Harold Arnold

A Great Book for Marriages

What do a brain scan and your marriage have in common? Read my review below of Dr. Earl Henslin's fantastic book, "This is Your Brain on Joy" to find out...

For me, the measure of excellent non-fiction literature is when one begins to see the world through the lens that the author provides. I recently completed reading Dr. Earl Henslin’s This is Your Brain on Joy. And, I was hooked from the first chapter when he described how he has come to incorporate technology (brain imaging) in his clinical treatment of thirty couples who were headed towards divorce.

            My area of specialty is marriage. I have gone through much training on various marriage enhancement methods. But, when Dr. Henslin commented that twenty-nine of the thirty couples turned their marriages around by following the procedures to get brain scans (SPECT) and following the prescribed psychotherapy and medicinal regimen I was clamoring for more information. And, This is Your Brain on Joy delivers “in spades.”

            First, let me be clear. This book is primarily about the power of brain imaging to unearth the “abnormalities” that make our brains function at less than God’s ideal when He first created us. While I have had some exposure to brain physiology during my own clinical training, I have never seen such an excellent effort at breaking highly technical terminology into language that can be understood by everyone. By substituting friendly, intuitive language (e.g., Basement of Giant Fears) to represent brain physiology (e.g,  Basal Ganglia) Dr. Henslin is able to communicate the intricacies of the brain in a way that makes common sense. More importantly, the reader is able to identify his/her own areas of strength and weakness. Speaking of this, the book also includes an assessment that helps to identify how one’s own life experiences are indelibly interconnected with one’s brain health.

            This book challenges all of us to think twice in our tendencies to be judgmental. He argues for more compassionate engagement because people are often held hostage by their brains. But, Dr. Henslin’s book doesn’t just point out the problem. He proceeds to offer natural, herbal remedies for many of the brain imbalances that are nothing short of miraculous from the testimonials included in the book. In some instances, prescription agents such as antidepressants may be suggested as well. The testimonies of people whose entire lives have changed (when they thought change was impossible) simply by following through with a brain scan and herbal or prescription medications.

            I highly recommend this book because I have become convinced that many of the unhealthy behavioral patterns in our lives and in our marriages are a result of brain trauma that we may not even remember from years earlier. The results appear clear. Healthy lives and marriages require healthy brains. And, sometimes prayer alone may not improve the situation as much as if it was accompanied by a brain scan, the right herbal combinations, and a little encouragement.

Noticing your spouse

Think back over the course of your marriage (or even before) or other meaningful relationships that you currently have. Who are the people that have made these relationships successful? Are they family members, friends, spiritual leaders, teachers, or others?  What things did they say or do that made a difference?

These are the questions that kept coming to my mind as I read the new fiction book, The Noticer, by Andy Andrews. Andrews uses the fictional journey of a narrator who goes from being a homeless young man bound by negative thoughts to being a successful businessman because of an encounter with an ageless sage who teaches him "perspective". As our main character comes to realize over time, there is something unusual about this sage (known by different names to people of different cultures such as "Jones", "Garcia", and "Lee") who seems to always be in the right place with the right people at the right time with just the right message.

The lesson that our protagonist and other characters in the story learn from this sage is how changing our lives requires a change of perspective. How can you look at situations and people differently? It necessitates a more deliberate noticing of the things that others miss.

While I enjoyed the book for its simplistic message (sometimes it honestly felt a little too simplistic) and quick read, what I most enjoyed about it is its applicability to marriage--the topic that I tend to think and write about most often. Andrews' thesis could not be any more appropriate. Whenever I talk to couples in the education or counseling context I talk about perspective. Individuals are usually excellent at seeing things one way. But, we often struggle to see it another way--especially when we feel somehow threatened by another perspective. Any therapist will tell you that helping couples always requires that each learns to see another perspective.

The other theme of the book that I was very interested in is the idea of taking notice of things that are often taken for granted. Married couples often get into a rut of doing the same things over and over again. We get into a habit where we stop noticing--like we did when we were dating. But, what would happen if couples started noticing each other again--I mean really giving attention to what may really be going on with each other. What things are happening with your spouse, fiancee, or partner that you don't totally understand because you haven't noticed?

The Noticer is a wonderful book to add to your collection--especially if you value the importance of perspective in relationships (and who doesn't). Kudos to Andrews and Thomas Nelson Publishers for presenting something with a timeless message in an accessible format. In the end, the message to all of us is to pay more attention to invest ourselves in those around us.

I started this piece asking who has contributed to your own successful relationships. In the end, our thanks to those people is only truly shown when we in turn contribute to the development of others. Thank you Andy for giving us a tool to do just that.

The Half-Dead Marriage

This past weekend I took advantage of gorgeous 90+ degree weather to do some spring cleaning in my yard. As I worked on cleaning leaves from one of the mulched beds around my home, I was struck by one of our bushes. No, I wasn't literally struck by it. But, I was intrigued that buds are only forming on half of the bush. The other half appears dead. Perplexed, I looked for an explanation. It didn't take long to notice that half of the bush was mostly uprooted while the other half was still firmly planted. While I'm not sure what to do about my half-dead bush, it triggered in my mind an email that I had just received from a couple that alerted me to some marital problems they are having.

You might ask, what does my half-dead bush have to do with marital problems. Fair question. Here's the connection. My heart is really tugged by half-dead marriages. What is a half-dead marriage? It can be a marriage where one spouse is giving most (or all) of the effort and the other one is failing to hold up his/her end of the bargain. It could also be a marriage where spouses just go through the motions with little to no real emotional connection. In some ways half-dead marriages are particularly dangerous because they lull unsuspecting couples into a false sense of security (for example they see their half-dead state as better than a divorce).

I want to challenge those who feel emotionally disconnected from their spouse to make another genuine effort at moving closer together. I don't necessarily expect a miracle--just a step. What can you do today to take a step towards your spouse? Remember that half-dead means that it is also half-alive. There is life in your marriage. The question is how to make it more abundant.

Honoring your parents

The fifth commandment (of the ten) that God gave to Moses for the Hebrew nation is to "Honor thy father and mother." I've been thinking about this commandment lately as I write on the challenges facing cross-cultural marriages. It is well known that cultures in different parts of the world place different priorities on this commandment. And, of course different cultures interpret "honor" in many ways as well. For example, Eastern cultures tend to have stronger familial ties in which individual decisions and aspirations are significantly connected to the ideology of the parents. Incorporating parental wisdom, aspiring to family expectations, and caring for aging parents are aspects of how these cultures show honor. 

In more Western cultures, individual desires (individualism) tend to be more highly valued than familial ones. This, however, does not mean that Western cultures are any less obedient to God's fifth commandment. Honor is shown differently. Often this entails living near parents so that parents, children, and grandchildren can be actively engaged in the daily routine. At other times there are the routine phone calls to keep an eye (or an ear) on their health status (whether physical, financial, social, or other).

Parental honor may look differently as you move from one part of the world to another. But, what happens when individuals from different cultures marry? The role of parents in the nuclear family is often a source of conflict, particularly when husband and wife hail from significantly different cultures. It is common for one party to feel that the parents are being too intrusive while the other party sees them as wanting to be helpful. One party sometimes feels like the parents are too demanding while the other sees them as lonely. There are thousands of possible scenarios that can cause conflict that culminates in statements like "I married you NOT your parents" or "you need to choose between me or your mother."  These are difficult dilemmas because the spouse feels trapped between his/her love for parents and love for spouse. Sometimes, you hear Christians insensitively say that the Bible makes it clear that you are to separate from your parents and cling to your spouse (Mark 10:7). I've been very guilty of using this line too liberally. As I consider this issue though, I believe God calls us to hold the Mark 2:7 admonition in one hand and to hold the fifth commandment in the other so that we avoid the hypocrisy that Jesus accuses the religious folk of in Matthew 15:3-9. 

Those of us in cross-cultural marriages must draw boundaries around the husband and wife--fostering an intimacy that cannot be broken by ANYONE! Yet, at the same time we must honor our parents by giving them respect. This show of respect will adjust with time and situations. But, it will always place a premium on including them in your lives in whatever form that takes (particularly when your parents have proven themselves honorable). And, this respect will always find ways to care for them when they are less able to care for themselves. And, finally this respect will always seek to incorporate their wisdom into your own life. With these thoughts in mind, take a fresh look at the ways in which you obey the fifth commandment in your own marriage. As scripture tells us, this is a key to longevity on earth. 

Your Marriage is What You Think

The philosopher, Rene Descartes famously said “I think therefore I am.”  Our existence is defined by our mental capacity to consider ourselves in relation to others. As a social psychologist, I am most interested in these places where we humans ascribe meaning to our human relations as well as our interaction with God.

The manner in which we think about God defines whether we see him as compassionate friend, an aloof observer, or a figment of our imagination. The way we think about those around us drives whether our stance is engaging, avoiding, or ambivalent. And, of course the way we think about ourselves fuels the degree of self-confidence and aspirations. It is all about the way we think.

As I contemplate what makes marriage work, it is no surprise to me that I come back to the way we think. What comes to your mind when you think about your marriage? Are your thoughts about your marriage mostly focused on successes and accomplishing shared goals or repeated stumbles and failures? I’m not sure how Descartes would look at contemporary marriages. But, in his new book “Think and make it happen” author Dr. Augusto Cury offers a powerful suite of tools sure to impact any marriage. Although Cury’s focus is not marriage specifically, he tackles its most vital marital issue—overcoming negative thoughts. Cury offers twelve principles to control your thinking.  While many of his principles offer practical advice to take control of our thoughts, his admonitions to doubt, criticize, and determine (DCD) what goes through our minds is key. We must be critical of our thoughts about our marriage. Marriage is filled with peaks and valleys.  A cacophony of negative thoughts experienced during the valleys can derail even the most solid marriages. We married couples must realize the power we have to steer the relationship, mostly by honoring our spouse’s needs. I also strongly appreciate Cury’s suggestions on how to take charge of our emotions, which of course are triggered by our thoughts. Couples that are able to avoid the emotional meltdowns avoid the negative escalation of emotions during conflicts.

In the chapter titled “Learn to listen and dialogue”, Cury advises married couples to ask four important questions of their mates: (1) When have I disappointed you?, (2) Which of my behaviors annoys you?, (3) What could I do to make you happier?, and (4) How can I be a better friend? Now,there is something for all of us to think about. The future of your marriage is what you think it to be.

Beauty for Ashes

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified" - Isaiah 61:1-3

I love this passage from the book of Isaiah because it is a reminder of the three elements of my own commission. First, as an educator my goal is to bring good news to those needing some-particularly as it relates to relational challenges. Second, as a psychologist I seek to help others see the psychological and relational chains that weigh down their aspirations. Third, as a Christian to offer Christ as the perfect substitute for the heaviness of spirit that causes many to languish in unfulfilling relationships.

Marriage relationships (and other intimate relationships) have tremendous power to dictate how liberated we feel in life. These relationships influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. Many of you in cross-cultural marriages (and same culture marriages) are struggling because you see the relationship as limiting and binding. The differences in expectations, preferences, and needs may be wreaking havoc. Despite your attempts to improve communication and reduce conflict, it seems you just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. And, many times there is no one to talk to that really understands your struggle. 

If this is you, the word of the Lord today is "beauty for ashes." In the Old Testament the custom was to mourn in sackcloth with ashes placed upon your head. The ashes are significant because they represent complete destruction. When something is broken, it may be fixed. But, when something is reduced to ashes it is destroyed. God, however, is promising to replace your mourning over that which you see as destroyed with something beautiful. You may wonder "where is this beauty" when you think about your marriage relationship. Isaiah gives us a clue. It is in the joy and the praise. It is seeing the glass half full rather than half empty. It is appreciating the beauty and wonder in the small things that surround you. It is in the splendor of the telephone call or email that came right when you needed to hear good news. It is in the warm smile that you exchange with the neighbor or someone in the grocery store. When we experience this beauty it reminds us in a quite tangible way of the magnitude of God's glory. Married folks (particularly those of us who are mourning aspects of our marriage), let's challenge one another to see the beauty with which God surrounds us.

A New Year Resolution

Happy New Year! I hope that all of you had the merriest of Christmases and enjoyed the festivities bringing in 2009 with a bang. I don't know about you. But, I'm still trying to figure out where 2008 went. As you think back over your 2008, what would you say are the most significant events as it pertains to your marriage relationship? 

My most memorable marriage events were an all expense paid Cancun trip that was given to my wife and me from dear friends early in the year, our 20th anniversary trip to Puerto Rico in the middle of the year, and my decision to step down from my Director of Christian Education volunteer role at my church to spend more time at home. For me, I summarize the 2008 installment of my marriage as, "Healing in the silver lining." For me, my marriage has been a stable and nurturing force in 2008 as I have dealt with a number of disappointments in goals that I had. When I'm down, my wife is my biggest encourager. When I feel behind in the game, she is my most devout fan. Her reassurance staves off discouragement and keeps me fighting. My marriage is my silver lining with healing properties. How would you summarize your marriage in 2008?

Over the holidays, I received my word for 2009. The word is "joy." I must admit that this is a difficult word for me personally. My personality type is not typically associated with joy. But, I have resolved myself to pursue joyous living in 2009. I'm not quite sure how that will work. I am being prayerful to God to show me how to live with a more overt spirit of joy. I chuckle even as I say this. But, one thing is for sure. My marriage will be the backbone of this pursuit. I pray a spirit of joy upon your life and your marriage as well.

Here's to a JOYOUS NEW YEAR!

Creativity breeds creativity

Merry Christmas! As I think about the birth of Christ during this holiday season, God's creativity is foremost in my mind. From the beginning of the word, God has created. The book of Genesis describes God's creative genius as He brought forth the earth, water, and skies. He created plant life and animal life (including mankind) with creativity that thousands of years later we still struggle to understand. 

One of the most amazing aspects of God's creative efforts, however, is the creative properties that he placed within his creation. In other words, in creating humankind in His own image He designed us to be creative. Whether it be artistic, technological, or relational humankind exhibits an amazing array of creative energy. And, the most amazing property of this creativity is that it is optimized in the presence of other creative people. Here is the model: Creativity breeds creativity. God, the Creator, create us to be creators ourselves. Our purpose is to create. Regardless of your specific gift, ultimately it is about creating something that highlights God's splendor--thus directing others to Him. 

Social science research has long established that one of the many benefits of cross-cultural relationships is their creative value. Diversity elicits creativity as differing ways of thinking enrich the idea or the product. Although diverse thinking often produces friction, when pushed through productively this friction leads to a better outcome.

This is an excellent discourse about the value of cross-cultural relationships. God imbues each of us with a bit of Himself. And, He commands us to be in relationship with one another for the express purpose of channeling our collective giftings in a creative endeavor. This is especially true in intimate cross-cultural relationships like marriage. Emotional tumult often makes it difficult for us to see God's creativity in our spouses. But, it is there just as it is in each of us. Your job and mine is to cultivate this creativity in a way that honors one another. In the end it is God who is honored as He smiles at His good work. As you enjoy this Christmas season and the birth of Jesus, be reminded that God has also birthed something in you. What are you creating with it?

A Lesson on Togetherness

"Togetherness" - this is such an important concept in intimate relationships. But, what does it mean? Some think about togetherness in physical terms. We are together when we are in close proximity. Couples interpreting togetherness primarily in the physical sense often judge the quality of their relationship by the amount of time of number of instances in which they are in each other’s company. Others think about togetherness in more ideological terms. In other words, they assess their relational health by the extent to which they agree on ideas or philosophies. Still others use more metaphysical barometers to gauge togetherness. These couples base their togetherness on more emotional and spiritual indicators of intimacy.

Cross-cultural couples can validly look to physical, ideological, and metaphysical indicators to measure their relational connectedness or togetherness. But, all of these measures fall short of capturing the full essence of togetherness because they all rely on some degree of self-centeredness-whether one feels personally satisfied that his or her needs are met. I would like to offer a fourth measure of togetherness for cross-cultural couples. It is the idea that we spouses are responsible for carrying the needs and desires of our partners with us. Rather than being self-centered, this view of togetherness suggests that the hurts and joys of my spouse (regardless of whether I understand or agree with them) are internalized as my own. With this perspective of togetherness, cross-cultural couples can be secure that their emotional well-being is prioritized in the relationship. And, this sense of emotional security is the most valid proxy of togetherness as it convinces the couple that they are better together than they are apart. As importantly, it relieves couples that they can be unequivocally together even as they sometimes walk different paths.

Faith, Family, Friends, Finances, and Food

Couples make decisions daily that may have long-term impact on their marriages. We often, however, fail to realize the magnitude of these decisions in guiding the course of our marriages.  It is particularly important in the early stages of marriage to understand the ground rules for good decision-making because husbands and wives are still in a trusting posture with each others. Of course, the challenge is the newly-married couples often lack the tools and understanding to make healthy decisions. As a result, trust is slowly eroded.

Cross-cultural couples have many challenges in the decision-making arena, especially when their cultural backgrounds are significantly dissimilar.  Cross-cultural couples must learn to work the the divergent, though ingrained, attitudes that each partner brings to the marriage.

In my experience as a counselor and in my own cross-cultural marriage, I have distilled five principles that, while vital to all marriages, are particularly important to the inter-ethnic marriage.

1.              Prioritize your belief that there is a transcendent purpose for your marriage that lies beyond your own self-gratification. Many of the challenges that cross-cultural marriages face are a result of one or both partners trying to assert their view as THE correct view. But, what is THE correct view is really one that integrates what each of you offers? I almost guarantee that what you offer as a couple will have more impact on those around you than what either of you offer as individuals.

2.               Communicate to your spouse that his/her emotional well-being is the highest priority. If I could communicate the one single most important thing that the cross-cultural couple can do to strengthen their marriage, it is this point. If your spouse believes that you are a compassionate caretaker of his/her emotions, he/she will entrust those emotions to you to the death. But, couples often misunderstand in that they believe this level of trust is given. It isn’t. It is always earned.

3.              Choose friends with similar cultural backgrounds that are invested in the health of your marriage. Inter-ethnic couples must cultivate trusting relationships with others who share each of their cultural backgrounds—particularly if they have strong cultural identities. Your marriage is enriched when you engage with others who understand the cultural nuances and can stands with you in agreement through encourage, mediation, education, or prayer.

4.              Jointly develop a financial plan. Money marriage woes cripple many marriages. A couple’s attitude towards money nearly always reflects their experiences with money in the family of origin.  Cross-cultural couples need open and honest communication about needs, wants, aspirations and expectations regarding residence, workload, academic pursuits, pregnancy planning, transportation, tithing, entertainment, hobbies, and any other lifestyle choices that are impacted by finances.

5.              Understand the significance of food and meal planning to your spouse. Food is one of the most distinct elements of a culture.  And, the one responsible for food preparation is often laden with culturally-based gender role expectations. Cross-cultural couples should communicate expectations about food preparation, gender roles, and dinner service.