 

What is the call about?

Monday, January 30, 2012

Taking a stand

Previous episode
Rob and Celia are preparing to move into a new house along with her mother.  They are caught in a minor power struggle between the two of them over whose job it is to manage Mom as, yet again, Celia looks to Rob to intervene.

Current episode
“I needed your help there,” Celia was saying.  “I’ve been trying to get her off my back all evening about the boy or girl thing.”  Rob and Celia had chosen not to find out the sex of their baby, but Mom could not let it go.  Tonight, the reason to know had to do with decorating, and while Celia agreed it might be easier, she was also happy with yellows and greens.  Why could Mom not just accept that?  It just didn’t matter!

“I can’t manage every little thing that goes on between you,” Rob said.  His voice had an edge and Celia could see him looking around the Starbucks where he worked to make sure no one could overhear them.  “Especially here.” 

Rob looked up to greet the next patron who walked in while Celia stepped back so Rob could take their order. 

She watched him smile and chat amiably with the customers as he made their coffees.  He looked tired, which was understandable given two jobs, buying a house and dealing with a pregnant wife—not that she considered herself that much of an extra burden – but watching him now, Celia wondered if part of Rob was glad to be at work if only to be free from worrying about everything else. 

When the customers had left Celia stepped back up to the counter and opened her mouth to say as much, when Rob looked her in the eye and picked up on the previous conversation in the same edgy tone. “I can only do so much at once,” he said.  “ I need your help.”  He turned around and filled two cups with hot water and grabbed a pair of tea bags.  “So please go sit down with your mother,” he said, unwrapping the bags and putting them in the water,  “and tell her that we will all find out if it’s a boy or girl in about four months.  And tell her the tea’s on me.”  He looked up and smiled. 

Celia smiled back and took the tea back to the table. 

“Really, I don’t know why anyone would want a boy,” Mom said.  “I wouldn’t have known what do to with a boy.  I’m glad I had girls, and my mother had girls, and”—

“Mom,” Celia said, keenly aware that Rob’s eyes were on her.  “We will know in May.” 

“Oh, I know, but”—

“Mom.”  Celia said, raising her voice.  “Please stop talking about whether it’s a boy or girl.  It is duly noted that you’re disappointed.  But it’s your job to live with that.” 
Celia watched as tears welled up in her mother’s eyes.  She resisted the urge to take back everything she said and sat silently, glancing up at Rob.  I love you, he mouthed. 

I love you too, she answered with her eyes.

She turned back to her mother.

What does Celia say?

Monday, January 23, 2012

A boy or girl thing

Previous episode

Celia’s mother was laid off from her job just as she, Rob, and Celia are preparing to buy a house together. 

Current episode

Rob was doing the closing shift at Starbucks, sweeping the floor after what would probably be the last rush of the evening.  He had good days and bad days about the whole deal with Celia’s mom.  On the days when he focused solely on the financial piece, he was excited about the possibilities.  Between the sale price of Celia’s mother’s house and a small loan from his father, they would have sufficient down payment not only to buy a house, but to sneak into a decent school district too, and between his salary and Celia’s they would be able to afford the overhead. 

On days following another dip on the family emotional roller coaster, he was not so sure.  Celia’s gratitude toward Rob for being so supportive buoyed him, though he feared he would be unable to sustain his optimism if she and her mother didn’t figure out how to work things out better.  Celia still treated her mother as her mother.  Rob was beginning to feel that to treat her more like a child would be more helpful to everyone, including her mother.  Mom wanted to be told what to do, it seemed, but Celia still had an expectation that she should defer and therefore Mom would step up. 

The only remaining tasks:  to find a house, close escrow, and move in before Celia had the baby in May.  Whew.

The bell over the door jingled and he looked up to greet the next customer.  He was mildly surprised to see Celia and her mother, but he had known they were going to check out the baby store nearby. 

Celia’s mom gave Rob a big hug.  Celia, respecting his workspace, showed more restraint. 

“Robbie,” Mom said, “I don’t know why you and Celia won’t tell anyone if you’re having a boy or a girl.  It would be so much easier to think about what to get if we just knew.”

Celia looked at Rob as if to say, your turn, and good luck on that. 

There were times when Celia definitely needed Rob to step in and deescalate situations that pushed her buttons.  Clearly, this was not one of those times. 

“I’m sure Celia has explained to you how we feel about that,” he said.  “I doubt I have anything to add.”  He picked up his broom and headed behind the counter.  Celia’s mom took a seat at a table as Celia, looking cute in her new maternity jeans, came over to the counter. 

“Can I start a drink for you?” he joked. 

“I needed your help there,” Celia said.  “I’ve been trying to her off my back all evening about the boy or girl thing.”

How does Rob respond to Celia?

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Right Words at the Right Time

Previous episode
Celia’s mother, with whom she and Rob plan to buy a house, just announced that she was laid off from her job.

Current episode
“I’m such a burden to you,” Mom said, putting her face in her hands as she began to cry.  “Why in the world do you want to live with me?”

The chronic hopelessness that had reigned over Celia’s childhood home (a function of Dad’s drinking and Mom’s inclination to depression) suddenly overwhelmed the kitchen of the home that she and Rob shared.  This home was theirs, and Celia refused to allow hopelessness to rule here.  She glanced up at Rob, who did not look hopeless – he looked impatient.  As their eyes met, Celia could tell that they were in agreement that Rob would handle this.

“I’m sorry you were laid off, Mom,” Rob said.  “I know you were hoping this would be a permanent job.”  Celia was impressed that he sounded sympathetic without getting caught up in the emotionality.  That was Celia’s typical pattern – she would have immediately tried to convince her mother that she wasn’t a burden. 

Celia knew that part of the reason why living with her mother was going to work out financially is that neither she nor Rob expected her mother to contribute to the overhead expenses.  She would need money for her own expenses, but other than that they would support her in exchange for childcare, they presumed; they had not yet discussed that.  But Celia’s mother was a relatively young woman, only in her early fifties.  She needed a job so she would have something that was hers.  Celia knew that to make Rob and Celia’s family the center of her life, when she would already be living with them, would be a huge mistake. 

Mom’s weeping began to slow. 

“We want to live with you because we love you,” Rob continued, “and we’re going to need your help with the baby.  It’s great that you now have a couple of weeks to get the house packed up.  That way when escrow closes you’ll be ready!” 

“You mean you still want to live with me?” Mom said, looking up.

“Of course we do,” Celia chimed in, and it hit her in that moment, that her mother had spent her whole life earning the care of the people in her life: her own parents and Celia’s father.  Love had always been conditional.  It was astonishing to her that someone might want her just for her. 

Mom stood up.  “I’m going to do that.  I’m going to go home, make short work of the packing, and get back here and find another job.  I won’t be a burden to you.”

She kissed and hugged Celia, then kissed and hugged Rob, and went into the other room.  They could hear her dragging her suitcase out of the closet as they looked at one another. 

“That’s it,” Celia said, quietly, so Mom wouldn’t hear.  “Mom believes she’s worth something because we love her.  That’s motivating her to do something with her life.”  She leaned over the table and kissed Rob.  “Thank you.” 

What happens next?

Monday, January 09, 2012

Expect the unexpected

Previous episode

House hunting is dominating Rob and Celia’s life right now.  Rob is disappointed at the asking price for Celia’s mother’s house, which will provide their down payment, but Celia is realistic that they may have to move again before their not-yet-born child needs a school district. 

Current episode

Rob and Celia shared one of the few quiet dinners they could have alone now that Celia’s mother lived with them, just tacos at the kitchen table, but Celia had lit a candle and they were cozy in their warm apartment.  Mom was working the late shift at her retail job and neither Rob nor Celia had evening responsibilities tonight.  For Rob, that meant no Starbucks duty, since he planned to keep the second job until right before the baby was born, and for Celia it meant no private piano lessons on top of her daytime teaching job. 

“I know Mom’s house sold for less than you wanted,” Celia said. 

“A lot less, actually,” Rob said.  “We’re going to have at least ten thousand less than I wanted.” 

“As I have said, I don’t mind moving again,” Celia said.  “It’s a lovely dream, to move into the house we’ll spend the rest of our lives in now.  But it’s OK if we move again.”

“I don’t want to move again,” Rob said, continuing to push his point.

He kept pushing until Celia said, “Rob, I think you’re tired.  You’re working too much.  The only thing that keeps you going is the belief that in six months you will have climbed this huge buy-a-house mountain once and for all.  Then you can sleep.”

Rob thought about that as he built himself another taco.  Maybe there was something to that.  Two months ago, all thoughts of home buying remained years in the future.  Now, with Celia unexpectedly pregnant and their decision to try to meet as many needs as possible by buying a house with Celia’s mom, maybe Rob was trying to make too many things happen all at once.  He sighed, disliking the option to buy cheap now and trade up in five years.

“But who knows where the market will be in five years?” he said.  “There may never be a better time to buy up than now.” 

“I don’t need a fancy house,” Celia said. 

“Neither do I, but we do need one that we don’t strangle your mother in because she’s constantly underfoot.” A light bulb went off for Rob.  “Wait – I wonder if my dad might be willing to lend us a little more for the down payment.” 

“I don’t know,” Celia said.  “You have two sisters in college right now”—

Just then, they heard front door lock unlatch and front door open.

“Mom’s home early,” Rob said.

“Uh oh,” Celia said.  “I hope this doesn’t mean”—

Just then Celia’s mother walked into the kitchen.  She looked dejected and tired.

“It was just a holiday job,” Mom said.  “I was laid off today, with about ten others.”  She dropped her face into her hands in despair.

What happens next?

Monday, January 02, 2012

Real estate Musings

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are facing the New Year with high hopes that their plan to purchase a house with Celia’s mother will go smoothly. 

Current episode

While those around her moaned about returning to routine following the holidays, Celia anticipated the return to teaching with good cheer.  After two years of being underemployed she was grateful for the work.  Her pregnancy had progressed past the sick and tired phase, and with Rob’s support and active involvement she was building an amazingly healthy relationship with her mother.  Mom had changed little, but Celia had learned that by accepting the mother she had rather than wishing for change that would never occur, they could build something workable. 

Celia was home alone today, packing up their sparse Christmas decorations not only to store, but to move.  Next Christmas they would have a new home and a baby!  Growing up with a depressive mother and an unreliable father, Celia had learned not to get too excited about things.  But since Rob held a central role in this plan, she allowed herself to anticipate it with happiness.  She and Rob were the architects of their lives now.  She did not need anyone else to come through for her. 

There.  Christmas was cleaned up and put away.  She picked up her phone and dialed her sister, Catherine.  Catherine, who was older than Celia, lived with her mother.  No one was happier about the new plan than she was.  Celia had felt guilty that while she had left home for college and gotten married, Catherine had remained at home, gone to community college and finished her degree online while working, in part because Mom needed the support emotional and otherwise. 

“OK, here’s what I’ve got,” Catherine started.  “The house appraised at sixty-eight but there are five other houses in the subdivision for sale.  The agent listed it sixty-two and we have an offer at fifty-eight”—

“But Rob’s expecting seventy for the down payment”—

“I don’t know anything about what Rob’s expecting but there’s no point to asking more than what it’s worth in a down market.  Tell Rob I’m sorry we’re from Canton and not Beverly Hills”—

“You’re right,” Celia said.  “Do your best on that end and we’ll do what we need to do here.”  Celia disconnected and dialed Rob, hoping to catch him on his break at Starbucks.  She did and brought him up to speed. 

“So I told her that we’ll do whatever we need to do on our end,” Celia finished. 

“It’s going to be a push to get into a good school district,” Rob said.  “Is this the best she can do?”

What does Celia say?

Monday, December 26, 2011

The House Hunt

Previous episode
Rob and Celia, in their separate ways, have been attempting to redefine their relationships with Celia’s mother, with whom they are in the process of buying a house. 

Current episode
Rob’s firm closed the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so for the time being he was working only one job, the part time Starbucks job.  He had planned to work extra shifts – he found that paying down debt and building savings provided him with more energy than sleep did – but he decided to take the extra time to do some house hunting with Celia.  They could use the time together anyway while Mom worked the after-Christmas sales. 

In the three weeks since they had decided to pursue buying a house together, Rob was encouraged that their plan was sound.  He and his mother-in-law continued to get along famously and Rob felt confident that little could arise in their relationship that he could not handle.  Celia, whose complicated relationship with her mother typically drained her, reported similar success.  “When Mom started talking about decorating the nursery,” Celia told Rob, “I told her that I refuse to think about a nursery until we have a new house.” 

They were driving around neighborhoods Rob considered affordable, trying to determine where to focus their search.  “And she accepted that,” Celia continued.  “I know it seems like a little thing, but I fully expected her to come up with some convoluted reasoning why outfitting the whole nursery and storing it in our living room until we move made sense.  Time was I would have believed her, but”— Celia paused.

“But what?” Rob prompted.

“But our relationship is so much better now that you are a part of it.  She’s less crazy”— Celia paused again, obviously in the middle of her comment.

—“And?” Rob prompted, again.

“And so am I,” Celia said.  “You and I have known each other for five years now.  It’s taken that long, but all the good stuff you got growing up – parents married, everyone happy more often than not – is rubbing off on me.  I feel like I can handle my mother for the first time ever.  Never in my life would it have occurred to me to live with her again, but I’m actually excited about this!”

Rob pulled over in front of a pretty, small Victorian on a tiny lot with a “For Sale” sign in front, turned off the engine and took Celia’s hand.  “Look at that,” he said, pointing to the house.  “I can’t believe this, but we could probably afford something like that.  It doesn’t have a separate guesthouse or anything, but as well as the three of us are getting alone, we might not need to be so separate.

Celia looked at the house and sighed.  “It looks like a place to raise a happy family, Rob.”  She turned to him.  “I really want to be a happy family.”

“So do I,” he said.  Rob kissed his wife, quite content with his lot in life.

How does their plan unfold?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Hard Talk

Previous episode
Rob and Celia’s plan to partner with her mother to buy a house to share is proceeding, but Celia has her doubts that she can manage that relationship without vaster mileage between them. 

Current episode
The first weekday of Celia’s Christmas break coincided with her mother’s day off as Williams-Sonoma holiday help.  Rob had already left for work and Celia, lying abed to avoid facing her mother, did not look forward to the day.  She had backed off from most interaction with her, yielding the responsibility to Rob, who had accepted it gladly since he tolerated Mom’s button pushing much better than Celia. 

She rolled over, laying on her back and putting her hands on her belly.  At four months pregnant, Celia’s bump was slight but present.  She knew from the pregnancy books that this was her window to be productive, between the end of fatigue and nausea but before she had grown big and uncomfortable.  But to be productive meant leaving this room and engaging her mother – so, immobilized, Celia remained in bed. 

Rob had been wonderful, talking to her mother and setting boundaries so diplomatically that Mom did not even grasp his intention.  Rob would ooh and aah over her cooking and baking and between hefty portions would make “small” suggestions.  He would say things like, “One of the things I’ve learned about Celia, being married to her, is…” and state how he would handle a particular situation.  Mom, in her affection for Rob and her desire to remain on his good side (Celia presumed) would generally follow through just as Rob hoped.  This made Celia hope that she, too, might be able to find new ways of handling her.  Eventually. 

Celia sighed and dragged herself out of bed.  Out of gratitude for Rob’s efforts, she decided to deal with her mother today.  She tied on her bathrobe and opened the bedroom door tentatively.  Mom sat on the sofa with a morning news program on, muted.  Her glasses were low on her nose as she looked at a list she was making.

“Checking it twice?” Celia said, hoping to keep it light.

“Well, it looks like Catherine is selling my house, and Rob is looking at new houses for us – I’m not even sure what’s left for me to do!” she said.  “Help you, I guess.” 

“Well, what’s on your list?” Celia said as she sat down, biting her tongue from reminding her mother that she needed to pack up her house to move, have a yard sale, find a permanent job – Celia could think of a million things that would be infinitely more helpful than actually “helping” her. 

“We need to get your nursery ready,” Mom said.  “When will you find out if it’s a girl or a boy?  I’m thinking greens and yellows in any case”—

“Mom,” Celia said.  “We need to talk.”

What does Celia say next?